Sarange Ch. 32
Chapter 32.
Permanent state of disappointment.
I was terrified the first few weeks I was home with him. Lanae stayed for a few days to help me out while I recovered, but then she had to go meet the In-Laws, as I liked to refer to them. She would hit me and play it off like it was an informal meeting, but she was acting different. I'd never seen her so flustered before. It would have been hilarious to make fun of her if I didn't have to worry about my own problems. Thanks to Vickie the nursery was ready and stocked when we got home. She'd painted the walls a light green color and set all the toys and trinkets on the shelves. I was glad that I didn't have to do it because decorating was not that interesting to me. I still wasn't as attached to Dae as I thought I should be. The drugs had long since worn off, but I still didn't feel right. It bugged the hell out of me that I couldn't be like everyone else, like there was something wrong with me that made me not love my own child. I didn't ignore him though. If anything, I spent more time with him. When he was awake, I would feed him, change him and just hold him; but when he went to sleep, I would stand there and watch him. I didn't fully understand why, but being near him gave me peace of mind. I was fascinated by the fact that this tiny human being came from me and Changmin. Everyone that saw him said how beautiful he is so I know it wasn't just a mother's biased opinion.
Lanae brought her new boyfriend by a few days later. She had successfully been introduced to the parents and was approved of so she was a lot more at ease than when I saw her last. She was the typical aunt, always around telling me what to do and trying to take over when she thought I was doing something wrong. Not that I minded in the slightest. I was happy to let her take over some of the diaper changing and burping, but I always stayed close-by to make sure that he was okay. After spending a few nights, they had to return to Seoul for Brady to get back to work. I cried like a baby when she left, blaming it on the fact that I was a new mother and my hormones were still out of whack. Lanae hit me and told me to come visit soon as she tried to discreetly wipe her own eyes.
When I took Dae to the bookstore, everyone fawned over him. Sean was always more than willing to hold him in one of those carriers you wear over your shoulders like a backpack. This was really entertaining to his friends when they stopped by, but he didn't seem to mind. One lady went so far as to make the comment that Sean and I should make more beautiful babies. I didn't want to have to explain the situation so I just smiled and nodded, but Sean seemed a little too interested in the idea so I just gave him a side-eye and walked away. He hadn't made a move on me since he kissed me. I figured it was because he thought the shock sent me into labor and I didn't bother correcting him. He would wise up eventually and I would have to deal with his bullshit then.
The days seemed to drift by, one into another, without my realizing it. Dae was getting bigger by the week and the overwhelming feeling of motherhood still eluded me. I knew that I cared about him, at least, because I almost broke Sean's nose when he accidentally ran into someone while holding Dae. That was not a good day because word got around that a white woman was screaming like a mental patient in very rude Korean and no one came in the store for a few hours. Since there wasn't a need for my services, I took an extended break and took Dae upstairs to the studio. He looked so adorable in the hat that Vickie bought for him that I couldn't help taking pictures of him to send to Lanae.
I cuddled him against me, making sure he was warm as I gently rocked him while staring out the window. There was snow on the ground outside, but people continued to flood the street, coming and going with purpose. Looking down at them, their lives seemed so uncomplicated. Girls dressed in cut-off shorts with tights and designer boots or guys in fitted jackets and beanies heading to BBQ or coming back from shopping made me sigh with envy. I was caught up in my thoughts and didn't realize that Sean had come upstairs to check on me until his arm wrapped around my back resting softly against my waist. I glared at him for a second before looking back out the window wondering if I was going to be stuck in a permanent state of disappointment or if it was just a phase.
"Sorry about earlier," he whispered.
I ignored his comment because if I acknowledged it, I would only become angry again and I didn't want to be mad while holding Dae. We stood there watching the people below until the sun started to go down. I felt Dae shiver in my arms from the chill coming off the window and I turned to go downstairs and get him bundled up for the ride home. I couldn't believe that Christmas and New Year's had passed already. I was so busy trying to adjust to life back in the states and Vickie was working extra hours to make up for the cost of my living that the holidays were barely blip on the radar. Not that I was in a particularly celebratory mood anyways, but it seemed a shame to ignore my favorite time of year. Walking carefully down the stairs, I heard Sean walking behind me.
"Let me drive you back."
"No, it's like a two hour drive with the traffic. The bus is fine."
"I'm serious. Just let me drive you, okay? It's the least I can do and you won't have to worry about Dae catching some fugus from the subway."
"Fine, but I don't want to hear any shit about the traffic or the long drive."
"Scouts honor." He made some silly salute and I rolled my eyes at how stupid he acted sometimes.
