Violated
It's 1123 now and still no call from David. I feel so violated right now I can't even describe it. I was downstairs hanging out with Christine and the rugby guys, etc... but I decided to come back here about 20 minutes ago. I sit here in silence trying to bring myself to pack, but I just can't do it. I mean, it's fine if he's decided he doesn't want to come see me, but he hasn't called either. It's so goddamn disrespectful. I don't understand it. Why doesn't the guy just break up with me already if he doesn't want to be around me at all... If he doesn't want to talk to me or spend time with me or share what's going on in his life with me!?!?! It hurts me so much. I feel like my insides, all my emotions have been torn away at the root and mutilated. And yet throughout all this, I still have that lingering hope remaining alive in the back of my mind. I think that's what makes it the worst; the fact that I still hold on to him, that I still hold onto what seemed so perfect in the beginning. And what's worse is that all I've gotten from this experience is the continued realization that I've managed to fuck up again. I've managed to give of myself too much once again and I've been fucked over yet again. I wish so badly that I could cry right now. I wish that I was fighting back tears right now, but for some reason I can't even bring myself to do that. Why is it that every time I want to cry I can't? Why is it that I keep putting myself in these situations? It makes me hate myself, makes me hate my life. It makes me consider doing things to myself that I know in the back of my mind I should never consider. I'm in such a sad, dreary place right now, and there's no one to share my pain. Where the fuck are the tears?!?