Sarange Ch. 36
Chapter 36.
I love you.
I should have known when Nae’s dad gave me that camera that he knew what he was doing. Even the first day, I spent three hours taking pictures of Dae. Granted some of them included Sean, but most of them were close-ups of Dae’s face. His eyes were of particular interest. He was completely photogenic, just like his father. Sean had to physically take the camera from my hands to get me to stop.
“Hey! Be careful with that. It was a gift.”
“You were right,” he said, placing the camera neatly on the coffee table. “He doesn’t spare any expense when it comes to the ladies.”
“He’s like a father to me. Only one I ever had, I guess you could say.” Lying on my stomach, I watched Dae play with the toys in front of him. Laughing and talking to himself about God knows what. Every couple of minutes, he would stop what he was doing and look at me as if to confirm that I was paying attention to him. All I could do was smile and pat his cheek, telling him what a smart boy he is.
“When was the last time you saw your father?”
I was a little surprised it took him this long to ask me about my family. Not that I was particularly happy about remembering the debacle that was my childhood, but the knot in my stomach was no longer there. I had finally let go of all the bad shit that had gone wrong in my life. I wanted to blame it on Changmin, but even after all that’d happened; even I could tell that I had changed.
“It’s been about thirteen years, I think. The last I saw of him was through the window before my mother shoved me into the taxi and we left for the airport. I hoped that he would come stop us or at the very least say goodbye, but he didn’t. He hasn’t tried to contact me since and I haven’t cared enough to contact him.” I guess he decided to push his luck because his next question was barely audible.
“What about your mom?”
“My mom died seven years ago after abusing herself and abandoning everyone around her that cared about her. She left me to fend for myself against a man who looked at me like I was his second wife instead of a stepdaughter.” Looking down at Dae who was trying to crawl across the floor, I knew that I was nothing like her. When I looked at him, I felt this primitive need to obliterate anyone who tried to hurt him. I would do anything for him and that was more of a comfort to me than a successful husband and a big house any day. Sean sat next to me leaning against the couch. His arm was light against my shoulder. I knew he wanted to hold me, but he was unsure if I was in the mood. Slapping his thigh, I scooted closer to him. He laughed and wrapped his arm tighter around me. We sat like that for a while watching Daejoon chew on everything he could get into his mouth.
“Daejoon-ah~, are you ready for bed?” Using Sean’s thigh, I pushed myself up to my knees, crawling toward my son who was trying to pull himself up by the coffee table. Picking him up, I headed down the hallway to the nursery. Getting him ready for bed was always fun. I used that time to teach him Korean. I wanted him to grow up knowing who he was and where he came from. I always thought it was such a waste for second generation children to speak only one language. I was determined that I would do the best I could so that no one, Korean or otherwise, would be able to look down on him because of his background. My sweet boy was so tired from his busy day that he barely put up a fight when I laid him in his crib and patted his butt until he fell asleep. Covering him lightly with his blanket, I walked down the hall to my room to get ready for bed. I was yawning every five seconds and my eyes were barely open. I had just gotten my pajamas on and my hair pulled back in a ponytail when Sean came up behind me.
“You better not have been watching me change.”
“I haven’t taken my eyes off you since you spilled my coffee a year ago.”
He laughed at the gagging noise I made at the back of my throat. “You’re really disgusting.” As if to confirm my accusation, he licked my cheek to which I screamed and punched him as hard as I could on his shoulder and rubbed the spit off my cheek. “You jerk!”
He just laughed like a creeper and hip checked me onto the bed. Without giving me even a second to sit up and glare at him, he climbed on top of me, pinning my arms above my head. Rolling my eyes, I stared at up at him, daring him to pull some shit. He stared down at me with that annoying smirk like he was about to do something bad. When he stuck out his tongue and slowly lowered his face to mine, I tried to pull out of his grasp while turning my head to the side and squealing like he was a bug.
“Don’t you fucking dare!”
“Don’t what?” I could feel his breath on my ear.
