Sarange Ch. 25
Chapter 25.
Changmin, I'm sorry.
While I was waiting for Lanae, my phone vibrated in my bag. Opening my inbox, I read Jae’s message quickly.
05:43 p.m. JaeJoong: “why’d you hang up on me? I just wanted to talk to you.. I miss you. ㅜㅜ”
05:46 p.m. Shevaun: “i miss u 2 but it doesnt change things”
05:47 p.m. JaeJoong: “What is going on with you? :/ I’m worried about you.”
05:47 p.m. Shevaun: “nothin”
05:49 p.m. JaeJoong: “Liar. >:l Jiyoung called me about the gifts. Care to explain?”
05:55 p.m. Shevaun: “Is it a crime to buy gifts for friends?”
05:55 p.m. JaeJoong: “Don’t lie to me. Are you pregnant?”
Chewing my nails, my mind raced for what to say.
06:07 p.m. Shevaun: “no & if i were would it really matter? he’d still be an idol & id still be just a backup dancer”
06:07 p.m. JaeJoong: “>.< Of course it matters! It’s a baby.”
06:08 p.m. Shevaun: “well im not. im just a bitch that leads ppl on right?”
Lanae had been a little late picking me up but she made up for it by picking up BBQ on the way home. I was picking through the bag, feeding myself random side dishes when my phone vibrated again. I thought he had given up but I guess I was wrong.
06:25 p.m. JaeJoong: “I don’t believe that. You’re a good person. I want to believe that you have a reason. Why can’t you tell me? I told you my secrets. Don’t you trust me?”
06:27 p.m. Shevaun: “jae theres nothin 2 tell”
06:27 p.m. JaeJoong: “Do you swear?”
06:28 p.m. Shevaun: “yes”
06:30 p.m. JaeJoong: “Well that’s a relief. We’re going back to Japan soon. You should come to the fan meeting we’re holding. It’d be good to see you before we go.”
06:38 p.m. Shevaun: “wouldnt miss it 4 the world”
“Well shit.”
I could see Lanae staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I just shook my head, not wanting to get into it while driving. She would probably get all upset that I lied to Jae and text him behind my back to tell him the truth. I hated lying to him, but if he knew something was up, everything I did would be for naught. He seemed to buy my excuse, but I probably hadn’t seen the last of his busybody. As usual, I had gotten myself into a situation that I did not need to be in. I didn’t need the extra stress per my doctor, but there was nothing I could do about it when they kept calling and texting. Thankfully, no one’s showed up. I would probably be fucked if Jae decided to stop by but he didn’t know where I lived and I doubted he would have time to harass me at work with his schedule.
The next month passed by in a blur. I had to have an ultrasound because I had started spotting blood. It was light and the nurse assured me that a lot of women experience light bleeding during pregnancy, but they wanted to be sure so there I was lying on my back with a glob of cold goo on my stomach while some technician tried to locate a problem. After about ten minutes, she told me everything seemed fine and asked if I would like a picture of the baby to take home. I wasn’t that interested in it, but before I could say anything, Lanae butted in with an emphatic yes on my behalf.
I woke up nauseated as usual. After praying at the porcelain goddess for the first time in weeks, I brushed my teeth and took a much needed shower. I think the anxiety of what I had to do today was what made me sick. Standing in front of the mirror naked, I looked down at my swollen abdomen from various angles. If you looked head on or from the back, you couldn’t tell but looking from the side, it was quite apparent that I was about five months pregnant. I poked at my stomach absentmindedly, hoping it would disappear and I could go back to my life, but there was no such luck in the cards for me. I took my time brushing the tangles from my hair and getting dressed in my most effective belly-hiding outfit: jeans and t-shirt. Turning to the side, I lifted the shirt and stared at the bowling ball that I now carried with me everywhere. It still made me sad but Lanae thought I would regret not documenting everything later so against my better judgment, I grabbed her camera off the counter and snapped a picture.
I sat down at the desk in the living room, looking around the apartment that I had come to love and was going to miss dearly. I was returning to the U.S. and leaving this all behind for God knows how long. My last conversation with Vickie had convinced me that it was time to come back. I had been packing up my belongings and shipping them back for the past month. Lanae had freaked out when I first told her what I was doing. We cried about it, laughed at all the memories we had made together and eventually accepted the fact that we weren’t always going to be side-by-side. She knew why I was going back and understood but we both felt like we were parting ways forever which was ridiculous because we were much closer than family. The main reason I was leaving was because of my situation. It was time for me to grow up and become an adult. I’d spent so much time trying to regain my childhood that I missed the actual experience of finding out who I am. I was scared to leave. Lanae had been such a big part of my life for so long; I didn’t know how to truly be without her but I couldn’t use her as a crutch anymore. My aunt was getting older now and I worried that something would happen while I was away. If I didn’t leave now, there would be no way I could pack up and move with a kid.
