Gender and Sex - Chapter 6
"You're kidding me."
"But I'm not James."
"I have to agree with James, Kendall...it might be too soon, you know?"
A frustrated sigh. "It's not too soon, it's a lot easier than explaining it...in words."
James regarded his tall blond friend for a moment. Kendall stood rod straight, hands comfortably loose at his side. He was determined, believed what he wanted to do was the absolute best thing he could come up with.
In other words, he wouldn't be swayed.
James sighed, "alright, I'm in, but if this falls through - it's all you Kendall." The blond only waved his hand in disregard, turning to their Latino friend.
The pressure was on for Carlos, as his eyes darted back and forth between the taller the boys, Carlos cringed, backing away.
"C'mon Carlos..." Kendall egged him on, pushing for an answer. James watched with little interest, it was only a matter of time...
"Okay, fine, I'm in!" Bingo.
Kendall smiled proudly, clapping his hands together. "Let's get going."
With that, the blond lead his two friends out of the shared bedroom, missing the look of concern shared between the Latino and Pretty Boy.
Logan sat beside Katie on the orange living-room couch, he was twiddling his thumbs for the lack of a better term, slumped back into the cushions.
He continued to ignore the sidelong glances the young girl threw at him every so often. There was no way Logan was going to bring up his problems with a ten year old girl - he was sticking to his guns on that promise he'd made to himself.
Katie was a child, and a part of Logan felt she was the little sister he never had, therefore he'd always been a little protective of her.
Logan couldn't help the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach, maybe someday he'd be able to take her shopping with him - or her. Pronouns were one of Logan's more sensitive subjects. The only time he'd referred to himself as a girl were blatant attacjs on his person and even then he had found the idea laughable.
But the flutter remained. Taking Katie to the mall, shopping for girl clothes; tank-tops and skirts and...bras. He felt the warmth flow into his face, undoubtedly turning his cheeks a bright red, and Katie seemed to notice as well.
"What's got you all flustered?"
"Nothing Katie, just watch your show." However Logan knew his sad attempt to persuade the girl from prying any further was useless.
"C'mon, tell me." Katie poked at his arm, attention shifted completely from the television. Logan groaned and rolled away from the touch, onto the floor where he picked himself up and left for the bathroom.
Mrs. Knight was in her own room, Kendall had mentioned something about her not getting her eight hours of sleep. His friends were apparently at the mall, he'd seen them venture out early that morning and was left and little confused and a little miffed after the door slammed shut behind them.
After the turn of events yesterday, Logan's relationship with his friends was wearing thin. Despite Kendall's warning about waking his Mother, no more than two words had been exchanged between Logan and the other three, and that's when he found himself slumped against the couch for the better part of the afternoon watching television with Katie.
But even young Katie Knight liked to pry, so Logan exited the main room and slipped inside the bathroom. He needed to shower before vocal rehearsals tomorrow and before telling Gustavo.
Pushing the thought into the back of his mind, Logan slipped off his clothing and stepped into the tub. Adjusting the temperature to his liking he turned the lever and sighed as the water cascaded down his back.
The glass slowly began to fog up and Logan soon could no longer see his reflection in the glass. Hesitantly he brought his right hand to his stomach and drug it down to his pelvis. He stopped just before his sex, letting out a shaky breath.
He'd masturbated before, but the experience hadn't been entirely pleasant. The pleasure was their, physically, but emotionally he felt himself falling apart in the moment. It was confusing, terrifying and quite uncomfortable - everything masturbation wouldn't usually be for anyone. But he had done it, and beyond that experience, the times afterwards had been scarce and far-spread.
Logan carried his hands up from his pelvis up to his chest. Now Logan wasn't entirely sure how he felt about...breasts. The word alone still felt like taboo but Logan knew somewhere in the back of his mind, that he did desire them, but he still feared the reality of it all - especially in the physical sense.
A knock at the door interrupted his reverie and Logan nearly slipped as he swung his hand away from his chest. Ripping back the curtain, Logan turned off the water and slipped out of the shower.
"Who is it?" he shouted, a little peeved. He hadn't time to actually shower and now was wet and dirty.
"Logan can you come out? Me and the guys need to speak to you." It was Kendall. Logan sighed, slipping back on his clothes, uncomfortable with going out in a towel before his friends, especially since they now knew.