“If you stick your tongue in my ear.. so help me God, you’re dead!” Clearly he didn’t believe me because his entire body pressed against mine and I felt something wet touch my earlobe. I opened my mouth to scream, but I bit my lip instead to keep from promoting his bad behavior. He took my silence as a sign to proceed down my neck with feather light kisses making my shiver from the sensation. I was panting by the time he decided to look me in the eyes. I was embarrassed at how turned on I was so quickly. Regardless of how long it had been since I had slept with anyone, I wasn’t prepared for feeling this way about anyone else. His hands felt like they were everywhere. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly he had removed his clothes, or mine for that matter, but when he was finally over me and inside me, it was too late for me to turn back. Not going to lie, it felt pretty damn great to get out all the sexual tension going on between us for the past who knows how long. When he hit just the right spot, I cried out his name. Perhaps I was a little too fervent in my encouragement because he stopped and stared down at me.
“What are you doing?,” I gasped. “Don’t stop!”
He leaned down slowly to kiss me. His lips were wet and his tongue insistent so I nipped at it softly causing him to groan. I laughed on the inside as I kissed him back, hooking my thigh over his hip. He was an exceptionally good lover. He knew where to touch and how to caress to push me over the edge, which he seemed to enjoy a little too much.
The blue-black of the night sky was fading into a deep purple when we were too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep. I tried to fall asleep anyways. I was tired, but my mind was too busy to let me get any rest. When Sean started to snore softly, I got up and went to take a shower. I stood under the hot spray of water for a while. I didn’t feel guilty about what I did, that wasn’t the problem. I felt sad because the choices I made have been taking me further away from the life that I wanted, and maybe I still wanted it, but I didn’t know how to get it back. Realizing how selfish that sounded, I quickly finished up and headed back to my room to put on some pajamas. I sat at the edge of the bed brushing my hair.
“Ready for round 2?”
Looking over my shoulder, I stared down at him. The light of the morning sun was peeking in through the window giving him a more than usual rugged appearance that I was extremely fond of. “Nope, not interested.”
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me down next to him and wrapped his arm tightly around my waist.
“Liar.”
I bit his rib in retaliation before snuggling closer to him. Despite being rough around the edges, he was actually really cute judging from the way he was stroking my arm from shoulder to elbow. I guess I didn’t pay that much attention to the subtle ways that he tried to be appealing before. Closing my eyes and yawning, I snuggled close to finally get some sleep when I heard a rustling of blankets coming from the Dae’s baby monitor. Pouting, I hid my face against Sean’s chest not wanting to get up just yet since I hadn’t really slept at all.
“I love you.”
I froze against Sean’s chest. I was so startled that I actually contemplated if I was the one that said it instead. Realizing how dumb that was, I rolled over away from him and pretended to be asleep. I’m not sure exactly why I did that, but I was not in the mood for another milestone tonight so I resorted to the childish practice of avoidance. I felt the bed shift as he sat up and leaned against the headboard.
“I know you’re not sleeping.” He nudged my shoulder as if he thought that would make me stop pretending. I opened my eyes, but I refused to face him so I sat up grabbed my robe off the floor to wrap it around me before going to get Dae who was going to start screaming any minute.
“Whoa, where are you going?” He was off the bed and pulling me back by my arm before I had even made it to the door. He pulled me around to look at him, but I stared at the floor. Even when he tilted my chin up, I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his for longer than a second. “Are you not going to say anything?”
“What do you want from me, Sean? Do you want me to say it back even though I don’t mean it? Or should I tell you the truth that I’m not even sure when our relationship evolved into this?”
“What are you talking about? I don’t expect anything from you. Forgive me for thinking that we had gotten to a point where we could be honest with each other about how we feel.” He let me go and took a step back.
“We are, but saying that makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t understand why you have to ruin this. Tonight was really fun, but it’s not like we’re going to get married. Who knows, we may even break up tomorrow. You can’t predict what’s going to happen so why hint at promises that you’re not gonna be able keep?”
“You have up and lost your damn mind, woman. Who the hell said I was proposing anyways? I said, ‘I love you.’ not will you be my wife. Why can’t you just take it for what it is?”
“And what might that be?”
“An expression of deep affection for someone I care about intimately. This is not an all or nothing expression, it’s just a reassurance that my feelings for you are becoming stronger. I’ve been holding this back for the past few months because I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“Well you screwed that up because I’m freaked out!” I was getting really annoyed at the turn this conversation was taking. I wanted him to shut up and leave me alone for a second so I could think clearly, but he just kept running his mouth!