As I waited at the door for him to get his car, it began to snow again. I tucked Dae's blanket tighter around him and stroked his cheek softly. His lip curled up in a half-smile and I felt a pang in my chest at how much he looked like Changmin at that moment. Before I could fall down a spiralling staircase of despair, Sean pulled up and honked his horn. Snapping back to reality, I walked carefully across the ice and snow covered sidewalk to get in the backseat to strap Dae's carrier in. The drive was rather quiet. Although, I did feel Sean's pervy stares in the rearview mirror while we were stuck in traffic. I chose to ignore him and make sure Dae was warm and sleeping.
When we reached my house, he refused to just leave. Especially, after I told him that Vickie was staying in the city to work on staging some apartments for some very important clients. He took it upon himself to have a seat in the living room while I got Dae fed and changed before putting him down for the night. When I walked back into the room, the TV volume was on low. I was about to smack him and tell him to get out when I heard him snore softly. I bit my finger to keep from laughing. I sighed when I realized that I felt more comfortable with someone in the house even if it was him. Grabbing a blanket from the hall, I covered him gently. As I was pulling away, I felt something grab my wrist and pull me back. Tripping on the rug, I fell hard onto the couch half-sitting in Sean's lap.
I tried unsuccessfully to get up. "What are you doing," I asked, as I pulled at his fingers.
"When are you going to go out with me?"
Rolling my eyes, I slapped his arm. "What? Why would I go out with you? Let go of me."
"We're together all the time, you know I love Dae like he's my own, so what's the problem?"
I didn't except him to say that. I was glad to have some sort of male figure for Dae to look up to, but I wanted more than anything for it to be his actual father.
Taking a deep breath, I said, "Look, I'm glad that you and Dae get on so well, and believe me I'm thankful for your help, but that's all it is. I can't date you."
"I can't date you.. what does that even mean? Do you not find me attractive? Cause I have it on good authority that I'm pretty damn good looking."
"Who in their right mind would tell you such a bold-faced lie?"
"My mother."
I laughed in his face.
"No, that has nothing to do with it, I just can't."
I slid off his lap onto the cushion next to him. Resting my head against his arm behind my head, contemplating how I should explain the situation. I wasn't even sure I wanted him to know the whole story. He probably wouldn't believe me anyway so I didn't really see a point.
"I'm not trying to date anyone. I just had a baby, and I'm not entirely sure that I can handle that relationship on it's own without the bullshit of a boyfriend. So please stop asking me."
"I'm not going to stop asking until you go out with me. As far as I'm concerned, we're dating already. Look at you. Already cuddling up next to me after a long day spent arguing together."
Slapping his arm, I got up and glared down at him with my hands on my hips.
"I'm in love with someone else, okay? I have been for a really long time and that feeling hasn't gone away. Not even a little bit. I would love more than anything to be with him right now, but it's not possible so I'm trying to do the best I can by Dae, and you're just making it more difficult. So I'm asking you to please just be my friend, and if you can't do that then we can't be anything."
He stood up suddenly forcing me to take a step back.
"Is he Dae's father?"
I wasn't expecting him to say anything so I stared at the floor for a second before I looked up at him and asked, "What?"
"The guy you're in love with, is he Dae's father?"
"Yes."
"Then why did you break-up with him? You ran away, remember?"
"Yes, I remember. All too clearly, but I was smart enough to make the best decision for everyone involved instead of just doing what I wanted. So forgive me, if I'm not flipping my shit over the fact that you want to date me!"
"From where I'm standing, what you're doing isn't what's best for Dae. He needs a father. If not his real one then one that loves him like a father."
"And who might that be Sean? You? Are you willing to be a father to Dae? Ready to stop partying and grow up? Ready to put him before everyone else?"
"Yes. When I told you that I loved him like he was my own, I meant it. What did you think, that I said it just to get in your pants?"
"The thought had crossed my mind."
"Oh, get over yourself! If I just wanted in your pants, I would be long gone by now."
"UGH! GOD! Shut up! Just shut u-"
He lunged for me and clamped his hand over my mouth. It seemed like we stood there for minutes until I heard a wail coming from down the hall. Flaring my nose, I glared at him.
"Now look what you've done!"
"You were the one screaming like a lunatic."
Grabbing his hand, I bit him as hard as I could before turning on my heels and walking down the hall to placate a very upset baby. Peeking into the nursery, I whispered his name. I tip-toed across the floor to the crib and reaching in, I patted him on the stomach, humming softly until he quieted down and went back to sleep.
I headed back into the living room to tell Sean to get the hell out, but he caught me in the hall and pulled me into the kitchen where he placed a steaming pot of ramyun on the table. I glared at him for a second until I realized he was wearing an ahjumma apron and I couldn't help laughing at him. He snarled as he handed me a set of chopsticks. Rolling my eyes, I took them from him and proceeded to suck a large portion of the noodles into my mouth.
"So.. Dae's dad is from DBSK, right?"