My phone beeped as reminder that it was almost time to go. Lanae had left over an hour ago and I sat there trying to be positive. Setting up the video camera that Lanae bought me to record the progress of the baby, I decided to use it for my own purposes and said my farewell. Clearing my throat, I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Min-ah. It’s me.. Before you roll your eyes, I am aware that you can see me.. So today’s my last day in Seoul, maybe for good. I don’t even know what to think about that. My flight leaves in about eight hours and just thinking about it kills me. I’m not good at saying goodbye and maybe that’s why I haven’t made an effort to contact you but I hope that you don’t hate me for it. I wish that.. Well, wish in one hand and a shit in the other, right? I just wish that I could talk to you or at least give this message now instead of later to explain why I’ve been such an jerk about things but I can’t. I want you to know that I never meant for things to get so fucked up. I know that doesn’t make sense right now but it’s all I have to offer as far as an explanation. When I think back on how things ended, I feel like a total ass. I know I could have handled it better, done things differently, but I didn’t know what to do at the time. I was so freaked out and I just ran away. If I could go back and do it again.. well I’m not sure things would have ended any differently. If you can get past all this, maybe we can start over and just be friends. I’m not diluted enough to think that you would ever forgive me but I need to hope for this baby’s sake.” I sat for a moment pulling apart the tissue in my hand. I kept them handy most days because I couldn’t control the water works anymore. Hormones are a bitch.
“Changmin, I'm so incredibly sorry.”
It took a few moments before I could calm myself enough to turn off the camera. Packing it in my backpack, I threw on my TVXQ hoodie and headed down to the rental car I was driving to take me to the one person I cared about most in the world and had to leave behind.
The Sejong Center was packed full of fans. I expected no less. They had worked their asses off to gain the kind of success that comes once in a lifetime. It made me feel better about the choice that I made. Knowing that my walking away from all this wasn’t going to be in vain helped me keep my tears in check. I took my seat towards the back of the hall where I wouldn’t be seen. I had avoided all contact with Min and anyone that he knew for the past four months so when I saw him walk on stage in a form-fitting white suit my heart stopped and my stomach did flip-flops. Literally. I guess lil’ B could feel my excitement because s/he was giving me major butterflies. I felt my chest contract painfully when he spoke. He was just as perfect as the last time I laid eyes on him.
The next two hours were passed laughing as the members made fun of each other and played silly games to show who was superior. They were so perfect together. I couldn’t imagine a better group of men. Or a better man to be the father of my child, but that’s neither here-nor-there. The fan games were winding down and everyone began lining up to do the handshake portion of the meeting. I wasn’t going to get in line but that didn’t stop me from finding a spot where I could see Changmin but not be seen. As I watched him smile and interact with the fans, my heart ached to be near him. You have no idea how maddening it is to be so close and feel so far away. Like a chained man with a bucket of clean water just out of his reach. Taunting.
The meeting was over and they stood to say goodbye. Each of their faces was projected on the huge screen above the stage. Their goodbyes were full of excitement about going back to Japan and hoping to return a more mature and better group. I watched Min until he went backstage. Blowing a kiss his direction, I left. When I passed through the doors to the cool night air, I had to take deep breaths to clear my head. Standing next to the car, I placed my hand on the hood and rested my forehead on top. My free hand supported the underside of my belly, patting softly. “I miss him too,” I whispered as a soft push connected with my hand.
“I thought that was you.”
I jumped slightly, looking up at the person on the other side of the car. “..Hi.”
Why does my voice sound so weak? Oh, right, cause he’s giving me a death glare. “Hi?” He laughed sarcastically. Walking around to my side of the car, he practically shouted at me, “That’s all you have to say? He’s called and texted and been patient with you and that’s all you have to say?! I thought after we talked, you would change your mind, give him a second chance, or at the very least, explain yourself, but he got nothing! How can you do this? You came here but you couldn’t even bother to come and say hi to any of us?”
“I-”
“Why are you here?” I could tell this was going to be a one-sided conversation when he cut me off. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wanted to cry the moment I saw them walk on stage but I held it in telling myself it was for the best. The fact that I was actually leaving and that my friend was talking to me like I was the scum of the earth wasn’t good for the already emotional state I was in.
“I can’t believe you! Why are you crying!? Do you think I’m gonna feel sorry for you or something after the shit you did? You really had us going, you know? We thought you were cool, different even, but you turned out to be like the rest of them”
“Jae, I-”
“I don’t want to hear it. You used him and you walked away without a word. And now you have the nerve to cry like you’re some fuckin’ victim. How could you do that to him? To us?”