“Why?”
“What does it matter the reason why? I’m telling you how I feel and like a typical man, you’re ignoring what I’m saying.”
“I’m not. You’re just not making any sense as usual. You waste so much time and energy on trying not to feel anything that you hurt those around you that do give a shit. Why? Because of him? You still love him so that’s why you can’t feel anything for me? Or do you feel some strange guilt about moving on when clearly things with him are dead and gone.”
“What?! How dare you talk about Changmin! You don’t know anything about anything!”
“Oh, I don’t know anything about anything?” He ran his fingers through his hair tugging at the roots as if he was going to pull his hair out. Sighing, he walked over to my dresser and pulled open my under sock drawer. “What the hell are you doing?!”
I rushed over to slam it shut, but he had already reached in and pulled out the picture I hide before Dae was born. Snatching it out of his hand, I shoved him away from the dresser. “How dare you go through my stuff!”
“I didn’t go through your stuff. I was putting away the clothes that you always leave in the basket for weeks on end until they are dirty again. I found it by accident. Why are you getting so angry about this?”
“Because I don’t love you, okay?! And I will probably never love anyone again!” Even I was a little shocked that I had said it. He took a step back and nodded his head as he scratched the back of his neck.
“Got it. You don’t have to say another word.” He got dressed as quickly as he got undressed and started to leave when I finally came back from space and ran after him.
“Sean, wait!” I reached out to stop him, but he shoved my arm away. I followed him to the front door trying to get him to stop and let me explain, but he was doing an excellent job of ignoring me. I wanted to go after him, but I had thirty seconds to turn off the security alarm before I woke up the entire neighborhood. When I finally ran out the front door, he was pulling out of the driveway. I stood there in the middle of the road until he turned the corner. Wiping my eyes, I walked slowly back up the driveway to wake up Daejoon.
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A/N: Well this was an interesting turn of events. I had no idea Sean had it in him. Umm.. yea, that's all I got for now. Happy reading :)
I love you.
I should have known when Nae’s dad gave me that camera that he knew what he was doing. Even the first day, I spent three hours taking pictures of Dae. Granted some of them included Sean, but most of them were close-ups of Dae’s face. His eyes were of particular interest. He was completely photogenic, just like his father. Sean had to physically take the camera from my hands to get me to stop.
“Hey! Be careful with that. It was a gift.”
“You were right,” he said, placing the camera neatly on the coffee table. “He doesn’t spare any expense when it comes to the ladies.”
“He’s like a father to me. Only one I ever had, I guess you could say.” Lying on my stomach, I watched Dae play with the toys in front of him. Laughing and talking to himself about God knows what. Every couple of minutes, he would stop what he was doing and look at me as if to confirm that I was paying attention to him. All I could do was smile and pat his cheek, telling him what a smart boy he is.
“When was the last time you saw your father?”
I was a little surprised it took him this long to ask me about my family. Not that I was particularly happy about remembering the debacle that was my childhood, but the knot in my stomach was no longer there. I had finally let go of all the bad shit that had gone wrong in my life. I wanted to blame it on Changmin, but even after all that’d happened; even I could tell that I had changed.
“It’s been about thirteen years, I think. The last I saw of him was through the window before my mother shoved me into the taxi and we left for the airport. I hoped that he would come stop us or at the very least say goodbye, but he didn’t. He hasn’t tried to contact me since and I haven’t cared enough to contact him.” I guess he decided to push his luck because his next question was barely audible.
“What about your mom?”
“My mom died seven years ago after abusing herself and abandoning everyone around her that cared about her. She left me to fend for myself against a man who looked at me like I was his second wife instead of a stepdaughter.” Looking down at Dae who was trying to crawl across the floor, I knew that I was nothing like her. When I looked at him, I felt this primitive need to obliterate anyone who tried to hurt him. I would do anything for him and that was more of a comfort to me than a successful husband and a big house any day. Sean sat next to me leaning against the couch. His arm was light against my shoulder. I knew he wanted to hold me, but he was unsure if I was in the mood. Slapping his thigh, I scooted closer to him. He laughed and wrapped his arm tighter around me. We sat like that for a while watching Daejoon chew on everything he could get into his mouth.
