new and better ways to deal with it

[mands]

I have to ask myself. What is it that I want from this man? I guess the answer is and always will be... everything. I cannot, surely, settle for less. The reason being that I have given him, everything. How can you give a whole and receive half in return? How could a person live like that? I'm starting to imagine and see what a person in that situation does end up like. All the little things... you know what I'm talking about - the words, the actions, the non-words, the non-actions - that slowly erode your confidence and self because they communicate clearly < You are not worth any more than_______ >. You just start to believe it. I feel like I got caught in that trap over the last couple years, accepting less than because I'm worth less. But why am I worth less? Especially to him. I don't understand that. It hurts more than I can say and fills me with anger. The anger stems from the hurt though and it just comes down to that I don't know how to deal with this particular pain. The pain of seeing that you are not number one in the eyes, mind, heart of the person you love. Everybody deserves to be number one to somebody. I really think that. So am I flipped out?? I don't think so. I think the little things make up the whole and the whole makes you who you are. Above all is the motivation of the heart and integrity... being able to be honest with yourself.
I guess maybe I will never become used to being a second wife.