SURPRISE SURPRISE
I told a cooworker today that my longest relationship was a month long. it was probably only 3 weeks, in retrospect. feeling ugly, poor, and despite decadent, expensive things surrounding me, i'm very much unfofilled. upon realizing this, that i've never had a real relationship, i realize quite simply that i probably never will. i'm the kind of person that is perfectly content simply existing, alone, as it always has been. there aren't any bones to be thrown, there aren't any more bones. i'm terrible at this. i realize also that i don't actually have any friends left. i have old friends, acquaintances, cooworkers and the like. but i don't have a single person that checks up on my well-being on a semi-daily basis. there aren't any. i expect very little from people, hoping to be surprised. the image that comes to mind is of me laying or sitting statuesque in one spot, eyeing the void, eyeing the dark, someone simply approaching, who would ask, simply 'are you ok?' the other example i've yet to use; requesting of someone 'look me in the eyes, and tell me what you see.' and i would stare pure and simple into theirs, and maybe, just maybe for long enough, a fleeting glimpse of a tattered, starved, weary young man might reach out to them. i feel, like there isn't anyone in the world for me. i feel, like i'm hungry. i am hungry, but i also feel hungry in a metaphorical sense. my cup is empty. where did all the rum go. i'm running out of gas. i want to go on sabbatical. i want a woman to find me. i want to fly away. these cries for help rarely received, but i still write them, as a record of my discontent. send me an angel, seriously please. all the women are gone, and me all dressed up. *shucks* i'll be a lifelong bachelor if this keeps up. i feel quite dead inside.