“Daejoon-ah~, are you ready for bed?” Using Sean’s thigh, I pushed myself up to my knees, crawling toward my son who was trying to pull himself up by the coffee table. Picking him up, I headed down the hallway to the nursery. Getting him ready for bed was always fun. I used that time to teach him Korean. I wanted him to grow up knowing who he was and where he came from. I always thought it was such a waste for second generation children to speak only one language. I was determined that I would do the best I could so that no one, Korean or otherwise, would be able to look down on him because of his background. My sweet boy was so tired from his busy day that he barely put up a fight when I laid him in his crib and patted his butt until he fell asleep. Covering him lightly with his blanket, I walked down the hall to my room to get ready for bed. I was yawning every five seconds and my eyes were barely open. I had just gotten my pajamas on and my hair pulled back in a ponytail when Sean came up behind me.
“You better not have been watching me change.”
“I haven’t taken my eyes off you since you spilled my coffee a year ago.”
He laughed at the gagging noise I made at the back of my throat. “You’re really disgusting.” As if to confirm my accusation, he licked my cheek to which I screamed and punched him as hard as I could on his shoulder and rubbed the spit off my cheek. “You jerk!”
He just laughed like a creeper and hip checked me onto the bed. Without giving me even a second to sit up and glare at him, he climbed on top of me, pinning my arms above my head. Rolling my eyes, I stared at up at him, daring him to pull some shit. He stared down at me with that annoying smirk like he was about to do something bad. When he stuck out his tongue and slowly lowered his face to mine, I tried to pull out of his grasp while turning my head to the side and squealing like he was a bug.
“Don’t you fucking dare!”
“Don’t what?” I could feel his breath on my ear.
“If you stick your tongue in my ear.. so help me God, you’re dead!” Clearly he didn’t believe me because his entire body pressed against mine and I felt something wet touch my earlobe. I opened my mouth to scream, but I bit my lip instead to keep from promoting his bad behavior. He took my silence as a sign to proceed down my neck with feather light kisses making my shiver from the sensation. I was panting by the time he decided to look me in the eyes. I was embarrassed at how turned on I was so quickly. Regardless of how long it had been since I had slept with anyone, I wasn’t prepared for feeling this way about anyone else. His hands felt like they were everywhere. I couldn’t pinpoint when exactly he had removed his clothes, or mine for that matter, but when he was finally over me and inside me, it was too late for me to turn back. Not going to lie, it felt pretty damn great to get out all the sexual tension going on between us for the past who knows how long. When he hit just the right spot, I cried out his name. Perhaps I was a little too fervent in my encouragement because he stopped and stared down at me.
“What are you doing?,” I gasped. “Don’t stop!”
He leaned down slowly to kiss me. His lips were wet and his tongue insistent so I nipped at it softly causing him to groan. I laughed on the inside as I kissed him back, hooking my thigh over his hip. He was an exceptionally good lover. He knew where to touch and how to caress to push me over the edge, which he seemed to enjoy a little too much.
The blue-black of the night sky was fading into a deep purple when we were too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep. I tried to fall asleep anyways. I was tired, but my mind was too busy to let me get any rest. When Sean started to snore softly, I got up and went to take a shower. I stood under the hot spray of water for a while. I didn’t feel guilty about what I did, that wasn’t the problem. I felt sad because the choices I made have been taking me further away from the life that I wanted, and maybe I still wanted it, but I didn’t know how to get it back. Realizing how selfish that sounded, I quickly finished up and headed back to my room to put on some pajamas. I sat at the edge of the bed brushing my hair.
“Ready for round 2?”
Looking over my shoulder, I stared down at him. The light of the morning sun was peeking in through the window giving him a more than usual rugged appearance that I was extremely fond of. “Nope, not interested.”
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me down next to him and wrapped his arm tightly around my waist.
“Liar.”
