I'm back again for the first time
Bless me LJ, for I have sinned.
It has been *I'm too lazy to look up my last entry* weeks/months since my last entry. I have isolated myself from any and all quasi-relationships that I've fostered in the past. I've withdrawn completely and refuse to analyze the reasoning behind it at any cost.
I come today to ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. Before, I have considered myself to be a loner, but the truth is that I am too lazy to seek and develop relationships. I am not 100% sure where to point the finger on this one, so I'll consider myself to be the default. I have stifled my creativity, blunted my wit and erased most signs of intelligence that once existed within my being. Father, bless me.
It's time I come to terms with these issues at hand instead of ignoring them. I am unhappy professionally, emotionally, creatively as well as *insert something severe here*. I have much to complain about, but also much to rejoice as well. I have actually forgotten what the purpose of this was to be about. I don't know where I'm going with this piece. I think I'm pretending to be introspective in an effort to avoid being introspective. I don't have time to think deeply -- it's laundry day!
But seriously, I've been away from LJ for a long time. There are many friends here that I've dropped out of contact with; and for this I am sorry. I've been flaky at best, and I apologize. So much has happened in the interim, that I don't know where to start (or where to end, as a matter of fact.) Let me see what statistics I can gather up in a few moments.
I'm still working at TBS/Turner in the Legal department. It pays the bills, but I am definitely unhappy there. Part of this stems from being forced out of my job by a pseudo-manager, and the rest comes from my desire to work with computers. There's a looooong story behind this, and I'm sure I'll post it some time soon. Meanwhile, I'm checking all job boards for entry-level IT positions that I can slip into. That's where my true passion lies and I'm getting too old to put it off to the side.
Another issue is my college schooling, or the lack thereof. It's funny that I now really want to go to college but I've got obligations making it difficult. I'm weighing the following options: Quit current day-job, acquire a night-job and attend school during the day; keep day-job and attend college online, at nights, or a combination of the two. Either one would burn me out, but a rekindling of my relationship with coffee would make it all possible. Speaking of which, I've been off of coffee for 2 or 3 years. Yesterday I bought a 8-cup maker and a 1-liter thermos. Hello addiction!
I've spent a lot of this morning checking Myspace for old friends/acquaintances from high school, and I've found a few. I've never really been into Myspace, but the nostalgia bug caught me for a few hours today. Call me weird or morbid, but I'm still waiting to see one of the girls (or guys :( ) from my graduating class make their entry into porn. I know I'm a sick bastard for writing it, but statistically (read: the ones I make up in my head) at least one of them has to be an amateur porn star by now.
This nostalgia is what got me thinking about how I deal with relationships. Put simply, I don't. I just don't have them. Analyzing it all leads me to believe that I'm afraid to establish more friendships and relationships because I expect them to either: a) end horribly or b) prove to be a waste of time. Looking at these two options shows me that bad endings occur, and it's a part of life. Also, I'm wasting my time already, so why not waste it with someone else? I don't know -- I don't let people too close these days. I've been so many people to so many people, but they're mostly masks to keep others away. I'll help almost anyone with anything but I'll never let them return the favor. Some might see it as being generous, but it's true selfishness at the core. I'm doing you a favor, proving that I'm better than you. If I let someone else help me, that would make it possible for them to be better than me, and I can't have that, of course!
I'm curious as to how much of this I'm consciously doing and how much just lies beneath the line, spewing automatic responses that I've conditioned myself into giving. I can change it all in an instant, if the motivation drove me to do it. Like anything new it'll take some time to get used to, but we humans are adaptable creatures. However, am I dissatisfied enough with my current existence to want to change? I think so.
So what's all this about, then? At the end of the day, it's just a 20-something's ramblings about how to deal with the world around him. There's a world of possibilities out there, and they sometimes get a little overwhelming. With all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, my train of thought often gets derailed and ends up smashing head-first into a passenger car or worse: disappearing in the jumble of organized thoughts. Coherency is no longer one of my strong-points; and outcome I associate with lack of interaction with others.
But enough about all that stuff. Here's what's new:
Got a nice little apartment 10 minutes north of Atlanta: Lonely
Bought a 37" Widescreen HDTV
Bought a new Dell Laptop
Purchased a new coffeemaker
Riding in a 2006 Nissan Altima
Befriended a co-worker that lives in Riverdale
Learning to program in Java
And that's about it. Sad to say the vast majority of my changes are acquisitions. I'm still the same confused guy, with the same problems that I ignore. Perhaps there's some comfort to be found in that?
Well, it's getting late in the morning, and I really do need to start washing some clothes. Yay for another 100 degree weekend in the ATL. If I weren't broke I'd go out and buy some summer clothes for myself. Welcome to the pity party. Host = me. Overall I'm keeping a good attitude, though. Things could truly be worse right now, so I'm very thankful for the blessings that I do have.
Getting all that out of my head should do me some good. I'll have some free room for new thoughts to occupy some space. Every time I "return" to LJ I promise regularly updated posts, but fail to deliver. I'll give no promises of the such this time, but I truthfully do want to continue this posting. Even if no one reads it, I'll at least be able to lie my thoughts to rest.
