fuck it all.
here steph is talking about being emotional. well steph, i too am very emotional these days. i keep thinking about my life, an dwhat's happening with it, what direction i am headed towards.....here i am, taking a career course that will set me for life, but the truth of the matter is, this is NOT what i want to be doing. ever since i was a little girl, i always wanted to be a doctor. to the point that my dad bought me a sekelton, and i learned all the names of the bones. and i was sitting in class today, learning about heart attacks, and i realized how much i still want that dream......the thing is, i'd have to be in school for the next 10 years......i won't start my undergrad till i'm 21, as a mature student, do that for 4 years, then study my ASS off for my MCAT's then go through med school so i wouldn't be done till i'm 30. that's a huge committment, and who's to say i won't get married in between? or want to have kids in between? that meas i won't have kids till i'm in my 30's, which isn't so bad, but at that point, it's cutting it close to being old......so i dont know. i'm just really confused with wha ti want in my life, all i want still is to move far away from here, and every day i regret my decision not to move to israel......but whatever, i will finish this course, be a hygiensit, and make some mad $$$. if anything, it's something very stable to fall back on......
and on a nother note, a wise man once said to me how the song betterman from pearl jam is the story of my life. well, it's true. i need a betterman in my life. and although that wise man was actually gabe wo said that, i'm not so sure about him.....i saw him very briefly last night, and i'm afraid it's all weird.....but i'm working with him tomorrow, so i'll see what comes from that.....my hopes aren't up with him anymore, truthfully, i'm just waiting to go on my trip and see if anything comes from that.....at the very least, hopefully i'll come back with some friends.....maybe a soldier too.....who knows....
everything is all going nuts in my head right now, i'm doubting absolutely evertything taht has anything to do with me, and i'm just seriously not liking it. i'm starting to hate work with a passion because of my fucked up manager, and i'm starting to hate my dogs, because there's 7 of them, and i'm starting to hate my mom for being such a psycho, and i'm starting to hate my way of thinking, and my lack of courage, to just cut gary out of my life altogether and never speak to him again.
fuck it all.
and on a nother note, a wise man once said to me how the song betterman from pearl jam is the story of my life. well, it's true. i need a betterman in my life. and although that wise man was actually gabe wo said that, i'm not so sure about him.....i saw him very briefly last night, and i'm afraid it's all weird.....but i'm working with him tomorrow, so i'll see what comes from that.....my hopes aren't up with him anymore, truthfully, i'm just waiting to go on my trip and see if anything comes from that.....at the very least, hopefully i'll come back with some friends.....maybe a soldier too.....who knows....
everything is all going nuts in my head right now, i'm doubting absolutely evertything taht has anything to do with me, and i'm just seriously not liking it. i'm starting to hate work with a passion because of my fucked up manager, and i'm starting to hate my dogs, because there's 7 of them, and i'm starting to hate my mom for being such a psycho, and i'm starting to hate my way of thinking, and my lack of courage, to just cut gary out of my life altogether and never speak to him again.
fuck it all.