He stepped out of the bathroom, tendrils of steam seeping out behind him. Turning to his friends, Logan raised an eyebrow as they all stood before him, Carlos with his arms behind his back. He noticed Katie had left the room, probably now down by the pool. Eyeing his friends, Logan figured they had something to do with her disappearance.
In full - they looked guilty.
"What did you guys do?" Logan spoke tentatively, still unsure of where their friendship now lay.
James and Kendall smiled, but Carlos continued to look guilty.
"We got you a little something, that we think you'll like." James answered, gesturing to the nervous Latino, "Carlos?"
Pulling the item from behind his back, Carlos brought forward the..gift bag? He slowly handed Logan the bag, stepping back in line with his other friends.
"We hope you like it." Carlos mumbled, biting his lower-lip, James and Kendall continued to smile.
Logan carefully opened the gift bag, expecting a smoothie-bomb to go off in his face, peeking inside the bag Logan laid on eyes on his gift.
And it was something much worse.
He reached in to pull the item out, hoping his eyes were deceiving him. But alas, as the object spilled free from the bag Logan's eyes rested upon possibly the worse thing he could possibly receive.
A dress, a girly, pink dress.
It had ruffles and bows and sparkles and...Logan couldn't believe his friends. He glanced between the dress and his friend a few times, their expressions changed as they recognized the look of horror on Logan's face.
"You...do you like it?" Kendall asked.
Logan glanced up at the blond once more, and the tears began to fall. His vision blurred so quickly Logan could barely see as his friends rushed to his side, bombarding him with questions riddled with concern.
"Logan, Logan pl-"
"Are you jackasses insane!" Logan blew up, he was livid and hurt and everything else horrible he'd thought his friends would never make him feel. He was embarrassed, shocked, heartbroken and confused.Why would they?
Logan ripped free from their grips and charged back into the bathroom, whipping the dress at Carlos' face, being the closest target. He locked the door behind him and slid down against the door, a strong sense of deja vu taking over. How many times am I going to have to deal with this shit? A chorus of knocking and pleading started from the other side of the door, but Logan only rolled his eyes and shifted to one of end of the wall.
"Logan, we're sorry, but we'd thought this would be something you wanted!" Logan grew livid.
"Something I wanted? Kendall, you guys are basically making fun of me!" he shouted, "all I need was for you guys to understand - that's all!"
"Logan we do understand! That's why we bought the dress, we -"
"Then you don't understand at all! You're making a joke of it, of me!" He stood up and turned around, ripping the door opened; his friends just managing to catch themselves before they fell forward.
"All I needed was for my best friends to support me." He mumbled, voice rough, broken. For the first time Logan was truly seeing into the large void that had begun to eat away at his friendship. He felt partly at fault for it, hiding such a life-changing secret from his dearest friends. They were only kids and even Logan living within his situation his entire life was still grasping the fully comprehend what was happening to him. Could he really fault his friends for not immediately understanding?
Each boy before him bore nervous expression as they waited for their genius friend to blow up in their faces. Time to backtrack Logan, remember, be you, be confident and all will fall into place. He took in a deep breath.
"Take that thing back to the store and we'll try this again." Immediately his short Latino friend rushed from the bathroom a crinkling of plastic shortly followed before the front door slammed shut. Logan turned to his remaining friends at the bathroom door. They all eyed each other for moment before Logan silently pushed past them making his way to his shared bedroom.
The taller boys glanced between one another for moment before following after the short brunet, joining him in the bedroom. Logan, standing by the entrance, shut the door behind them as they entered. Once all comfortably seated around the room, Logan plopped down onto his bed, across from Kendall and adjacent to James sitting on his bedside table.
Logan silently wished the Latino boy had stuck around to listen as well but he preferred to never come in visual contact with the article of clothing ever again. He took in another deep breath and sighed heavily.
"Get Carlos on speakerphone, I'm not repeating what I'm about to tell you." James silently complied, pulling his phone from his back pocket and dialling the Latino's number.
"Carlos? Yeah, just hold your phone to your ear - no! Don't put it on speakerphone. Okay." James nodded at Logan to go ahead and the smaller brunet sighed nervously.
"...When I was younger I told my parents I was a girl." He shrugged at their stunned expressions, " I had no idea what I said entailed at the time, but my parents seemed to get it." He looked up at Kendall.