Why am I letting him talk to me like this? Probably because what he’s saying is true but it’s not the whole truth. I wanted to tell him, just come out and say that it was all a mistake, that I’m pregnant and that I love them. I verbally beat myself into trying to explain my appalling behavior but I couldn’t make the words form sentences. In the end, I said nothing.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him? What you’re still doing to him? When he realized you really weren’t going to talk to him again, he didn’t eat for days. This is Changmin we’re talking about. He cried for weeks. Never in front of us. No, he always went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Drank like a fuckin’ fish and coming from me that’s sayin' somethin’. We knew what he was doing of course but he wouldn’t talk to us. The only person he wanted to talk to was you, but you couldn’t bother to answer a fucking text message.”
I could hear the disdain dripping from his words burning through me like acid on flesh, particularly on the word ‘you’.
“Damn it, don’t you have anything to say for yourself? Please tell me I’m wrong. Just say something.” He begged a response from me.
I could barely look him in the eyes when I spoke.
“I came to say goodbye.. I’m going back to the U.S. and I wanted to see you guys one last time. I didn’t mean to.. I-I wasn’t trying to.. I just..”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to leave without an explanation or anything? Wow.. So this is what it feels like to get completely worked over? Well I hope it was good for you cause it fuckin’ sucks for us.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go. My flight leaves soon.” I turned opening the door to get in the car when I dropped my keys.
“Wait. You’re leaving tonight? You’re serious? You’re just going to leave things like they are, even if it means completely fucking up his world?”
I stood up after picking up my keys, glaring in his direction. If he knew anything, he wouldn’t dare say this shit to me. The face that I met; however, was one of shock and confusion. It was then that I felt a chill and realized that my shirt and jacket had ridden up and gotten stuck over my belly when I bent down. I quickly tugged them back in place but not before he got a thorough look at my mid-section.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself. I felt violated in a way and wouldn’t meet his eyes when he looked up at me.
“Wait. Are you...?”
“I have to go,” I said getting into the car and shutting the door.
“Shevaun, wait!”
Starting the car, I put it in drive and got the hell outta there. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I returned the car to the airport rental place, checked my bags, boarded the flight and took off. I don’t remember what I ordered on the flight or if I slept. I hardly spoke at all and if I did, I had to repeat it several times before the flight attendant could hear me. The plane landed some hours later and I made my way out of customs. Vickie was waiting for me. As soon as she saw my face, she didn’t say a word. She just took my bags and walked toward the car. My aunt has always been more like a mom to me and I felt comfortable telling her everything so naturally she knew the whole situation. Although she was excited about having a great niece or nephew, she kept it to herself out of respect for the complete agony I was in.
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Jae’s P.O.V.
“Holy fuckin’ shit.” I stood there after watching her turn the corner for seconds that turned into minutes. Hearing my name being screamed from various different directions, I realized that I was no longer inconspicuous. Hauling ass back to the hall before I got attacked by the numerous girls running my way, my mind flew threw the events of the past four months.
Security held the back door of the hall open for me to slip through before anyone caught up to me. Walking down the maze-like hallway to our dressing room, I thought about the picture I had just seen. Could it be possible? It could be a trick, but I knew that it wasn’t. No matter what she was, I couldn’t see her faking that. The look of hatred she gave me as I was telling her off, not to mention the fact that she wasn’t even going to say anything about it told me it wasn’t a joke. How the hell did she get pregnant anyway? Weren’t those two idiots using protection? Is the baby even Changmin’s? Does he even know she’s pregnant? What if he found out? What if the baby’s his?
“Hyung? Helloooo.”
I realized someone was waving their hand in my face. Focusing on the person in front of me, I flinched as I recognized Changmin standing about two feet away. “Yea, what?”
“Just making sure you were still with us. You kinda zoned out for a minute.”
“Ah.” I laughed to cover my nervousness. “Changmin-ah, we should go.”
“That’s what I came to tell you. We’re leaving.”
The ride to the airport was quiet for the most part. Aside from Changmin bickering with Junsu and Yunho on the phone as usual, the pauses in conversation gave me an eerie feeling of foreboding. The van pulled to a stop and we got out to gather our baggage. Thankfully, they were letting us use a private entrance. I didn’t want to deal with the screaming, touching and shoving. I don’t remember going through security or getting on the plane, but when I looked around, there I was in my assigned seat still holding my carry-on in my lap. Yunho put his bag in the overhead compartment and took his seat next to me.
“You’re quiet, Jae.”
“Hm?”
“You okay?”
“of course. Yunho, switch seats with Changmin.”
“Why?”
“I just need to talk to him and if he’s not in a confined space he’ll avoid me.”
“Is this about Shevaun again?”
My heart stopped. Did he see her too?
“Jae, give it a rest, will you? She’s not who we thought she was and he’s finally getting back to normal. Well I guess normal for him anyway. Please, don’t bring all this stuff up again.”
“I just want to make sure everything is okay since we’ll be in Japan for a while. If he gets upset, I’ll drop it for good.”
Eyeing me suspiciously, but he finally agreed. “Fine.”