It has been *I'm too lazy to look up my last entry* weeks/months since my last entry. I have isolated myself from any and all quasi-relationships that I've fostered in the past. I've withdrawn completely and refuse to analyze the reasoning behind it at any cost.
I come today to ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. Before, I have considered myself to be a loner, but the truth is that I am too lazy to seek and develop relationships. I am not 100% sure where to point the finger on this one, so I'll consider myself to be the default. I have stifled my creativity, blunted my wit and erased most signs of intelligence that once existed within my being. Father, bless me.
It's time I come to terms with these issues at hand instead of ignoring them. I am unhappy professionally, emotionally, creatively as well as *insert something severe here*. I have much to complain about, but also much to rejoice as well. I have actually forgotten what the purpose of this was to be about. I don't know where I'm going with this piece. I think I'm pretending to be introspective in an effort to avoid being introspective. I don't have time to think deeply -- it's laundry day!
But seriously, I've been away from LJ for a long time. There are many friends here that I've dropped out of contact with; and for this I am sorry. I've been flaky at best, and I apologize. So much has happened in the interim, that I don't know where to start (or where to end, as a matter of fact.) Let me see what statistics I can gather up in a few moments.
I'm still working at TBS/Turner in the Legal department. It pays the bills, but I am definitely unhappy there. Part of this stems from being forced out of my job by a pseudo-manager, and the rest comes from my desire to work with computers. There's a looooong story behind this, and I'm sure I'll post it some time soon. Meanwhile, I'm checking all job boards for entry-level IT positions that I can slip into. That's where my true passion lies and I'm getting too old to put it off to the side.
Another issue is my college schooling, or the lack thereof. It's funny that I now really want to go to college but I've got obligations making it difficult. I'm weighing the following options: Quit current day-job, acquire a night-job and attend school during the day; keep day-job and attend college online, at nights, or a combination of the two. Either one would burn me out, but a rekindling of my relationship with coffee would make it all possible. Speaking of which, I've been off of coffee for 2 or 3 years. Yesterday I bought a 8-cup maker and a 1-liter thermos. Hello addiction!
I've spent a lot of this morning checking Myspace for old friends/acquaintances from high school, and I've found a few. I've never really been into Myspace, but the nostalgia bug caught me for a few hours today. Call me weird or morbid, but I'm still waiting to see one of the girls (or guys :( ) from my graduating class make their entry into porn. I know I'm a sick bastard for writing it, but statistically (read: the ones I make up in my head) at least one of them has to be an amateur porn star by now.
This nostalgia is what got me thinking about how I deal with relationships. Put simply, I don't. I just don't have them. Analyzing it all leads me to believe that I'm afraid to establish more friendships and relationships because I expect them to either: a) end horribly or b) prove to be a waste of time. Looking at these two options shows me that bad endings occur, and it's a part of life. Also, I'm wasting my time already, so why not waste it with someone else? I don't know -- I don't let people too close these days. I've been so many people to so many people, but they're mostly masks to keep others away. I'll help almost anyone with anything but I'll never let them return the favor. Some might see it as being generous, but it's true selfishness at the core. I'm doing you a favor, proving that I'm better than you. If I let someone else help me, that would make it possible for them to be better than me, and I can't have that, of course!
I'm curious as to how much of this I'm consciously doing and how much just lies beneath the line, spewing automatic responses that I've conditioned myself into giving. I can change it all in an instant, if the motivation drove me to do it. Like anything new it'll take some time to get used to, but we humans are adaptable creatures. However, am I dissatisfied enough with my current existence to want to change? I think so.
So what's all this about, then? At the end of the day, it's just a 20-something's ramblings about how to deal with the world around him. There's a world of possibilities out there, and they sometimes get a little overwhelming. With all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, my train of thought often gets derailed and ends up smashing head-first into a passenger car or worse: disappearing in the jumble of organized thoughts. Coherency is no longer one of my strong-points; and outcome I associate with lack of interaction with others.
But enough about all that stuff. Here's what's new:
Got a nice little apartment 10 minutes north of Atlanta: Lonely
Bought a 37" Widescreen HDTV
Bought a new Dell Laptop
Purchased a new coffeemaker
Riding in a 2006 Nissan Altima
Befriended a co-worker that lives in Riverdale
Learning to program in Java
And that's about it. Sad to say the vast majority of my changes are acquisitions. I'm still the same confused guy, with the same problems that I ignore. Perhaps there's some comfort to be found in that?
Well, it's getting late in the morning, and I really do need to start washing some clothes. Yay for another 100 degree weekend in the ATL. If I weren't broke I'd go out and buy some summer clothes for myself. Welcome to the pity party. Host = me. Overall I'm keeping a good attitude, though. Things could truly be worse right now, so I'm very thankful for the blessings that I do have.
Getting all that out of my head should do me some good. I'll have some free room for new thoughts to occupy some space. Every time I "return" to LJ I promise regularly updated posts, but fail to deliver. I'll give no promises of the such this time, but I truthfully do want to continue this posting. Even if no one reads it, I'll at least be able to lie my thoughts to rest.