(no subject)
Wow. Its been so so long. I guess I just need something to put my feelings down, I'm sick of living with everything in my head. No one will see this, I feel safe righting things, or at least most things in here. I never realized how therapeutic this is. Looking back on the things I've written 3 or more years ago really shocks me. I don't know if its good or bad, but its very eye opening, even if to show me how wrong I was about so many things. I never have any time to myself, which is a shame because I feel I could write in this little white box for hours.
So many things have changed. So many things have become so different, and I'm struggling with myself on whether or not I like it. I don't know if I do. I don't know why I've made certain choices, and why I've done things to certain people in my life. I can't change anything, and for so long I always thought I could. I'm just not coming to the realization that this is it, this is what IVE done, and now I have to deal with it all by myself. Every single emotion, I cant change it and I hate that more than anything. Maybe I need to feel this way. Maybe this is what I finally deserve. I'm not claiming to be a bad person. I don't think I rank up there with murders and rapists, but I hurt one of the most important people in my life and now that they're gone, I just don't know how to deal with it. I destroyed somebody emotionally, so I guess its only fair that this happens to me, that I was graced with waking up one day saying what the fuck, why? I don't know why, but I still feel like I can't write down certain things in here, like someday someone will see it and say something, somebody will be hurt by it. Maybe one day I can say how I feel, but for now I'm just glad I'm getting the courage to just put something down, make it concrete and get it out of my mind if only for a few minutes.
I've been having dreams lately, and I guess it stemmed from someone else telling me they were having them too. But I've been waking up every morning in a lie. I wake up and its not the way I want it to be. I don't want to be where I am and who I'm with. I want it to be like my dreams. And thats scaring me so much because I've already been dealing with these emotions and of course now I"m feeling them first thing when I open my eyes. The first few were just so random, so weird and I brushed them off. But last night freaked me out. I was nowhere, yet I was everywhere at the same time, with the same person, and we were doing absoultely nothing, just driving around, sitting on the hood of his car. And after what felt like days in my dream, we touched each other. And it wasn't even sexual. It was just exploring every part, the parts that people so often forget to touch, like the arms, and the hands, and the cheeks and it was the most exciting feeling I can remember ever having in a dream. It was like my touching him was the last greatest thing on earth and I couldn't go another second without just brushing my hand against his collar bone. It was like I waited for years to just feel him, and when I did it was the only thing I ever remember wanting to do. It sounds so much less than what it felt like, but I can't describe it any better. Of course it turned into other things, but just the immediate need to feel his skin against mine, my hand on his cheek, was the like the greatest force. How do you explain that? How do you tell the person you're actually with that you dreamed of someone else and it was such a passionate dream that you didn't even need to have any sexual contact, just touching their hand made you melt? How do you wake up next to the person who told you "sweet dreams, dream of me and happy things" that you dreamed of someone else, that you didn't mind really cause that's the only place you can have him so you'll take it, that you woke up wishing it was real.
For so long, I keep making myself believe I can change certain things that I'm feeling. I can't, I have no idea how to make myself stop loving someone, or start loving someone, or make myself feel like the way someone thinks I should. How should I feel? Am I supposed to feel a certain way, is there some book that says I have to feel this and I have to love this person? Who makes up these rules, and why is it that when they are "broken" and feelings change that its always, always, always that persons fault, like they had any control over the things they are feeling, like saying one thing will really make them feel that one thing. I've been trying to change certain things that I feel for too long now, and I guess its just caught up with me. I get to feel everything all at once and its over load, I can't do it. Its too much. How do you love two people at the same time is what I really want to know. Even though they are completely different types of love, because you never love the same twice, its always different. You take certain things from one, and things are twisted around and manipulated and things feel different the second time. One is a lose all your senses, uninhibited, passionate, erratic, horrifying love, and the other can be so plain, not to say its boring, but just plain, good, satisfying, comfortable love. Which are you supposed to choose? How do you tell someone you love that you love someone else, maybe more than them? How do you know who you love more? And when you do know, does that mean your a bad person?
I'm driving myself crazy. I want to just sit down with someone, even if I have to pay them 100 dollars an hour to listen to me talk. But mostly, I think I want to do that because I don't want to be the reason I hurt someone. I want someone to tell me to do it, to persuade me that what I'm feeling is okay and right and I have the right to feel this. That I can change my mind, that I can try like hell to make myself happy, even if I hurt other people.