He got up and walked down the aisle. Leaning down close to Changmin, he whispered my request in his ear. Changmin quirked his eyebrow, looking confused before getting up. He made his way over to me carrying his convenience store of a bag and headphones in his hands. I said nothing as he got comfortable in the seat next to me. He stared out the window as we prepared for take-off.
“Changmin-ah,” I whispered, turning to look at him. When he didn’t look at me, I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned the volume up in response. I was becoming rather impatient so I tugged the headphones off his head.
“What?!” He was irritated and I hadn’t even said anything yet.. not a good sign.
“Everything okay?”
“When are you going to stop asking me that?”
“When you stop looking like that.”
“Hyung, this is how my face looks. Get used to it.”
“I’m just checking on you. What’s wrong with that? Can’t a hyung care about his little brother?”
“Not when they are as persistent as you.”
“Listen, there’s something that I need to ask you and I don’t want you to get mad or defensive, okay?”
“What’s it about?”
“You have to promise not to get mad first.”
“People only use that when they know what they are going to say will royally piss off the other person so the answer is no. I can’t promise that I won’t get mad, but I will try to be open-minded.”
“Well I guess that’s as good as I’m gonna get.”
“Spit it out or I’m turning my music back on.”
“I know that you were reluctant to go to Japan this time around, and I know why. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay leaving. We need you to be focused, with your head in the game, ya know? The guys and I have talked and we’re worried that you’re still distracted by this whole Shevaun thing.” His face became blank at the mention of her name. Damn it, this is what Yunho didn’t want. I’m so dead if I don’t fix this. “Min, you know that I love you but I see that it still hurts you. I think that it’s because you refuse to talk about it. Maybe if you talked about her, it wouldn’t hurt so much.”
“I don’t want to talk about her.” His voice was flat and void of emotion.
“C’mon, Minnie. It’s just me. You can tell me anything and I promise it won’t leave this airplane. I just hate to see you so torn up. Don’t close yourself off from us.” He turned back to the window, staring. I sighed, looking straight ahead, waiting for him to turn his music back on. The next sound I heard wasn’t the depressing American music he listens to now, but his own pained voice as he remembered the fiasco four months ago.
“I don’t know what I did to make her leave.” His statement was that of a child but the feeling behind it was of a brokenhearted man. It killed me to hear it. “I thought that we were okay. I should have known better. We had a fight but I thought we had made up and things were going to be okay but she stopped returning my calls or answering my text messages. She wouldn’t even talk to Maika. Management said that she had to quit for personal reasons but that was all they said. No one would give me any answers. I tried going to her apartment but she had moved out already. I regret it now, not trying harder to find her but I was afraid of what she would say. I didn’t want to hear that she didn’t want to see me anymore. I guess that makes me a bit of a coward.”
I had no idea that he had been living with these thoughts for so long. I was ashamed that I hadn’t pressed the issue of him talking to us before now. If he was permanently damaged, I would never forgive myself.
“I thought I loved her. I was gonna officially introduce her to my family as my girlfriend. I feel like such an idiot. I actually thought that she might be the one. Especially after we..”
“After you what?”
“Never mind. I don’t want to talk anymore, okay?”
“Just say it, Min. It’ll hurt less if you just let it go.”
“I don’t want to let it go. If I let it go then I’m afraid I’ll start to forget.”
“Did you sleep with her?” He turned to look at me, shocked that I knew. I could see it in his eyes. He had and now she was pregnant. Fuck! How could she do this to him? Hurt him this way? Then I remembered the look on her face before I spoke to her standing by the car. There was something about her posture and a look in her eyes, lost and broken, they made me think otherwise. She's hurting just as much as he is. So why is she leaving him like this? I turned to wrap him in a hug that I was sure would irritate him on the outside but I knew would comfort him on the inside when I heard the distinctive click of a camera and the over excited demand for autographs from fangirls and then I knew. She left because it would hurt his image as an idol to be unmarried and having a baby. If the fans knew, they would make her life a living hell and they would completely write Changmin off. Maybe she wasn’t who we thought she was, but she was still a lot more than what we thought of her recently. Smiling obligingly, we signed autographs for the fans before they were ushered back to their seats by the flight attendants.
As the plane took off, I was ninety-eight percent certain that life was way more complicated than I ever gave it credit for.
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A/N: Ahhhh! I updated! Waaaaaah! I'm sure some of you are going to be like "WHAT THE F@&#! HOW IS THAT PAYOFF?" Okay, so it's not exactly the payoff you were wanting but the story isn't over yet so give me a little leeway to tell a good story. Things to know.. I can't remember think of much.
On another note, do you like the banner? Ain't it OSM? It was made by my awesome opossum bestie cher_ex3. Love her even if she is a royal pain in my ass.
Anyhow, I can't think of anything else to say so if you have questions just ask. And try to keep the flame throwers to a minimum.
