I'm kinda over the 'it's all my fault' thing
So I find myself constantly apologizing for who I am to s perticular someone. It's kind of ass backwards because everything I feel is what they say to me all the time, things like....nothing I say is the right, everything is always turned back on me, I feel like I can't say anything. With every altercation I think this and before I can say it they do.
What gets me most is when a dicussion happens and I know feathers are ruffeled so I end it and we seem all ok, I later find out that things are not ok. I learn this by the silent treatment tyipically and zero explaination. It takes another event of this nature to occure before I find out what the fuck happened.
Typically it is something I said with one intent that was taken as another, as if it had a nasty and direct hidden meaning. We eventually go thorugh the 'well you should have said blah blah blah instead' but I know if I had it would have been the same result or worse. I had to ask i they I am a mean, evil, and /or vindictive person....they said no, to which I replied 'then why would you think that I meant it that way?'. Typically there si no answer.
No answer because these are their issues being projected. Issues of mortality, issues of past choices that were made, issues of wanting to make one thing something it is not. When this happens this is because of their issues, not mine.
I know this yet after every interaction of the like I find myself being the one to grovel and apologize, trying to make things right. Never a sorry from them or an ownership of there part and never, ever an attempt to try to get to the bottom of why this communication friction continues to reoccure. I felt like shooting myself in the head by the time I left their place yesterday, as I had told someone shortly after, finding my way home through wicked tears falling from the feeling of being the ugliest, nastiest person alive.
Later it dawned on me. I had said to them, after they told me how horrible I make them feel and how I have ruined many an event, that I cannot make them do anything but wake up, a statement I'm borrowing. I cannot make them feel one way or another, that's their choice. I cannot make them interpret what I am saying one way or another, that's their choice. I cannot ever know how they is going to take something that I say, especially when it seems that anything said about something that they are sensitive about can offend them in the most extreme ways.
So what does this mean? Saddly it means I will use my old trusty rule and 'kill them with kindness'. To do that means nothing deeper than surface allowed. No more sharing of personal information. No more sharing of opinions. No more sharing of work issues, relationship issues, other family issues, money issues or anything sensitive. Only things that reflect that life is GREAT!
Focus on them, let them talk about what ever their heart desires. Honestly, they shouldn't worry about the things going on in my life anyway. They need to just enjoy theirs and just meet up like old friends for a glass of iced tea to shoot the 'life is good' shit.
Sure I'll share things like how the animals are doing, successful adoption events, the pumpkin my landlord gave me 3.5 months before Halloween, and so on. I can control this and it is my fault for feeling like it is all my fault because I am the fucktard that allowed it. That is going to change.
Just as I cannot make them do anything or feel anything, they cannot do the same to me, it is MY choice how I feel about what they say and do. It is my choice on how to act and react or not. It is my choice on what to bring to the table and what to keep private and that is how I am going to move forward with this relationship. Cuz I'm kinda over allowing myself to feel like it's all my fault when I have a choice.
What gets me most is when a dicussion happens and I know feathers are ruffeled so I end it and we seem all ok, I later find out that things are not ok. I learn this by the silent treatment tyipically and zero explaination. It takes another event of this nature to occure before I find out what the fuck happened.
Typically it is something I said with one intent that was taken as another, as if it had a nasty and direct hidden meaning. We eventually go thorugh the 'well you should have said blah blah blah instead' but I know if I had it would have been the same result or worse. I had to ask i they I am a mean, evil, and /or vindictive person....they said no, to which I replied 'then why would you think that I meant it that way?'. Typically there si no answer.
No answer because these are their issues being projected. Issues of mortality, issues of past choices that were made, issues of wanting to make one thing something it is not. When this happens this is because of their issues, not mine.
I know this yet after every interaction of the like I find myself being the one to grovel and apologize, trying to make things right. Never a sorry from them or an ownership of there part and never, ever an attempt to try to get to the bottom of why this communication friction continues to reoccure. I felt like shooting myself in the head by the time I left their place yesterday, as I had told someone shortly after, finding my way home through wicked tears falling from the feeling of being the ugliest, nastiest person alive.
Later it dawned on me. I had said to them, after they told me how horrible I make them feel and how I have ruined many an event, that I cannot make them do anything but wake up, a statement I'm borrowing. I cannot make them feel one way or another, that's their choice. I cannot make them interpret what I am saying one way or another, that's their choice. I cannot ever know how they is going to take something that I say, especially when it seems that anything said about something that they are sensitive about can offend them in the most extreme ways.
So what does this mean? Saddly it means I will use my old trusty rule and 'kill them with kindness'. To do that means nothing deeper than surface allowed. No more sharing of personal information. No more sharing of opinions. No more sharing of work issues, relationship issues, other family issues, money issues or anything sensitive. Only things that reflect that life is GREAT!
Focus on them, let them talk about what ever their heart desires. Honestly, they shouldn't worry about the things going on in my life anyway. They need to just enjoy theirs and just meet up like old friends for a glass of iced tea to shoot the 'life is good' shit.
Sure I'll share things like how the animals are doing, successful adoption events, the pumpkin my landlord gave me 3.5 months before Halloween, and so on. I can control this and it is my fault for feeling like it is all my fault because I am the fucktard that allowed it. That is going to change.
Just as I cannot make them do anything or feel anything, they cannot do the same to me, it is MY choice how I feel about what they say and do. It is my choice on how to act and react or not. It is my choice on what to bring to the table and what to keep private and that is how I am going to move forward with this relationship. Cuz I'm kinda over allowing myself to feel like it's all my fault when I have a choice.