(no subject)
I haven't posted in such a long time that I can't remember when it was. I am not the kind of girl who will breakdown and cry in front of people, even my husband. But I think I've reached the bottom right now. Wherever I go, whatever I do, nothing mean anything anymore.
When has it start to not matter to people wether I'm around or not? When have I become invisible? I could answer that and say over 10 years ago, but I thought everything had changed. I had made new friends, got married, had kids.. Can somebody tell me when things went wrong?
Even my own mother, who swore she would always be there, is not even calling me to get news anymore. Even before Christmas I felt like she was pulling away. I have 2 half-brothers, 12 and 15.. At Christmas I actually had to call her to get to know if she was doing anything as Christmas. Then I was 'nicely' told that I was not welcomed with my kids at New Years Eve. I'm the only one who has young children, my aunts and my Mom have teens. So because I didn't think I could find a babysitter for NYE, she just shrugged and said 'too bad then'.
She told me.. she told me she would always be there. She told me she wasn't seeing my kids enough but she's not making any effort to see them. I'm loaded with work, I need help, I need to breathe. She acknowledged it to me, but not once she has offered to help, or to babysit once in a while. She has in the past. She had proposed to babysit if I really needed. And she told me last year I wasn't asking her enough.
When did things changed?
I think she's just too happy with her quiet little life now. She doesn't want kids around anymore. The problem is, she told me she was happy about having grandchildren. She was there to see them being born. She had babysit my twins when they were babies and she realized she loves babysitting. So she started a day care in 2001. She had so much stuff and toys that it was easy for me to bring the kids there, they were always so happy.
She closed her day care. And she got rid of everything. She also failed to mention that she didn't keep ANYTHING at all. She barely kept a drawer of toys and a rubber bunny for baby. It's not that she had nothing that bugged me, it was that she never told me she got rid of the 5 highchairs she had. 2 of which I am the one who gave her. So at Christmas, my baby ate on my knees, because I wasn't told to bring his highchair. She used to tell me, don't bring anything but diapers and milk. It's not longer the case.
Should I mention all the friends I think I had that happened to not care anymore? No one calls anymore, no one even look at me when I'm standing beside them. So I just leave them all alone. I'm sitting in a corner and I watch what I used to have and I don't anymore.
Thing is, you think internet is fake sometimes. But it's crazy how close to your RL it can be.
I have always been busy. I was in the choral, I was taking voice and instrument lessons. I was going out once a week. And then I would come back, log and RP as much as I could because I needed to relax.
Now I can't go to choral anymore, no time for singing and playing instruments. I'm doing housework all day, cleaning and folding laundry and when I'm doing that I'm usually online. And I am in a chat full of friends, like in RL. I sit there in the corner, just like I do in my RL.
When is it all going to end? I'm not sure. I don't think it will ever end. I'm one of those that you can see right through without even noticing she's there. Sometimes, my friends gives me a smile, however short it is, it feels good.
I smile back and they go back to their conversation.
That is my life. And I gotta live with it. I'm not even expecting for someone to read this. I know everyone took me off their f-list. *shrugs* Such is life apparently..