Changmin, I'm sorry.
While I was waiting for Lanae, my phone vibrated in my bag. Opening my inbox, I read Jae’s message quickly.
05:43 p.m. JaeJoong: “why’d you hang up on me? I just wanted to talk to you.. I miss you. ㅜㅜ”
05:46 p.m. Shevaun: “i miss u 2 but it doesnt change things”
05:47 p.m. JaeJoong: “What is going on with you? :/ I’m worried about you.”
05:47 p.m. Shevaun: “nothin”
05:49 p.m. JaeJoong: “Liar. >:l Jiyoung called me about the gifts. Care to explain?”
05:55 p.m. Shevaun: “Is it a crime to buy gifts for friends?”
05:55 p.m. JaeJoong: “Don’t lie to me. Are you pregnant?”
Chewing my nails, my mind raced for what to say.
06:07 p.m. Shevaun: “no & if i were would it really matter? he’d still be an idol & id still be just a backup dancer”
06:07 p.m. JaeJoong: “>.< Of course it matters! It’s a baby.”
06:08 p.m. Shevaun: “well im not. im just a bitch that leads ppl on right?”
Lanae had been a little late picking me up but she made up for it by picking up BBQ on the way home. I was picking through the bag, feeding myself random side dishes when my phone vibrated again. I thought he had given up but I guess I was wrong.
06:25 p.m. JaeJoong: “I don’t believe that. You’re a good person. I want to believe that you have a reason. Why can’t you tell me? I told you my secrets. Don’t you trust me?”
06:27 p.m. Shevaun: “jae theres nothin 2 tell”
06:27 p.m. JaeJoong: “Do you swear?”
06:28 p.m. Shevaun: “yes”
06:30 p.m. JaeJoong: “Well that’s a relief. We’re going back to Japan soon. You should come to the fan meeting we’re holding. It’d be good to see you before we go.”
06:38 p.m. Shevaun: “wouldnt miss it 4 the world”
“Well shit.”
I could see Lanae staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I just shook my head, not wanting to get into it while driving. She would probably get all upset that I lied to Jae and text him behind my back to tell him the truth. I hated lying to him, but if he knew something was up, everything I did would be for naught. He seemed to buy my excuse, but I probably hadn’t seen the last of his busybody. As usual, I had gotten myself into a situation that I did not need to be in. I didn’t need the extra stress per my doctor, but there was nothing I could do about it when they kept calling and texting. Thankfully, no one’s showed up. I would probably be fucked if Jae decided to stop by but he didn’t know where I lived and I doubted he would have time to harass me at work with his schedule.
The next month passed by in a blur. I had to have an ultrasound because I had started spotting blood. It was light and the nurse assured me that a lot of women experience light bleeding during pregnancy, but they wanted to be sure so there I was lying on my back with a glob of cold goo on my stomach while some technician tried to locate a problem. After about ten minutes, she told me everything seemed fine and asked if I would like a picture of the baby to take home. I wasn’t that interested in it, but before I could say anything, Lanae butted in with an emphatic yes on my behalf.
I woke up nauseated as usual. After praying at the porcelain goddess for the first time in weeks, I brushed my teeth and took a much needed shower. I think the anxiety of what I had to do today was what made me sick. Standing in front of the mirror naked, I looked down at my swollen abdomen from various angles. If you looked head on or from the back, you couldn’t tell but looking from the side, it was quite apparent that I was about five months pregnant. I poked at my stomach absentmindedly, hoping it would disappear and I could go back to my life, but there was no such luck in the cards for me. I took my time brushing the tangles from my hair and getting dressed in my most effective belly-hiding outfit: jeans and t-shirt. Turning to the side, I lifted the shirt and stared at the bowling ball that I now carried with me everywhere. It still made me sad but Lanae thought I would regret not documenting everything later so against my better judgment, I grabbed her camera off the counter and snapped a picture.
I sat down at the desk in the living room, looking around the apartment that I had come to love and was going to miss dearly. I was returning to the U.S. and leaving this all behind for God knows how long. My last conversation with Vickie had convinced me that it was time to come back. I had been packing up my belongings and shipping them back for the past month. Lanae had freaked out when I first told her what I was doing. We cried about it, laughed at all the memories we had made together and eventually accepted the fact that we weren’t always going to be side-by-side. She knew why I was going back and understood but we both felt like we were parting ways forever which was ridiculous because we were much closer than family. The main reason I was leaving was because of my situation. It was time for me to grow up and become an adult. I’d spent so much time trying to regain my childhood that I missed the actual experience of finding out who I am. I was scared to leave. Lanae had been such a big part of my life for so long; I didn’t know how to truly be without her but I couldn’t use her as a crutch anymore. My aunt was getting older now and I worried that something would happen while I was away. If I didn’t leave now, there would be no way I could pack up and move with a kid.