Permanent state of disappointment.
I was terrified the first few weeks I was home with him. Lanae stayed for a few days to help me out while I recovered, but then she had to go meet the In-Laws, as I liked to refer to them. She would hit me and play it off like it was an informal meeting, but she was acting different. I'd never seen her so flustered before. It would have been hilarious to make fun of her if I didn't have to worry about my own problems. Thanks to Vickie the nursery was ready and stocked when we got home. She'd painted the walls a light green color and set all the toys and trinkets on the shelves. I was glad that I didn't have to do it because decorating was not that interesting to me. I still wasn't as attached to Dae as I thought I should be. The drugs had long since worn off, but I still didn't feel right. It bugged the hell out of me that I couldn't be like everyone else, like there was something wrong with me that made me not love my own child. I didn't ignore him though. If anything, I spent more time with him. When he was awake, I would feed him, change him and just hold him; but when he went to sleep, I would stand there and watch him. I didn't fully understand why, but being near him gave me peace of mind. I was fascinated by the fact that this tiny human being came from me and Changmin. Everyone that saw him said how beautiful he is so I know it wasn't just a mother's biased opinion.
Lanae brought her new boyfriend by a few days later. She had successfully been introduced to the parents and was approved of so she was a lot more at ease than when I saw her last. She was the typical aunt, always around telling me what to do and trying to take over when she thought I was doing something wrong. Not that I minded in the slightest. I was happy to let her take over some of the diaper changing and burping, but I always stayed close-by to make sure that he was okay. After spending a few nights, they had to return to Seoul for Brady to get back to work. I cried like a baby when she left, blaming it on the fact that I was a new mother and my hormones were still out of whack. Lanae hit me and told me to come visit soon as she tried to discreetly wipe her own eyes.
When I took Dae to the bookstore, everyone fawned over him. Sean was always more than willing to hold him in one of those carriers you wear over your shoulders like a backpack. This was really entertaining to his friends when they stopped by, but he didn't seem to mind. One lady went so far as to make the comment that Sean and I should make more beautiful babies. I didn't want to have to explain the situation so I just smiled and nodded, but Sean seemed a little too interested in the idea so I just gave him a side-eye and walked away. He hadn't made a move on me since he kissed me. I figured it was because he thought the shock sent me into labor and I didn't bother correcting him. He would wise up eventually and I would have to deal with his bullshit then.
The days seemed to drift by, one into another, without my realizing it. Dae was getting bigger by the week and the overwhelming feeling of motherhood still eluded me. I knew that I cared about him, at least, because I almost broke Sean's nose when he accidentally ran into someone while holding Dae. That was not a good day because word got around that a white woman was screaming like a mental patient in very rude Korean and no one came in the store for a few hours. Since there wasn't a need for my services, I took an extended break and took Dae upstairs to the studio. He looked so adorable in the hat that Vickie bought for him that I couldn't help taking pictures of him to send to Lanae.
I cuddled him against me, making sure he was warm as I gently rocked him while staring out the window. There was snow on the ground outside, but people continued to flood the street, coming and going with purpose. Looking down at them, their lives seemed so uncomplicated. Girls dressed in cut-off shorts with tights and designer boots or guys in fitted jackets and beanies heading to BBQ or coming back from shopping made me sigh with envy. I was caught up in my thoughts and didn't realize that Sean had come upstairs to check on me until his arm wrapped around my back resting softly against my waist. I glared at him for a second before looking back out the window wondering if I was going to be stuck in a permanent state of disappointment or if it was just a phase.
"Sorry about earlier," he whispered.
I ignored his comment because if I acknowledged it, I would only become angry again and I didn't want to be mad while holding Dae. We stood there watching the people below until the sun started to go down. I felt Dae shiver in my arms from the chill coming off the window and I turned to go downstairs and get him bundled up for the ride home. I couldn't believe that Christmas and New Year's had passed already. I was so busy trying to adjust to life back in the states and Vickie was working extra hours to make up for the cost of my living that the holidays were barely blip on the radar. Not that I was in a particularly celebratory mood anyways, but it seemed a shame to ignore my favorite time of year. Walking carefully down the stairs, I heard Sean walking behind me.
"Let me drive you back."
"No, it's like a two hour drive with the traffic. The bus is fine."
"I'm serious. Just let me drive you, okay? It's the least I can do and you won't have to worry about Dae catching some fugus from the subway."
"Fine, but I don't want to hear any shit about the traffic or the long drive."
"Scouts honor." He made some silly salute and I rolled my eyes at how stupid he acted sometimes.
