I Can't Deal
One of my friends at school, who was seven months pregnant, lost her baby last Saturday. It was a little girl and the doctors think maybe something wasn't right with her in the first place.
I have been trying to deal with it....and find that I just can't very well. People keep telling me that it's normal for me to take it so hard...but I don't see it that way. I mean, it seems stupid for me to mourn as hard as I am when I, myself, have a LIVING daughter.
We went to the funeral on Wednesday. I broke down. In front of her. And I really really wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. Seriously. I mean, what right do I have to be upset like that? HUH? I also got panicky when we were leaving the cemetary. I looked out the back window of the car we took and saw the tiny little casket all by itself...in the cold...with no one there...and I just freaked out. I felt like someone had left my daughter out on the side of a busy highway and left her. I shudder just thinking about it. I mean, if it were me, I don't know that I could have ever left that place.
I just keep thinking all day...what made MY daughter more special than hers? Why, when we weren't trying to get pregnant...and she'd tried for a long time...did my pregnancy end with a living baby and hers didn't? I mean, what justice is this? It's just SICK.
I cry whenever I think about it. I took dinner over to her house last night and she was asking about conferences and didn't appear to be upset. I know she's still got to be dying inside....but I felt even more stupid for crying all the way home.
Anyway...I had to get this out for myself. I had to write it down. And now I sit here in an empty house sick with the flu and I just want to hold my baby. Yet that's not plausible...as I would make her sick...but I'm saddened knowing that I COULD hold my baby if I wanted to...and she still can't.
Life sucks. It's not fair.
I have been trying to deal with it....and find that I just can't very well. People keep telling me that it's normal for me to take it so hard...but I don't see it that way. I mean, it seems stupid for me to mourn as hard as I am when I, myself, have a LIVING daughter.
We went to the funeral on Wednesday. I broke down. In front of her. And I really really wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. Seriously. I mean, what right do I have to be upset like that? HUH? I also got panicky when we were leaving the cemetary. I looked out the back window of the car we took and saw the tiny little casket all by itself...in the cold...with no one there...and I just freaked out. I felt like someone had left my daughter out on the side of a busy highway and left her. I shudder just thinking about it. I mean, if it were me, I don't know that I could have ever left that place.
I just keep thinking all day...what made MY daughter more special than hers? Why, when we weren't trying to get pregnant...and she'd tried for a long time...did my pregnancy end with a living baby and hers didn't? I mean, what justice is this? It's just SICK.
I cry whenever I think about it. I took dinner over to her house last night and she was asking about conferences and didn't appear to be upset. I know she's still got to be dying inside....but I felt even more stupid for crying all the way home.
Anyway...I had to get this out for myself. I had to write it down. And now I sit here in an empty house sick with the flu and I just want to hold my baby. Yet that's not plausible...as I would make her sick...but I'm saddened knowing that I COULD hold my baby if I wanted to...and she still can't.
Life sucks. It's not fair.