what a difference a year can make...
just about one year ago...
july 25, 2005
the thoughts that have been clouding my brain today have only made me realize more that i have no worth to anyone. i am merely an object that can be manipulated and then tossed aside as if i'm not human. just so everyone knows, i am a person, i do have emotions, and i am very sensitive. after spending the better part of last night and today crying (including right now), i still can't figure out how people get off treating me the way they do. rejection is not fun, especially when it happens in a streak..so hurtful and so horrible, that crying is like second nature to me at this point. there is only so much one person can take before the events of one's life begin to take a toll on their emotional stability. i knew this would happen again, i felt it deep down inside, and as much as i tried to push it away, it lingered there incessantly. almost like trying to hide a house that's on fire, it's not gonna happen.
i want just what everyone else wants. i want someone who likes me for me, and wouldn't want me to change, even though i would change something about myself if it bothered someone. above all i want to finally experience a feeling of acceptance...i want to not have to worry about how people are going to judge me based solely on looks, and no matter how many times someone says they won't/aren't doing that...they are. looks are everything, if you're not attractive enough (which i apparently am not), then you're fucked. royally fucked.
i've said it before and i'll say it again. if there was physical pain that stemmed from being emotionally hurt, i would be dead by now. i have endured enough emotional torture in the last year to last me a fucking lifetime. just when i think things will start to get better, i get shot right back down to the rock bottom emotional state that i was in before. there is no getting better, nothing is going to change, and the fact that i don't look how these fucking guys want me to look isn't making me feel any better about myself.
my whole life i was tormented because of the way i looked, whether it be my stupid hair, being overweight, or anything else someone could get their hands on...anything someone could say to make me feel worse, was said. i have spent the better part of my life crying and depressed over these people and no matter how many times someone will say it's not worth it to cry, and it's not worth it to get upset, i still continue to react the way that i always have, the only way i know how, with a massive amount of tears. there have been times when i felt that i couldn't cry anymore, that i must have run out of tears, but no...like clockwork..here i am..crying again as i write this, and i can't even really see the screen.
no matter how much hope i have and how much faith i have in people, a guy is lying when they say they would rather have a great personality over a good looking girl. it's a big fucking lie. i consider myself to have a really good personality, but too bad it gets me nowhere. just because i'm not model material means that i am pushed aside and looked over like i'm not a person. well fyi, i am a person and i'm pretty fucking sad right now. i just don't understand the nerve some people have, to just ignore me, to not even acknowledge the fact that they know me, not even acknowledge the fact that i could be sitting over here crying over them, wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep forever, because of how they have made me feel.
but then again, why would these people care how i feel..they don't care enough to return a phone call or acknowledge that i exist, so why the fuck would they care if i was sitting over here crying like a big fucking baby...oh wait, they wouldn't. sometimes i wish i was a bitch..because guys really seem to like that kinda thing. forget intelligence, kindness, and having so much more to offer than every bar slutskank out there, because apparently that doesn't matter anymore.
my whole life has been a constant struggle with my appearance, and whether people know it or not, i used to look a whole lot worse than i do now, and i didn't really think there was much wrong with me now until these guys, one after another have proven me wrong. i'm so sick of crying..so sick of feeling sorry for myself, and so sick of not being "good enough." well hold on while i go lose 20lbs and then the guys that have rejected me will magically love me and things will be peachy. yeah i don't fucking think so. me now, or me 20lbs lighter than now, is just that..me. i'm still the same person, as i always will be. whether these idiots choose to get to know me/accept me is up to them. and then they can leave the crying up to me...because that's all i've been doing lately, and i'm exhausted. emotionally exhausted. and i really feel as if i can't take any more of this.
i know i can change, and that maybe that would help. but that shouldn't be the case. life isn't a fucking fashion show, it's real, it's emotional, and it sucks. anyone who says looks don't matter is a liar, because lately, that's all that matters.
funny how at the time i never thought anything would change. i am so proud of myself...i have come so far in so many ways and i'm continuing to better myself as a person on the inside and out...i've never been happier with myself.
