(no subject)
So, the last couple of months have really opened my eyes. Mostly, I've learned that most of the people I've counted as my close friends are... well, not. It really hurts me to realize that, but I guess I've known that subconsciously anyway.
It just hurts, ya know? There are so many instances where I have dropped everything in my life to be there for these girls, so many times I have supported them when no one else would, so many times I've been there to just listen and not judge them no matter what.
I guess I had just assumed that if I ever needed them, they would return the favor. I was wrong. I guess I thought that if I was a loyal, kind and understanding person, then people would treat me the same. I was wrong again.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I've been used like this many times in the past, it's just that I thought I had finally found a real close group of friends, a family like I've always wanted and never had.
Nope. I guess it's not all bad though.
I'm spending a lot of time on school work, although I'm feeling so depressed and dissociated I'm not doing all that well in my classes.
I'm learning what I like about myself, although thats not much.
I'm learning how to be alone. I hate being alone more than anything, it makes me anxious and upset and I just want to cry and scream. I don't like being trapped with my thoughts, I get myself all worked up. But I'm going to learn how to deal with all that. I'm going to learn how to be alone, how to rely on only myself and how to be comfortable in my own skin.
It's obvious that any connections that I thought I had made (with the exception of maybe 2 people) were very superficial, and that my friends were only selfishly attached to me.
I wish I had a family. I desperately want to have people in my life who would always love me no matter what, always support me. I do that for other people, I don't understand why I will never have it reciprocated.
It just hurts, ya know? There are so many instances where I have dropped everything in my life to be there for these girls, so many times I have supported them when no one else would, so many times I've been there to just listen and not judge them no matter what.
I guess I had just assumed that if I ever needed them, they would return the favor. I was wrong. I guess I thought that if I was a loyal, kind and understanding person, then people would treat me the same. I was wrong again.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I've been used like this many times in the past, it's just that I thought I had finally found a real close group of friends, a family like I've always wanted and never had.
Nope. I guess it's not all bad though.
I'm spending a lot of time on school work, although I'm feeling so depressed and dissociated I'm not doing all that well in my classes.
I'm learning what I like about myself, although thats not much.
I'm learning how to be alone. I hate being alone more than anything, it makes me anxious and upset and I just want to cry and scream. I don't like being trapped with my thoughts, I get myself all worked up. But I'm going to learn how to deal with all that. I'm going to learn how to be alone, how to rely on only myself and how to be comfortable in my own skin.
It's obvious that any connections that I thought I had made (with the exception of maybe 2 people) were very superficial, and that my friends were only selfishly attached to me.
I wish I had a family. I desperately want to have people in my life who would always love me no matter what, always support me. I do that for other people, I don't understand why I will never have it reciprocated.