I keep saying I don't know what I want, but I know exactly what I want. I'm just too god damned scared to say it.
So many things have changed. So many things have become so different, and I'm struggling with myself on whether or not I like it. I don't know if I do. I don't know why I've made certain choices, and why I've done things to certain people in my life. I can't change anything, and for so long I always thought I could. I'm just not coming to the realization that this is it, this is what IVE done, and now I have to deal with it all by myself. Every single emotion, I cant change it and I hate that more than anything. Maybe I need to feel this way. Maybe this is what I finally deserve. I'm not claiming to be a bad person. I don't think I rank up there with murders and rapists, but I hurt one of the most important people in my life and now that they're gone, I just don't know how to deal with it. I destroyed somebody emotionally, so I guess its only fair that this happens to me, that I was graced with waking up one day saying what the fuck, why? I don't know why, but I still feel like I can't write down certain things in here, like someday someone will see it and say something, somebody will be hurt by it. Maybe one day I can say how I feel, but for now I'm just glad I'm getting the courage to just put something down, make it concrete and get it out of my mind if only for a few minutes.
I've been having dreams lately, and I guess it stemmed from someone else telling me they were having them too. But I've been waking up every morning in a lie. I wake up and its not the way I want it to be. I don't want to be where I am and who I'm with. I want it to be like my dreams. And thats scaring me so much because I've already been dealing with these emotions and of course now I"m feeling them first thing when I open my eyes. The first few were just so random, so weird and I brushed them off. But last night freaked me out. I was nowhere, yet I was everywhere at the same time, with the same person, and we were doing absoultely nothing, just driving around, sitting on the hood of his car. And after what felt like days in my dream, we touched each other. And it wasn't even sexual. It was just exploring every part, the parts that people so often forget to touch, like the arms, and the hands, and the cheeks and it was the most exciting feeling I can remember ever having in a dream. It was like my touching him was the last greatest thing on earth and I couldn't go another second without just brushing my hand against his collar bone. It was like I waited for years to just feel him, and when I did it was the only thing I ever remember wanting to do. It sounds so much less than what it felt like, but I can't describe it any better. Of course it turned into other things, but just the immediate need to feel his skin against mine, my hand on his cheek, was the like the greatest force. How do you explain that? How do you tell the person you're actually with that you dreamed of someone else and it was such a passionate dream that you didn't even need to have any sexual contact, just touching their hand made you melt? How do you wake up next to the person who told you "sweet dreams, dream of me and happy things" that you dreamed of someone else, that you didn't mind really cause that's the only place you can have him so you'll take it, that you woke up wishing it was real.
For so long, I keep making myself believe I can change certain things that I'm feeling. I can't, I have no idea how to make myself stop loving someone, or start loving someone, or make myself feel like the way someone thinks I should. How should I feel? Am I supposed to feel a certain way, is there some book that says I have to feel this and I have to love this person? Who makes up these rules, and why is it that when they are "broken" and feelings change that its always, always, always that persons fault, like they had any control over the things they are feeling, like saying one thing will really make them feel that one thing. I've been trying to change certain things that I feel for too long now, and I guess its just caught up with me. I get to feel everything all at once and its over load, I can't do it. Its too much. How do you love two people at the same time is what I really want to know. Even though they are completely different types of love, because you never love the same twice, its always different. You take certain things from one, and things are twisted around and manipulated and things feel different the second time. One is a lose all your senses, uninhibited, passionate, erratic, horrifying love, and the other can be so plain, not to say its boring, but just plain, good, satisfying, comfortable love. Which are you supposed to choose? How do you tell someone you love that you love someone else, maybe more than them? How do you know who you love more? And when you do know, does that mean your a bad person?
I'm driving myself crazy. I want to just sit down with someone, even if I have to pay them 100 dollars an hour to listen to me talk. But mostly, I think I want to do that because I don't want to be the reason I hurt someone. I want someone to tell me to do it, to persuade me that what I'm feeling is okay and right and I have the right to feel this. That I can change my mind, that I can try like hell to make myself happy, even if I hurt other people.
I keep saying I don't know what I want, but I know exactly what I want. I'm just too god damned scared to say it.