(no subject)
Here's a bummer of an update
I"m intensely unhappy with my life. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but it's been quite awhile. Some days are better than others, and most times I can get through the day without thinking about it all too deeply, but today is not one of those days.
My life is comprised of a set routine - I wake up, go downstairs, eat breakfast, and screw around on the internet for the rest of the day. Sometimes I run some errands or take a walk, lately I've been looking for a job, but in general, my life is contained wholly within these four fucking walls. Day in, day out - might as well be on a treadmill.
I have no money - I'm grateful for the cash I do receive, but it's not enough to live on, and I can't keep coming to pop with my hand out any more. He's beginning to be in the same boat as I am. I had hoped to find a job to get back on my feet, and I'm still hoping and trying to make that happen, but it's much harder than I'd thought.
And in all reality, I just don't seem to give a fuck about life. I never have. I can't figure out why, but a long-standing theme of my life has been "oh well". I don't seem to have the ability to push for things that I need to accomplish in order to make something of my life. I've tried to turn things around, and in some ways I have, but underneath it all, I'm still the same person - unmotivated, apathetic, directionless.
I can't tell you how many times I've contemplated suicide lately. And honestly, if I thought it'd make a difference and not hurt my family too badly, I'd do it. But the fact is that it -won't- make a difference, and it -will- hurt them, so it's obviously not an option.
I just wish I knew how to get a handle on my life and start working towards accomplishing goals that would show me that I'm not just treading water, and that there is more to my life than the same old shit day after day.
I"m intensely unhappy with my life. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but it's been quite awhile. Some days are better than others, and most times I can get through the day without thinking about it all too deeply, but today is not one of those days.
My life is comprised of a set routine - I wake up, go downstairs, eat breakfast, and screw around on the internet for the rest of the day. Sometimes I run some errands or take a walk, lately I've been looking for a job, but in general, my life is contained wholly within these four fucking walls. Day in, day out - might as well be on a treadmill.
I have no money - I'm grateful for the cash I do receive, but it's not enough to live on, and I can't keep coming to pop with my hand out any more. He's beginning to be in the same boat as I am. I had hoped to find a job to get back on my feet, and I'm still hoping and trying to make that happen, but it's much harder than I'd thought.
And in all reality, I just don't seem to give a fuck about life. I never have. I can't figure out why, but a long-standing theme of my life has been "oh well". I don't seem to have the ability to push for things that I need to accomplish in order to make something of my life. I've tried to turn things around, and in some ways I have, but underneath it all, I'm still the same person - unmotivated, apathetic, directionless.
I can't tell you how many times I've contemplated suicide lately. And honestly, if I thought it'd make a difference and not hurt my family too badly, I'd do it. But the fact is that it -won't- make a difference, and it -will- hurt them, so it's obviously not an option.
I just wish I knew how to get a handle on my life and start working towards accomplishing goals that would show me that I'm not just treading water, and that there is more to my life than the same old shit day after day.