I bit his rib in retaliation before snuggling closer to him. Despite being rough around the edges, he was actually really cute judging from the way he was stroking my arm from shoulder to elbow. I guess I didn’t pay that much attention to the subtle ways that he tried to be appealing before. Closing my eyes and yawning, I snuggled close to finally get some sleep when I heard a rustling of blankets coming from the Dae’s baby monitor. Pouting, I hid my face against Sean’s chest not wanting to get up just yet since I hadn’t really slept at all.
“I love you.”
I froze against Sean’s chest. I was so startled that I actually contemplated if I was the one that said it instead. Realizing how dumb that was, I rolled over away from him and pretended to be asleep. I’m not sure exactly why I did that, but I was not in the mood for another milestone tonight so I resorted to the childish practice of avoidance. I felt the bed shift as he sat up and leaned against the headboard.
“I know you’re not sleeping.” He nudged my shoulder as if he thought that would make me stop pretending. I opened my eyes, but I refused to face him so I sat up grabbed my robe off the floor to wrap it around me before going to get Dae who was going to start screaming any minute.
“Whoa, where are you going?” He was off the bed and pulling me back by my arm before I had even made it to the door. He pulled me around to look at him, but I stared at the floor. Even when he tilted my chin up, I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his for longer than a second. “Are you not going to say anything?”
“What do you want from me, Sean? Do you want me to say it back even though I don’t mean it? Or should I tell you the truth that I’m not even sure when our relationship evolved into this?”
“What are you talking about? I don’t expect anything from you. Forgive me for thinking that we had gotten to a point where we could be honest with each other about how we feel.” He let me go and took a step back.
“We are, but saying that makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t understand why you have to ruin this. Tonight was really fun, but it’s not like we’re going to get married. Who knows, we may even break up tomorrow. You can’t predict what’s going to happen so why hint at promises that you’re not gonna be able keep?”
“You have up and lost your damn mind, woman. Who the hell said I was proposing anyways? I said, ‘I love you.’ not will you be my wife. Why can’t you just take it for what it is?”
“And what might that be?”
“An expression of deep affection for someone I care about intimately. This is not an all or nothing expression, it’s just a reassurance that my feelings for you are becoming stronger. I’ve been holding this back for the past few months because I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“Well you screwed that up because I’m freaked out!” I was getting really annoyed at the turn this conversation was taking. I wanted him to shut up and leave me alone for a second so I could think clearly, but he just kept running his mouth!
“Why?”
“What does it matter the reason why? I’m telling you how I feel and like a typical man, you’re ignoring what I’m saying.”
“I’m not. You’re just not making any sense as usual. You waste so much time and energy on trying not to feel anything that you hurt those around you that do give a shit. Why? Because of him? You still love him so that’s why you can’t feel anything for me? Or do you feel some strange guilt about moving on when clearly things with him are dead and gone.”
“What?! How dare you talk about Changmin! You don’t know anything about anything!”
“Oh, I don’t know anything about anything?” He ran his fingers through his hair tugging at the roots as if he was going to pull his hair out. Sighing, he walked over to my dresser and pulled open my under sock drawer. “What the hell are you doing?!”
I rushed over to slam it shut, but he had already reached in and pulled out the picture I hide before Dae was born. Snatching it out of his hand, I shoved him away from the dresser. “How dare you go through my stuff!”
“I didn’t go through your stuff. I was putting away the clothes that you always leave in the basket for weeks on end until they are dirty again. I found it by accident. Why are you getting so angry about this?”
“Because I don’t love you, okay?! And I will probably never love anyone again!” Even I was a little shocked that I had said it. He took a step back and nodded his head as he scratched the back of his neck.
“Got it. You don’t have to say another word.” He got dressed as quickly as he got undressed and started to leave when I finally came back from space and ran after him.
“Sean, wait!” I reached out to stop him, but he shoved my arm away. I followed him to the front door trying to get him to stop and let me explain, but he was doing an excellent job of ignoring me. I wanted to go after him, but I had thirty seconds to turn off the security alarm before I woke up the entire neighborhood. When I finally ran out the front door, he was pulling out of the driveway. I stood there in the middle of the road until he turned the corner. Wiping my eyes, I walked slowly back up the driveway to wake up Daejoon.
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A/N: Well this was an interesting turn of events. I had no idea Sean had it in him. Umm.. yea, that's all I got for now. Happy reading :)