My phone beeped as reminder that it was almost time to go. Lanae had left over an hour ago and I sat there trying to be positive. Setting up the video camera that Lanae bought me to record the progress of the baby, I decided to use it for my own purposes and said my farewell. Clearing my throat, I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Min-ah. It’s me.. Before you roll your eyes, I am aware that you can see me.. So today’s my last day in Seoul, maybe for good. I don’t even know what to think about that. My flight leaves in about eight hours and just thinking about it kills me. I’m not good at saying goodbye and maybe that’s why I haven’t made an effort to contact you but I hope that you don’t hate me for it. I wish that.. Well, wish in one hand and a shit in the other, right? I just wish that I could talk to you or at least give this message now instead of later to explain why I’ve been such an jerk about things but I can’t. I want you to know that I never meant for things to get so fucked up. I know that doesn’t make sense right now but it’s all I have to offer as far as an explanation. When I think back on how things ended, I feel like a total ass. I know I could have handled it better, done things differently, but I didn’t know what to do at the time. I was so freaked out and I just ran away. If I could go back and do it again.. well I’m not sure things would have ended any differently. If you can get past all this, maybe we can start over and just be friends. I’m not diluted enough to think that you would ever forgive me but I need to hope for this baby’s sake.” I sat for a moment pulling apart the tissue in my hand. I kept them handy most days because I couldn’t control the water works anymore. Hormones are a bitch.
“Changmin, I'm so incredibly sorry.”
It took a few moments before I could calm myself enough to turn off the camera. Packing it in my backpack, I threw on my TVXQ hoodie and headed down to the rental car I was driving to take me to the one person I cared about most in the world and had to leave behind.
The Sejong Center was packed full of fans. I expected no less. They had worked their asses off to gain the kind of success that comes once in a lifetime. It made me feel better about the choice that I made. Knowing that my walking away from all this wasn’t going to be in vain helped me keep my tears in check. I took my seat towards the back of the hall where I wouldn’t be seen. I had avoided all contact with Min and anyone that he knew for the past four months so when I saw him walk on stage in a form-fitting white suit my heart stopped and my stomach did flip-flops. Literally. I guess lil’ B could feel my excitement because s/he was giving me major butterflies. I felt my chest contract painfully when he spoke. He was just as perfect as the last time I laid eyes on him.
The next two hours were passed laughing as the members made fun of each other and played silly games to show who was superior. They were so perfect together. I couldn’t imagine a better group of men. Or a better man to be the father of my child, but that’s neither here-nor-there. The fan games were winding down and everyone began lining up to do the handshake portion of the meeting. I wasn’t going to get in line but that didn’t stop me from finding a spot where I could see Changmin but not be seen. As I watched him smile and interact with the fans, my heart ached to be near him. You have no idea how maddening it is to be so close and feel so far away. Like a chained man with a bucket of clean water just out of his reach. Taunting.
The meeting was over and they stood to say goodbye. Each of their faces was projected on the huge screen above the stage. Their goodbyes were full of excitement about going back to Japan and hoping to return a more mature and better group. I watched Min until he went backstage. Blowing a kiss his direction, I left. When I passed through the doors to the cool night air, I had to take deep breaths to clear my head. Standing next to the car, I placed my hand on the hood and rested my forehead on top. My free hand supported the underside of my belly, patting softly. “I miss him too,” I whispered as a soft push connected with my hand.
“I thought that was you.”
I jumped slightly, looking up at the person on the other side of the car. “..Hi.”
Why does my voice sound so weak? Oh, right, cause he’s giving me a death glare. “Hi?” He laughed sarcastically. Walking around to my side of the car, he practically shouted at me, “That’s all you have to say? He’s called and texted and been patient with you and that’s all you have to say?! I thought after we talked, you would change your mind, give him a second chance, or at the very least, explain yourself, but he got nothing! How can you do this? You came here but you couldn’t even bother to come and say hi to any of us?”
“I-”
“Why are you here?” I could tell this was going to be a one-sided conversation when he cut me off. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wanted to cry the moment I saw them walk on stage but I held it in telling myself it was for the best. The fact that I was actually leaving and that my friend was talking to me like I was the scum of the earth wasn’t good for the already emotional state I was in.
“I can’t believe you! Why are you crying!? Do you think I’m gonna feel sorry for you or something after the shit you did? You really had us going, you know? We thought you were cool, different even, but you turned out to be like the rest of them”
“Jae, I-”
“I don’t want to hear it. You used him and you walked away without a word. And now you have the nerve to cry like you’re some fuckin’ victim. How could you do that to him? To us?”
