(no subject)
Well maybe I should start writing in this again. By the time im done though, it will most likely be private because I know Im gonna go off on a rampage. I usually do. Thats why maybe 2 out of 10 arent private.
HA now I dont even know what to write about. I have so much on my mind yet it doesnt wanna come out. I used to jot everything on my mind onto post it notes. It worked for a while, and now Im back to bottling it all up because its just easier. And I always take the easy way out.
Anyways. I got a 79 on my research paper. The grades ranged from 41-79. I was shocked. I really thought I deserved a higher grade, but at least I got the highest grade that was given. It still seems like its wrong though. College. Thats whats on my mind. I have no idea what to do anymore. I seriously feel like giving up and taking a year off and just not giving a fuck. But I wont do that. I always say stupid stuff like that. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I cant stay here. I have to get out because if I dont do it now, I never will. I have nothing here anymore. I have a job. Thats the only reason why I wouldnt want to pack up and leave.
The only person that made me think I had a reason to be here messed everything up. Again. I need someone in my life that can be completely honest with me and that doesnt put me second or expect me to stay with them after THEY screw up 5 times. I dont understand how you can honestly love someone, yet lie to their face.
So now basically Im trying to decide if I should stay here and go to school at occc or if I should go to MA. Or FL. Nobody understands why this is so hard for me to do. I guess I really dont even understand why I cant make up my mind. Its just not easy. Its not easy leaving things behind. Its not easy trying to start over. Its not easy even deciding where to go. No matter where I go, Im going to end up hurting someones feelings. Im so sick of worrying about how other people feel. I never stop to think about how I feel. Im sick of caring so much about other people. I never look out for myself. I never take time to sit back and think about what I need. Im tired of not being selfish. I wish I could just develop an I dont give a shit attitude. I dont know. I guess MA really is the best choice for me. Yeah I could stay here, but I cant mentally be here anymore. Im sick of the people around me. Im sick of the things that people do. I need to look out for myself, and Ive never done that before. I dont know where to even start.
I really want to go to FL. If my grandma never offered for me to go up there, I would be in FL right now without any questions. Now that Im thinking about it more, I really dont know if thats what I should be doing. For a couple reasons. Not just that my grandpa isnt someone I should technically be around, but for another reason that I dont really feel like talking about because thats a whole new subject Im not mentally able to get into right now. I need fresh air. I need sun. I need to go somewhere that isnt so rushy. I need to be somewhere where I can work on myself, and better myself. I still have no idea where that is.
HA now I dont even know what to write about. I have so much on my mind yet it doesnt wanna come out. I used to jot everything on my mind onto post it notes. It worked for a while, and now Im back to bottling it all up because its just easier. And I always take the easy way out.
Anyways. I got a 79 on my research paper. The grades ranged from 41-79. I was shocked. I really thought I deserved a higher grade, but at least I got the highest grade that was given. It still seems like its wrong though. College. Thats whats on my mind. I have no idea what to do anymore. I seriously feel like giving up and taking a year off and just not giving a fuck. But I wont do that. I always say stupid stuff like that. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I cant stay here. I have to get out because if I dont do it now, I never will. I have nothing here anymore. I have a job. Thats the only reason why I wouldnt want to pack up and leave.
The only person that made me think I had a reason to be here messed everything up. Again. I need someone in my life that can be completely honest with me and that doesnt put me second or expect me to stay with them after THEY screw up 5 times. I dont understand how you can honestly love someone, yet lie to their face.
So now basically Im trying to decide if I should stay here and go to school at occc or if I should go to MA. Or FL. Nobody understands why this is so hard for me to do. I guess I really dont even understand why I cant make up my mind. Its just not easy. Its not easy leaving things behind. Its not easy trying to start over. Its not easy even deciding where to go. No matter where I go, Im going to end up hurting someones feelings. Im so sick of worrying about how other people feel. I never stop to think about how I feel. Im sick of caring so much about other people. I never look out for myself. I never take time to sit back and think about what I need. Im tired of not being selfish. I wish I could just develop an I dont give a shit attitude. I dont know. I guess MA really is the best choice for me. Yeah I could stay here, but I cant mentally be here anymore. Im sick of the people around me. Im sick of the things that people do. I need to look out for myself, and Ive never done that before. I dont know where to even start.
I really want to go to FL. If my grandma never offered for me to go up there, I would be in FL right now without any questions. Now that Im thinking about it more, I really dont know if thats what I should be doing. For a couple reasons. Not just that my grandpa isnt someone I should technically be around, but for another reason that I dont really feel like talking about because thats a whole new subject Im not mentally able to get into right now. I need fresh air. I need sun. I need to go somewhere that isnt so rushy. I need to be somewhere where I can work on myself, and better myself. I still have no idea where that is.