(no subject)
I woke up an hour ago in pain.. physical pain.. and an hour later I write in emotional pain. Honestly, in the ER today.. since I had 820958245 hours to contemplate things and the hospital depresses me anyway.. I wondered if had 10 years left until my diagnosis. It freaks me out. I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I haven't done half the amazing things she had done. I don't know that I would be strong enough to fight so hard. I don't have the husband and kids to help more.. or her amazing courage and will. I'm not the angel in flesh that she was. I'm an overemotional, sensitive mess... Maybe I push people away because of that.
If I was oversensitive to anyone earlier tonight or I am today.. I'm sorry. I'm hurting in a million different ways and all I want is to be held. And for the first time that's not an easy request to make.
I'm lucky I have friends tomorrow after work to distract me.. but right now I can't even imagine falling back to sleep. Why are some tears cold and refreshing and some so searing on your cheeks? Why do some seem to fall halfway down your face and some seem to course in the longest path possible?
7/15/08 Today is a really hard day. It's one of those days where I could stay in bed and just watch tv so I could have complete distraction.
My grandma died last night. In a way it was a blessing because she was stuck in a bed at a hospice center and had been for 2 years after a stroke. She had really bad bed sores that couldn't heal and was in pain. She was never the kind of person who sat or laid around. She loved to garden, to cook and to be up and about around the house. She was just one of those people I thought would live forever, as dumb as that sounds. But at least now she is with my mom and my grandpa in a place where she feels no pain.
Today is also the 11th anniversary of my mom's death. It's so weird to think it's been 11 years since I've seen her. Dealing with it has gotten easier over time, but it's still hard. I always wonder what life would be like right now if she was still here. I miss her so much.
And on top of it all, its also my grandpa's birthday who died about 7 years ago.
July 14th and 15th are tough days to get through. I have a very heavy heart today.
If I was oversensitive to anyone earlier tonight or I am today.. I'm sorry. I'm hurting in a million different ways and all I want is to be held. And for the first time that's not an easy request to make.
I'm lucky I have friends tomorrow after work to distract me.. but right now I can't even imagine falling back to sleep. Why are some tears cold and refreshing and some so searing on your cheeks? Why do some seem to fall halfway down your face and some seem to course in the longest path possible?
7/15/08 Today is a really hard day. It's one of those days where I could stay in bed and just watch tv so I could have complete distraction.
My grandma died last night. In a way it was a blessing because she was stuck in a bed at a hospice center and had been for 2 years after a stroke. She had really bad bed sores that couldn't heal and was in pain. She was never the kind of person who sat or laid around. She loved to garden, to cook and to be up and about around the house. She was just one of those people I thought would live forever, as dumb as that sounds. But at least now she is with my mom and my grandpa in a place where she feels no pain.
Today is also the 11th anniversary of my mom's death. It's so weird to think it's been 11 years since I've seen her. Dealing with it has gotten easier over time, but it's still hard. I always wonder what life would be like right now if she was still here. I miss her so much.
And on top of it all, its also my grandpa's birthday who died about 7 years ago.
July 14th and 15th are tough days to get through. I have a very heavy heart today.