can you fucking believe it?
one of the drugs they are giving me four times a day for two hours at a time (oh yeah, 8 hours of my day) shuts down my brain. i stop thinking clearly, my eyes dialate, my limbs go numb, and eventually i pass out and sleep until the med wears off - many hours later. nothing can wake me up. the doctors don't seem too concerned about this. i am.
i am so angry. i have italian to study, i have my book to write. i am the girl who painted a fish tank on my windows, named my room the hotel california, tapped coasters with hilarious saying on them to the wall, had my brother create a mosaic of god and adam at creation on the wall out of misc. medical things left in my bed and the basin i ripped to shreds. i have a fucking personality, and this med robs me of it. that doesn't make me happy. i am never going to get better if all i do is sleep. today, before my med started i was playing hopscotch in the cafeteria on the tiles. i am so angry.
doctors don't listen. i don't want to give up my personality. i don't know how many years i have left - especially now that the med options are slim and the bugs are hard to treat. I just want to be me. This is the start of my fourth week here, and everything is starting to really piss me off. they made two HUGE med errors in less than twelve hours. oh my fucking god. they don't have to keep track of my pills - i do that - all they have to do is hang the fucking IVs without screwing up, and they can't do it. I don't get that. I know how everything works now. i can work the IV pump - i've learned from watching - and they can't get it right????? Makes me want to kill someone.
i am so angry. i have italian to study, i have my book to write. i am the girl who painted a fish tank on my windows, named my room the hotel california, tapped coasters with hilarious saying on them to the wall, had my brother create a mosaic of god and adam at creation on the wall out of misc. medical things left in my bed and the basin i ripped to shreds. i have a fucking personality, and this med robs me of it. that doesn't make me happy. i am never going to get better if all i do is sleep. today, before my med started i was playing hopscotch in the cafeteria on the tiles. i am so angry.
doctors don't listen. i don't want to give up my personality. i don't know how many years i have left - especially now that the med options are slim and the bugs are hard to treat. I just want to be me. This is the start of my fourth week here, and everything is starting to really piss me off. they made two HUGE med errors in less than twelve hours. oh my fucking god. they don't have to keep track of my pills - i do that - all they have to do is hang the fucking IVs without screwing up, and they can't do it. I don't get that. I know how everything works now. i can work the IV pump - i've learned from watching - and they can't get it right????? Makes me want to kill someone.