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As Kendall sat knee deep in freezing cold mud, watching large rats skitter back in forth through the trough, he thanked his lucky stars that his lover was back home; safe and sound.
When Kendall had enlisted, he'd been under the impression - and so had his fellow soldiers - that this war would all blow over by Christmas time and Kendall would be home with Logan to celebrate the holiday.
Sadly, that had been anything but the case at hand. In fact, it had been a three years now and the war pushed on with no sign of finality. Kendall had to also thank his lucky stars that he'd made it this far; this war was madness. Complete and utter madness, and Kendall figured if he made it out this alive, the memory of his time here would stay with him the rest of his life.
He could barely even remember his life before all this. Kendall could barely recall his beloved's voice. Only faint images of those warm chocolate eyes and that sweet little grin haunted Kendall's memory in the latest hours of the night. He ached to see and hear his love again, listen to that beautiful southern croon that now seemed like it was from another lifetime.
Kendall's lover had been exempted from battle, after at a young age where he'd contracted a, at the time, rampant disease that took his hearing. Kendall had never been so pleased for his lover's disability that kept him safe at home and away from this hell.
With shaky numb fingers, Kendall reached into his breast pocket, pulling out a circular steel metal. It was plain, but held the same glimmer as the day Kendall and Logan had bought it and the identical one, to which he knew still adorned his lover's slim finger.
It was hard to keep his secret. To not tell his fellow soldiers about the love of his life as they told tales of their wives and children back home, their voices so full of anxiousness and urgency, wanting nothing more to see them again. Kendall wanted to unload his deepest desires on his comrades as well but knew it wasn't safe. His kind was not safe in their society, Kendall and Logan had only shared their affections in the sanctity of their home. When he'd been asked about anyone back home, Kendall had simply stated what he'd practised to say, "my parents, siblings." He'd always finished with a shrug and when his comrades would tease him about keeping a secret girlfriend from them; Kendall grinned and said nothing.
Sure he could lie about Logan, say he did have a girlfriend back home, but he could never lie about his love; and he'd never want subject Logan or himself to societies ignorance.
But now in the depths of this putrid smelling, infested hole in the ground, Kendall quaked with utter need to shout and cry of Logan. To cry over the explosion and gunshot his deepest desires. He wanted to shout so loud Logan would be able to hear him, thousands of miles away, hear him declare how much Kendall loved and missed him.
He needed him to know, something tangible to let his love know he was still here and that he loved him so much. The two had been unable to exchange letters, it was too risky and Kendall was quite positive any letters sent home went through screening by the government before they were sent to soldiers' loved ones.
So they'd have no idea what they're soldiers were going through.
But Kendall knew his beloved was smarter than that. Logan knew long before anyone that this war would last longer than to Christmas time. Kendall had only laughed at his words and made to kiss his loves concerns away.
"I'll be back in no time baby." He'd always assured, pulling the brunet into his arms.
He'd been so wrong, they'd all been so wrong, and part of Kendall wished his lover was not so smart and could live blissfully oblivious to the hell their soldiers were going through like the rest of society back home.
But Logan was always the smartest, the brightest, standing out in a crowed of the common. It was what made Kendall fall in love with the boy. At the peak of their teen years Kendall had come across the small brunet in the local foods market. It was the mid-summer and Kendall was on a grocery run for his mother who had handed him a long grocery list that he'd begrudgingly accepted before stepping out of the house.
Logan had been feeling around in the produce, identifying the ripest fruits worth picking. Kendall had approached the brunet from behind, laying a hand on his shoulder that scared the smaller boy out of his wits. Logan had dropped the fruit and the salesman began shouting at him, to which, Kendall was surprised, Logan ignored.
He'd later found out Logan had not been ignoring the salesman, he'd just could not hear him. Logan had mentioned he was particularly good at reading lips - and that's why he'd been able to understand Kendall's prior apology and greeting - but that old salesman had been talking in such a rapid harsh tone Logan could not catch anything that passed his lips. But that partial grin on the brunets face indicated that maybe, he could understand the old man a little bit, and had chosen to ignore what he heard.
Either way, Kendall had apologized for Logan, explaining to the old man that it was his fault for startling the brunet, before paying for the bruised fruit himself.
Walking away later on with Logan, Kendall found out the small boy had just moved towns with his family and was sizing up the new town, getting a feel for the local attractions. After Kendall decided to show Logan the town himself, to which Logan had shyly agreed to with to, the two had become quick friends and not too much later, lovers.
They never spoke of it in public, remaining in close proximity but also keeping to themselves as they walked about the town. But behind closed doors neither even tried to hide their desire for the other. Kendall had to have his hands all over the small brunet the moment they closed themselves off from the rest of the world, and Logan was more than happy to comply.
The couple had decided to move in together once they'd both turned twenty. Telling their parents that they worked together and it was much easier for them to go about their lives as co-workers along the same work hours, not disturbing their family with the early morning commute and late night returns.
Just after Kendall's twenty-second birthday, the talk of war spread throughout the town. They'd heard larger cities had already drafted many of enthusiastic young men ready to fight for their country, and Kendall had fallen into the madness. Logan, as intelligent as he was, remained sceptic of the entire thing and was reluctant to allow Kendall to go fight for their country. But the blond was stubborn and adamant, and soon the two were saying goodbye.
Now Kendall cursed the heavens, the country, and himself for falling for such lies, ripping him away from the only thing he truly cared about...
He took in shaky breath as more gunshots echoed above him, behind him and over him. Kendall pressed his rifle to his chest, against his unsteady heartbeat. Slowly lifting to his feet, he kept his head low and cocked his gun, whispering heavily under his breath. Shots continued to ring above him as he turned around and lifted the rifle over the mouth of the trench.
He only wished he'd listened to his love.