Why am I letting him talk to me like this? Probably because what he’s saying is true but it’s not the whole truth. I wanted to tell him, just come out and say that it was all a mistake, that I’m pregnant and that I love them. I verbally beat myself into trying to explain my appalling behavior but I couldn’t make the words form sentences. In the end, I said nothing.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him? What you’re still doing to him? When he realized you really weren’t going to talk to him again, he didn’t eat for days. This is Changmin we’re talking about. He cried for weeks. Never in front of us. No, he always went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. Drank like a fuckin’ fish and coming from me that’s sayin' somethin’. We knew what he was doing of course but he wouldn’t talk to us. The only person he wanted to talk to was you, but you couldn’t bother to answer a fucking text message.”
I could hear the disdain dripping from his words burning through me like acid on flesh, particularly on the word ‘you’.
“Damn it, don’t you have anything to say for yourself? Please tell me I’m wrong. Just say something.” He begged a response from me.
I could barely look him in the eyes when I spoke.
“I came to say goodbye.. I’m going back to the U.S. and I wanted to see you guys one last time. I didn’t mean to.. I-I wasn’t trying to.. I just..”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to leave without an explanation or anything? Wow.. So this is what it feels like to get completely worked over? Well I hope it was good for you cause it fuckin’ sucks for us.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go. My flight leaves soon.” I turned opening the door to get in the car when I dropped my keys.
“Wait. You’re leaving tonight? You’re serious? You’re just going to leave things like they are, even if it means completely fucking up his world?”
I stood up after picking up my keys, glaring in his direction. If he knew anything, he wouldn’t dare say this shit to me. The face that I met; however, was one of shock and confusion. It was then that I felt a chill and realized that my shirt and jacket had ridden up and gotten stuck over my belly when I bent down. I quickly tugged them back in place but not before he got a thorough look at my mid-section.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself. I felt violated in a way and wouldn’t meet his eyes when he looked up at me.
“Wait. Are you...?”
“I have to go,” I said getting into the car and shutting the door.
“Shevaun, wait!”
Starting the car, I put it in drive and got the hell outta there. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I returned the car to the airport rental place, checked my bags, boarded the flight and took off. I don’t remember what I ordered on the flight or if I slept. I hardly spoke at all and if I did, I had to repeat it several times before the flight attendant could hear me. The plane landed some hours later and I made my way out of customs. Vickie was waiting for me. As soon as she saw my face, she didn’t say a word. She just took my bags and walked toward the car. My aunt has always been more like a mom to me and I felt comfortable telling her everything so naturally she knew the whole situation. Although she was excited about having a great niece or nephew, she kept it to herself out of respect for the complete agony I was in.
---------------
Jae’s P.O.V.
“Holy fuckin’ shit.” I stood there after watching her turn the corner for seconds that turned into minutes. Hearing my name being screamed from various different directions, I realized that I was no longer inconspicuous. Hauling ass back to the hall before I got attacked by the numerous girls running my way, my mind flew threw the events of the past four months.
Security held the back door of the hall open for me to slip through before anyone caught up to me. Walking down the maze-like hallway to our dressing room, I thought about the picture I had just seen. Could it be possible? It could be a trick, but I knew that it wasn’t. No matter what she was, I couldn’t see her faking that. The look of hatred she gave me as I was telling her off, not to mention the fact that she wasn’t even going to say anything about it told me it wasn’t a joke. How the hell did she get pregnant anyway? Weren’t those two idiots using protection? Is the baby even Changmin’s? Does he even know she’s pregnant? What if he found out? What if the baby’s his?
“Hyung? Helloooo.”
I realized someone was waving their hand in my face. Focusing on the person in front of me, I flinched as I recognized Changmin standing about two feet away. “Yea, what?”
“Just making sure you were still with us. You kinda zoned out for a minute.”
“Ah.” I laughed to cover my nervousness. “Changmin-ah, we should go.”
“That’s what I came to tell you. We’re leaving.”
The ride to the airport was quiet for the most part. Aside from Changmin bickering with Junsu and Yunho on the phone as usual, the pauses in conversation gave me an eerie feeling of foreboding. The van pulled to a stop and we got out to gather our baggage. Thankfully, they were letting us use a private entrance. I didn’t want to deal with the screaming, touching and shoving. I don’t remember going through security or getting on the plane, but when I looked around, there I was in my assigned seat still holding my carry-on in my lap. Yunho put his bag in the overhead compartment and took his seat next to me.
“You’re quiet, Jae.”
“Hm?”
“You okay?”
“of course. Yunho, switch seats with Changmin.”
“Why?”
“I just need to talk to him and if he’s not in a confined space he’ll avoid me.”
“Is this about Shevaun again?”
My heart stopped. Did he see her too?
“Jae, give it a rest, will you? She’s not who we thought she was and he’s finally getting back to normal. Well I guess normal for him anyway. Please, don’t bring all this stuff up again.”
“I just want to make sure everything is okay since we’ll be in Japan for a while. If he gets upset, I’ll drop it for good.”
Eyeing me suspiciously, but he finally agreed. “Fine.”
