[This was written last night-Private]
Dear Clara,
Its late at night, Justin is fast asleep, he has been for hours now, the house is darm and empty. Yet I cant sleep, instead I am writing to you, my husbands former wife. Exactly what brings me to write this, knowing these words never reach the hands of those byond this earth, perhaps you are watching and can read this as I write.
Earlier tonight we were done making love in bed, and he turned to me and said he wanted to tell me something. And the words he spoke were that he sometimes hes glad you passed away, because if you hadnt him and I would never have found each other, and he doesnt want me to go. How do you react to something like that? I know he loves you, I know Im not a replacement for you, I know that he loves us both however he loves us both. And I know that more than likely if he hadnt met you and loved you and married you and had Adam with you he wouldnt be the man he is now, the man I love. And I thank you. I told him that he loved you once, afterall you had a beautiful baby boy with him, and it was okay to love me too. Because nothing can bring you back. Nothing can bring you or Adam or Jake back. All thats left are the memories of you we hold in our hearts, and that has to be enough.
Should I thank you for passing away? Say thank you because that means that I could find the man I love, the man I know Im supposed to be with? Perhaps he's my soul mate, I love to think he is. But maybe you also thought he was yours, and whos wrong then? But I know that without your death he would never have come into my life and without the death of Jake he never would have come into mine. I used to worry when we first got together, when we first thought of marriage that there was no way that he could ever love me like he loved you. Because you were his first, because the two of you had a child together, because you were married for years. How was I to just go and replace that. But then I realized I dont have to replace you, that I dont have to worry about that, because he can love me just as much as he loved you, but its different. We're two different women, loved by the same man.
I wish I could have met you. We would have been great friends I think, your mother said so when we went home for your mass. Perhaps thats what draws him to the two of us. I wish I could tell you all the things I love about Justin, and I know you might say the same things. But sometimes I still have that same feeling he does, what if you were still here. I love him so much, he is what Ive been waiting for my whole life, I know that, I just know. Now my life is complete, now Im wholely me. And I couldnt loose that. And I know hes afraid to loose me, just like he lost you. He doesntt hink he could deal with that kind of loss again, and I know I couldnt either, if I lost him too. Things like that wear so much on your soul. I never want to let him go ever again, I want to see him everyday, hold him, kiss him, love him. I want to have his children, our children.
But perhaps you and Jake brought the two of us together, because you loved us both so much that you wanted us happy. And to be happy we needed each other. Perhaps thats how I can tell that everything is exactly like it should be, everything is right. Him, me, this want for a pregnancy. Its going to be a girl, I can tell. Perhaps even tonight was the night, perhaps thats why Im writing this, because I need to before I open that part of myself for the rest of my life. He said he wouldnt care if it were a boy, but I pray its a girl first, Just because, I dont know. I dont want him to think hes giving Adam up quickly. He is a sweet sweet man and I love him with all my heart.
Thank you clara, for being with him, for loving him, for giving him the family you had together, even though it was for a short time. Im sorry that it ended so soon, but Im glad that you had that, because I know you must love him. And I know that your watching us, making sure we dont make fools of ourselves. Thank you for letting me love him, for letting him love me. For bringing us together and for never letting us get away from each other. You will never be forgotten, we wont let that happen, I promise. Love like that never disappears.
Amanda
Its late at night, Justin is fast asleep, he has been for hours now, the house is darm and empty. Yet I cant sleep, instead I am writing to you, my husbands former wife. Exactly what brings me to write this, knowing these words never reach the hands of those byond this earth, perhaps you are watching and can read this as I write.
Earlier tonight we were done making love in bed, and he turned to me and said he wanted to tell me something. And the words he spoke were that he sometimes hes glad you passed away, because if you hadnt him and I would never have found each other, and he doesnt want me to go. How do you react to something like that? I know he loves you, I know Im not a replacement for you, I know that he loves us both however he loves us both. And I know that more than likely if he hadnt met you and loved you and married you and had Adam with you he wouldnt be the man he is now, the man I love. And I thank you. I told him that he loved you once, afterall you had a beautiful baby boy with him, and it was okay to love me too. Because nothing can bring you back. Nothing can bring you or Adam or Jake back. All thats left are the memories of you we hold in our hearts, and that has to be enough.
Should I thank you for passing away? Say thank you because that means that I could find the man I love, the man I know Im supposed to be with? Perhaps he's my soul mate, I love to think he is. But maybe you also thought he was yours, and whos wrong then? But I know that without your death he would never have come into my life and without the death of Jake he never would have come into mine. I used to worry when we first got together, when we first thought of marriage that there was no way that he could ever love me like he loved you. Because you were his first, because the two of you had a child together, because you were married for years. How was I to just go and replace that. But then I realized I dont have to replace you, that I dont have to worry about that, because he can love me just as much as he loved you, but its different. We're two different women, loved by the same man.
I wish I could have met you. We would have been great friends I think, your mother said so when we went home for your mass. Perhaps thats what draws him to the two of us. I wish I could tell you all the things I love about Justin, and I know you might say the same things. But sometimes I still have that same feeling he does, what if you were still here. I love him so much, he is what Ive been waiting for my whole life, I know that, I just know. Now my life is complete, now Im wholely me. And I couldnt loose that. And I know hes afraid to loose me, just like he lost you. He doesntt hink he could deal with that kind of loss again, and I know I couldnt either, if I lost him too. Things like that wear so much on your soul. I never want to let him go ever again, I want to see him everyday, hold him, kiss him, love him. I want to have his children, our children.
But perhaps you and Jake brought the two of us together, because you loved us both so much that you wanted us happy. And to be happy we needed each other. Perhaps thats how I can tell that everything is exactly like it should be, everything is right. Him, me, this want for a pregnancy. Its going to be a girl, I can tell. Perhaps even tonight was the night, perhaps thats why Im writing this, because I need to before I open that part of myself for the rest of my life. He said he wouldnt care if it were a boy, but I pray its a girl first, Just because, I dont know. I dont want him to think hes giving Adam up quickly. He is a sweet sweet man and I love him with all my heart.
Thank you clara, for being with him, for loving him, for giving him the family you had together, even though it was for a short time. Im sorry that it ended so soon, but Im glad that you had that, because I know you must love him. And I know that your watching us, making sure we dont make fools of ourselves. Thank you for letting me love him, for letting him love me. For bringing us together and for never letting us get away from each other. You will never be forgotten, we wont let that happen, I promise. Love like that never disappears.
Amanda