*and i'm starin' down the barrel of a 45. swimmin thru the ashes of another life, another life*
[there is] no real reason to accept the way, things have changed. starin down the barrel of a 45....
so, i officially have no idea of what i want. i really [thought] i liked travis..but now, i'm not sure. i [thought] we were "talking" and i'm not sure. i really don;t know what the heck is going on. we really don't talk outside of tuesdays. and i hate the fact that he won't just say whether or not there is nay chance of me and him seeing eachother more over summer. if not, i need to know. not only want to know, but need to know..because i think a guy at LB would be easier. really.
so, sorta-kinda-not really worked on the APUSH project tonight. technically we didn't work. we watched a movie. and we're[mikey and i] back to the way we were before i messed things up with him by continuing to date taylor back in like, january. yeah, don't know if i ever told yall that but i'm almost sure i had a chance with mikey. but ehh, maybe we're back to where we were =) that would be nice.
i really need to go to church tomm. i admit i don't wanna get up b/c of all the stress this past week, but i feel like i need to go. just the way things are.
i still have no idea what i want out of life. i mean, generally---college[preferably division 1 with amazing athletics and academics. but we'll see. and then, marriage, 2 kids. large southern plantation and all the sweet simple things in the southern way of life..
but we all run into choices. and i hate choices. just as much as i hate change. i hate the way friends separate after a while of not talking. or the way an ex-bf says friendship is inevitable, and yet, the two of you never speak again. or the way junior year gets so hard and college/graduation is right around the corner. or that scott and i are like family, and we never hang out. but we are considered best friends. i don't know. maybe i'm just one to complain too much. life apparently sucks sometimes.
things i realized today:
let go of the past.-----learn to accept mom as she is, and realize that i can't change her.----get over the freakin "talking" stage and forget the guy i thought i may have liked----learn to understand that the only way to actually plan your future, is to understand that only God knows the plan...i can't sit down and plan out my life word for word, simply because i dont have all the facts of what will happen. so i also learn to just let life happen---and last but not least, i realized that i shouldn't have to accept change..i should be able to stay the way i want to be. and yeah..
that's my day/weekend so far in short. i've been thinking lately..and i think i give up, for now, on a relationship..later <3 Emma