As I waited at the door for him to get his car, it began to snow again. I tucked Dae's blanket tighter around him and stroked his cheek softly. His lip curled up in a half-smile and I felt a pang in my chest at how much he looked like Changmin at that moment. Before I could fall down a spiralling staircase of despair, Sean pulled up and honked his horn. Snapping back to reality, I walked carefully across the ice and snow covered sidewalk to get in the backseat to strap Dae's carrier in. The drive was rather quiet. Although, I did feel Sean's pervy stares in the rearview mirror while we were stuck in traffic. I chose to ignore him and make sure Dae was warm and sleeping.
When we reached my house, he refused to just leave. Especially, after I told him that Vickie was staying in the city to work on staging some apartments for some very important clients. He took it upon himself to have a seat in the living room while I got Dae fed and changed before putting him down for the night. When I walked back into the room, the TV volume was on low. I was about to smack him and tell him to get out when I heard him snore softly. I bit my finger to keep from laughing. I sighed when I realized that I felt more comfortable with someone in the house even if it was him. Grabbing a blanket from the hall, I covered him gently. As I was pulling away, I felt something grab my wrist and pull me back. Tripping on the rug, I fell hard onto the couch half-sitting in Sean's lap.
I tried unsuccessfully to get up. "What are you doing," I asked, as I pulled at his fingers.
"When are you going to go out with me?"
Rolling my eyes, I slapped his arm. "What? Why would I go out with you? Let go of me."
"We're together all the time, you know I love Dae like he's my own, so what's the problem?"
I didn't except him to say that. I was glad to have some sort of male figure for Dae to look up to, but I wanted more than anything for it to be his actual father.
Taking a deep breath, I said, "Look, I'm glad that you and Dae get on so well, and believe me I'm thankful for your help, but that's all it is. I can't date you."
"I can't date you.. what does that even mean? Do you not find me attractive? Cause I have it on good authority that I'm pretty damn good looking."
"Who in their right mind would tell you such a bold-faced lie?"
"My mother."
I laughed in his face.
"No, that has nothing to do with it, I just can't."
I slid off his lap onto the cushion next to him. Resting my head against his arm behind my head, contemplating how I should explain the situation. I wasn't even sure I wanted him to know the whole story. He probably wouldn't believe me anyway so I didn't really see a point.
"I'm not trying to date anyone. I just had a baby, and I'm not entirely sure that I can handle that relationship on it's own without the bullshit of a boyfriend. So please stop asking me."
"I'm not going to stop asking until you go out with me. As far as I'm concerned, we're dating already. Look at you. Already cuddling up next to me after a long day spent arguing together."
Slapping his arm, I got up and glared down at him with my hands on my hips.
"I'm in love with someone else, okay? I have been for a really long time and that feeling hasn't gone away. Not even a little bit. I would love more than anything to be with him right now, but it's not possible so I'm trying to do the best I can by Dae, and you're just making it more difficult. So I'm asking you to please just be my friend, and if you can't do that then we can't be anything."
He stood up suddenly forcing me to take a step back.
"Is he Dae's father?"
I wasn't expecting him to say anything so I stared at the floor for a second before I looked up at him and asked, "What?"
"The guy you're in love with, is he Dae's father?"
"Yes."
"Then why did you break-up with him? You ran away, remember?"
"Yes, I remember. All too clearly, but I was smart enough to make the best decision for everyone involved instead of just doing what I wanted. So forgive me, if I'm not flipping my shit over the fact that you want to date me!"
"From where I'm standing, what you're doing isn't what's best for Dae. He needs a father. If not his real one then one that loves him like a father."
"And who might that be Sean? You? Are you willing to be a father to Dae? Ready to stop partying and grow up? Ready to put him before everyone else?"
"Yes. When I told you that I loved him like he was my own, I meant it. What did you think, that I said it just to get in your pants?"
"The thought had crossed my mind."
"Oh, get over yourself! If I just wanted in your pants, I would be long gone by now."
"UGH! GOD! Shut up! Just shut u-"
He lunged for me and clamped his hand over my mouth. It seemed like we stood there for minutes until I heard a wail coming from down the hall. Flaring my nose, I glared at him.
"Now look what you've done!"
"You were the one screaming like a lunatic."
Grabbing his hand, I bit him as hard as I could before turning on my heels and walking down the hall to placate a very upset baby. Peeking into the nursery, I whispered his name. I tip-toed across the floor to the crib and reaching in, I patted him on the stomach, humming softly until he quieted down and went back to sleep.
I headed back into the living room to tell Sean to get the hell out, but he caught me in the hall and pulled me into the kitchen where he placed a steaming pot of ramyun on the table. I glared at him for a second until I realized he was wearing an ahjumma apron and I couldn't help laughing at him. He snarled as he handed me a set of chopsticks. Rolling my eyes, I took them from him and proceeded to suck a large portion of the noodles into my mouth.
"So.. Dae's dad is from DBSK, right?"