wow. my bad guys.
so last week, my relationship of almost 2 years (one month shy) ended. when it happened, i pretended to understand and keep my cool, but underneath i was still as confused as i always am when it happens. this time is different.. that's all i remember.. there will be no turning back. i accepted the terms, and cooly agreed that our time had come.
now, my days are less stressed.. my nights, however, are plagued with uncontrolled dreams, a restless mind, and a burning in my heart that will not concede. i will not allow myself to think of the past 2 years.. only the present. only today.
i remember this feeling. stronger than with the last.. i never want to feel like this again. lost. alone. afraid.
i understand that we are on two different stages of our lives; this winter, i will be graduating, applying to teaching programs, and growing up. sometimes i forget that we are not the same age. i am much more immature than i probably should be, but still knowledgeable on how the world works. i keep my money together, work for all that i have and want, while still accepting the graciousness of my mother in supporting me financially and emotionally. we are opposites. so opposite. but so alike.
can we stay friends? best friends? NO. we cannot. i cannot allow it. i cannot watch someone else be what i cannot; cannot watch you move on, when i feel like i am crawling towards recovery. for me, recovery just means being okay without you. i cannot rush it, cannot fill the tear in my heart with random acts of stupidity, lust, or any other emotion.. besides, i could have never out up with half the crap that happened if we were just friends.
so, for now, i will go on.. stay busy. listen to screamo/emo songs.. and keep my mind constantly thinking. but i cannot help but wonder if this was all a misunderstanding. something that can be undone. i remember the card i sent, promising that i was in it for the long haul. but i guess you weren't. that's fine. but i still am. even if you don't know it. even if you do and don't care. even if no one understands why. i loved being your rock.
so now, i will continue living my life.. smile big, be as sarcastic as ever, convince everyone (including myself) that i am okay.. sometimes, i almost fool myself. my sister constantly urges me to "let it out".. but the trouble is AFTER i let it out, then what. will i feel better.. stronger? probably not. so i'd rather not, for now.
now, my days are less stressed.. my nights, however, are plagued with uncontrolled dreams, a restless mind, and a burning in my heart that will not concede. i will not allow myself to think of the past 2 years.. only the present. only today.
i remember this feeling. stronger than with the last.. i never want to feel like this again. lost. alone. afraid.
i understand that we are on two different stages of our lives; this winter, i will be graduating, applying to teaching programs, and growing up. sometimes i forget that we are not the same age. i am much more immature than i probably should be, but still knowledgeable on how the world works. i keep my money together, work for all that i have and want, while still accepting the graciousness of my mother in supporting me financially and emotionally. we are opposites. so opposite. but so alike.
can we stay friends? best friends? NO. we cannot. i cannot allow it. i cannot watch someone else be what i cannot; cannot watch you move on, when i feel like i am crawling towards recovery. for me, recovery just means being okay without you. i cannot rush it, cannot fill the tear in my heart with random acts of stupidity, lust, or any other emotion.. besides, i could have never out up with half the crap that happened if we were just friends.
so, for now, i will go on.. stay busy. listen to screamo/emo songs.. and keep my mind constantly thinking. but i cannot help but wonder if this was all a misunderstanding. something that can be undone. i remember the card i sent, promising that i was in it for the long haul. but i guess you weren't. that's fine. but i still am. even if you don't know it. even if you do and don't care. even if no one understands why. i loved being your rock.
so now, i will continue living my life.. smile big, be as sarcastic as ever, convince everyone (including myself) that i am okay.. sometimes, i almost fool myself. my sister constantly urges me to "let it out".. but the trouble is AFTER i let it out, then what. will i feel better.. stronger? probably not. so i'd rather not, for now.