He got up and walked down the aisle. Leaning down close to Changmin, he whispered my request in his ear. Changmin quirked his eyebrow, looking confused before getting up. He made his way over to me carrying his convenience store of a bag and headphones in his hands. I said nothing as he got comfortable in the seat next to me. He stared out the window as we prepared for take-off.
“Changmin-ah,” I whispered, turning to look at him. When he didn’t look at me, I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned the volume up in response. I was becoming rather impatient so I tugged the headphones off his head.
“What?!” He was irritated and I hadn’t even said anything yet.. not a good sign.
“Everything okay?”
“When are you going to stop asking me that?”
“When you stop looking like that.”
“Hyung, this is how my face looks. Get used to it.”
“I’m just checking on you. What’s wrong with that? Can’t a hyung care about his little brother?”
“Not when they are as persistent as you.”
“Listen, there’s something that I need to ask you and I don’t want you to get mad or defensive, okay?”
“What’s it about?”
“You have to promise not to get mad first.”
“People only use that when they know what they are going to say will royally piss off the other person so the answer is no. I can’t promise that I won’t get mad, but I will try to be open-minded.”
“Well I guess that’s as good as I’m gonna get.”
“Spit it out or I’m turning my music back on.”
“I know that you were reluctant to go to Japan this time around, and I know why. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay leaving. We need you to be focused, with your head in the game, ya know? The guys and I have talked and we’re worried that you’re still distracted by this whole Shevaun thing.” His face became blank at the mention of her name. Damn it, this is what Yunho didn’t want. I’m so dead if I don’t fix this. “Min, you know that I love you but I see that it still hurts you. I think that it’s because you refuse to talk about it. Maybe if you talked about her, it wouldn’t hurt so much.”
“I don’t want to talk about her.” His voice was flat and void of emotion.
“C’mon, Minnie. It’s just me. You can tell me anything and I promise it won’t leave this airplane. I just hate to see you so torn up. Don’t close yourself off from us.” He turned back to the window, staring. I sighed, looking straight ahead, waiting for him to turn his music back on. The next sound I heard wasn’t the depressing American music he listens to now, but his own pained voice as he remembered the fiasco four months ago.
“I don’t know what I did to make her leave.” His statement was that of a child but the feeling behind it was of a brokenhearted man. It killed me to hear it. “I thought that we were okay. I should have known better. We had a fight but I thought we had made up and things were going to be okay but she stopped returning my calls or answering my text messages. She wouldn’t even talk to Maika. Management said that she had to quit for personal reasons but that was all they said. No one would give me any answers. I tried going to her apartment but she had moved out already. I regret it now, not trying harder to find her but I was afraid of what she would say. I didn’t want to hear that she didn’t want to see me anymore. I guess that makes me a bit of a coward.”
I had no idea that he had been living with these thoughts for so long. I was ashamed that I hadn’t pressed the issue of him talking to us before now. If he was permanently damaged, I would never forgive myself.
“I thought I loved her. I was gonna officially introduce her to my family as my girlfriend. I feel like such an idiot. I actually thought that she might be the one. Especially after we..”
“After you what?”
“Never mind. I don’t want to talk anymore, okay?”
“Just say it, Min. It’ll hurt less if you just let it go.”
“I don’t want to let it go. If I let it go then I’m afraid I’ll start to forget.”
“Did you sleep with her?” He turned to look at me, shocked that I knew. I could see it in his eyes. He had and now she was pregnant. Fuck! How could she do this to him? Hurt him this way? Then I remembered the look on her face before I spoke to her standing by the car. There was something about her posture and a look in her eyes, lost and broken, they made me think otherwise. She's hurting just as much as he is. So why is she leaving him like this? I turned to wrap him in a hug that I was sure would irritate him on the outside but I knew would comfort him on the inside when I heard the distinctive click of a camera and the over excited demand for autographs from fangirls and then I knew. She left because it would hurt his image as an idol to be unmarried and having a baby. If the fans knew, they would make her life a living hell and they would completely write Changmin off. Maybe she wasn’t who we thought she was, but she was still a lot more than what we thought of her recently. Smiling obligingly, we signed autographs for the fans before they were ushered back to their seats by the flight attendants.
As the plane took off, I was ninety-eight percent certain that life was way more complicated than I ever gave it credit for.
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A/N: Ahhhh! I updated! Waaaaaah! I'm sure some of you are going to be like "WHAT THE F@&#! HOW IS THAT PAYOFF?" Okay, so it's not exactly the payoff you were wanting but the story isn't over yet so give me a little leeway to tell a good story. Things to know.. I can't remember think of much.
On another note, do you like the banner? Ain't it OSM? It was made by my awesome opossum bestie cher_ex3. Love her even if she is a royal pain in my ass.
Anyhow, I can't think of anything else to say so if you have questions just ask. And try to keep the flame throwers to a minimum.