Rainy Saturday
It's weird to be off on a Saturday, it's weird being off for most of the week. Necessary under the circumstances unfortunately. I felt a need to be by his side, even when he was pushing me away. Death is something difficult to deal with and everyone handles it different, I guess I am just one who lets it fade to the back of my mind as much as possible. Possibly putting less important and personal things infront of it and constantly and obsessively trying to bring in the occational joke in hopes of a slight chuckle and smile. I dunno.
February is a dark month as I am discovering. Something you can't lie to rest and forget about, they will haunt you forever, no matter what your attempts are. With that being said, that the past is constantly on your trail and impeding your current life, there are so many things that I just want to shout out. I want to scream out all these things that are inside me but I can't. They bubble and brew from this time last year, and years past, and need to escape. However it seems virtually impossible to just let it out. I know that it will come out, in a possibly explosive and violent way, in a manner and time that I don't want it to, but what can I do? I'm not one to talk, especially about things so personal, things that are so important and defining in my life. I know that to broach the subject at all is taking a battering ram to a paper thin sheet of glass and I don't feel like going threw what has turned into the normal run down to again produce no results in my favor. I guess all I want is minority rights?! It would be nice to know that my feelings, thoughs, needs and desires were catalogued, understood and put into motion. How come I can't be in control? Why don't my needs matter?
I feel very alone alot of the time. Which is bad I know, but again, what can I do? Actions speak louder than words, but all I can do is cry. Some problems have only on solution in a given envirnoment, however with two parties there must be an agreement and when one party A is very decisive and party B easily crumbles is the solution plausable?
Why do I go on like this? Talk around it a million ways, not to anyone that it would really matter. Only to upset Gilly and make this house alittle sadder( I know it's not a word) and more uncomfortable for me, it's stupid and a waste. However it made me feel a litte better to get it out I guess. Possible start the never ending game of one day some day when the grass is greener on this side and monkeys really do fly out of asses! Off for a poop and a glass of milk.
More later? If it warrents. Sorry for the spelling errors.
February is a dark month as I am discovering. Something you can't lie to rest and forget about, they will haunt you forever, no matter what your attempts are. With that being said, that the past is constantly on your trail and impeding your current life, there are so many things that I just want to shout out. I want to scream out all these things that are inside me but I can't. They bubble and brew from this time last year, and years past, and need to escape. However it seems virtually impossible to just let it out. I know that it will come out, in a possibly explosive and violent way, in a manner and time that I don't want it to, but what can I do? I'm not one to talk, especially about things so personal, things that are so important and defining in my life. I know that to broach the subject at all is taking a battering ram to a paper thin sheet of glass and I don't feel like going threw what has turned into the normal run down to again produce no results in my favor. I guess all I want is minority rights?! It would be nice to know that my feelings, thoughs, needs and desires were catalogued, understood and put into motion. How come I can't be in control? Why don't my needs matter?
I feel very alone alot of the time. Which is bad I know, but again, what can I do? Actions speak louder than words, but all I can do is cry. Some problems have only on solution in a given envirnoment, however with two parties there must be an agreement and when one party A is very decisive and party B easily crumbles is the solution plausable?
Why do I go on like this? Talk around it a million ways, not to anyone that it would really matter. Only to upset Gilly and make this house alittle sadder( I know it's not a word) and more uncomfortable for me, it's stupid and a waste. However it made me feel a litte better to get it out I guess. Possible start the never ending game of one day some day when the grass is greener on this side and monkeys really do fly out of asses! Off for a poop and a glass of milk.
More later? If it warrents. Sorry for the spelling errors.