july 25, 2005
the thoughts that have been clouding my brain today have only made me realize more that i have no worth to anyone. i am merely an object that can be manipulated and then tossed aside as if i'm not human. just so everyone knows, i am a person, i do have emotions, and i am very sensitive. after spending the better part of last night and today crying (including right now), i still can't figure out how people get off treating me the way they do. rejection is not fun, especially when it happens in a streak..so hurtful and so horrible, that crying is like second nature to me at this point. there is only so much one person can take before the events of one's life begin to take a toll on their emotional stability. i knew this would happen again, i felt it deep down inside, and as much as i tried to push it away, it lingered there incessantly. almost like trying to hide a house that's on fire, it's not gonna happen.
i want just what everyone else wants. i want someone who likes me for me, and wouldn't want me to change, even though i would change something about myself if it bothered someone. above all i want to finally experience a feeling of acceptance...i want to not have to worry about how people are going to judge me based solely on looks, and no matter how many times someone says they won't/aren't doing that...they are. looks are everything, if you're not attractive enough (which i apparently am not), then you're fucked. royally fucked.
i've said it before and i'll say it again. if there was physical pain that stemmed from being emotionally hurt, i would be dead by now. i have endured enough emotional torture in the last year to last me a fucking lifetime. just when i think things will start to get better, i get shot right back down to the rock bottom emotional state that i was in before. there is no getting better, nothing is going to change, and the fact that i don't look how these fucking guys want me to look isn't making me feel any better about myself.
my whole life i was tormented because of the way i looked, whether it be my stupid hair, being overweight, or anything else someone could get their hands on...anything someone could say to make me feel worse, was said. i have spent the better part of my life crying and depressed over these people and no matter how many times someone will say it's not worth it to cry, and it's not worth it to get upset, i still continue to react the way that i always have, the only way i know how, with a massive amount of tears. there have been times when i felt that i couldn't cry anymore, that i must have run out of tears, but no...like clockwork..here i am..crying again as i write this, and i can't even really see the screen.
no matter how much hope i have and how much faith i have in people, a guy is lying when they say they would rather have a great personality over a good looking girl. it's a big fucking lie. i consider myself to have a really good personality, but too bad it gets me nowhere. just because i'm not model material means that i am pushed aside and looked over like i'm not a person. well fyi, i am a person and i'm pretty fucking sad right now. i just don't understand the nerve some people have, to just ignore me, to not even acknowledge the fact that they know me, not even acknowledge the fact that i could be sitting over here crying over them, wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep forever, because of how they have made me feel.
but then again, why would these people care how i feel..they don't care enough to return a phone call or acknowledge that i exist, so why the fuck would they care if i was sitting over here crying like a big fucking baby...oh wait, they wouldn't. sometimes i wish i was a bitch..because guys really seem to like that kinda thing. forget intelligence, kindness, and having so much more to offer than every bar slutskank out there, because apparently that doesn't matter anymore.
my whole life has been a constant struggle with my appearance, and whether people know it or not, i used to look a whole lot worse than i do now, and i didn't really think there was much wrong with me now until these guys, one after another have proven me wrong. i'm so sick of crying..so sick of feeling sorry for myself, and so sick of not being "good enough." well hold on while i go lose 20lbs and then the guys that have rejected me will magically love me and things will be peachy. yeah i don't fucking think so. me now, or me 20lbs lighter than now, is just that..me. i'm still the same person, as i always will be. whether these idiots choose to get to know me/accept me is up to them. and then they can leave the crying up to me...because that's all i've been doing lately, and i'm exhausted. emotionally exhausted. and i really feel as if i can't take any more of this.
i know i can change, and that maybe that would help. but that shouldn't be the case. life isn't a fucking fashion show, it's real, it's emotional, and it sucks. anyone who says looks don't matter is a liar, because lately, that's all that matters.
funny how at the time i never thought anything would change. i am so proud of myself...i have come so far in so many ways and i'm continuing to better myself as a person on the inside and out...i've never been happier with myself.