"So my Father signed me up for Hockey."
"Which is where you met us-" James was quickly 'shushed' by Kendall. Logan rolled his eyes, "yes, obviously."
"He thought it would get the 'girl thing' out my system, and when I saw how serious my parents took my words it scared me and I was quick to agree. I didn't want people to think I was weird." He eyed his tall friends before continuing.
"It was hard at first, and I could tell it frustrated my parents - and me, because I didn't feel any different, as I expected I would. But meeting you guys finally changed that, it became easier to transition my thoughts from what I believed to whatever you guys did." He shrugged once more, "I was able to push my thoughts into the back of mind and focus on everything you guys did, copy your mannerisms, flirt with girls...It got really easy, and I thought I was cured."
He swallowed roughly, "based on my current predicament, I literally had just shoved it into the back of my mind for later. It started coming back again a few years before we left Minnesota."
"It was like everything started rushing back in, something just gave and..." he shuddered, "I sneaked out to the store late one night at bought a...bra." When his friends gave no reaction, Logan took it as a sign to continue. "I can't even entirely remember doing it and when I got home I chucked it in my closet and didn't touch it for months."
"I think it was a just half a year before we left Minnesota, I finally dug it out and put it on. I instantly hated it when I looked at myself in the mirror, and was going to take it off but...my Mom opened the door and well..." He sighed.
"After that my parents began to tip-toe around me, watched warily, I think they suspected I'd suddenly turn into a girl or something, just sprout a vagina and start wearing dresses. Kendall cringed at the mention of female clothing, now understanding Logan's outburst from earlier.
"Coming here was a blessing, I got a away from my parents, the memories. I thought if I was given the chance to figure this out on my own I could get over it." He snorted, "boy was I wrong. It was like getting away from my parents set it free, I started taking Mrs. Knight's fashion magazines and reading them, I'd never have the gall to touch the clothes again...but I felt more at peace reading them. Logan blushed, "I made up this fantasy where I was a girl - full girl, with everything - and we were all still friends and nothing had changed because I was born a girl."
He gave a breathy chuckle, "but soon after that I realized, I am a girl,from the beginning I was born in the wrong body and even my kid self understood that." Getting up from the bed, Logan dropped to his knees and bent down to reach below his bed. He pulled out his laptop and climbed back onto the bed, setting it onto his lap and flipping it open.
"I began writing video diaries after that, small snippets and clips explaining how I felt that day. It helped calm me down when I felt confused or worried." He flipped the laptop around and pressed play. "This was my first video."
The fellow occupants of the room watched the short clip, when it ended, Logan quickly closed the laptop and slid it back under his bed. He regarded Kendall.
"Your Mom has really helped me Kendall, after the whole fiasco when I told Lucy, she saved me. I'd never felt so alone and while it's kinda embarrassing, I'm glad your Mom found her magazines in my bed." He smiled, "she's really supported me, my parents have even started coming around a bit, granted I think it's because they miss me but - it's better than wallowing in anxiety."
Kendall smiled sadly, "I'm sorry we were part of the reason you oppressed who you really were Logan. We care about you, more than anything, and it sucks to know we just shoved your reality away from you like that."
Logan smiled gratefully to his blond friend, "Kendall I was completely aware of what I was doing, maybe not at first but, guys, I need to actually thank you for that. I still kinda got to enjoy being a kid, no, I didenjoy being a kid. I got to live that time of my life like any other kid - with no cares, I'm honestly lucky to have you guys - really."
Closing his cell, James slid it back into his pocket, "Carlos is on his way back, I think he's got a lot of questions for you."
"As expected, but do you guys?" Both Kendall and James shook their heads and Kendall rose from his bed. He took a seat next to Logan and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"I've heard all I need to hear to know that I am one hundred percent behind my best friend, into helping him, and supporting him to become the person he really is." Logan smiled at the blond, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. "Thank you Kendall," he turned to James, "and thank you James." He smiled at the two and stood up, "and as soon as Carlos gets here I will thank him too, and apologize, because I know he had nothing to do with getting me my gift." James spluttered, chasing after the shorter brunet as he left the room, "Uh, that was all Kendall actually and -" He was silenced with a smack to the back of his head.
"He's lying, James played a very crucial part on deciding what to get you for your gift." Kendall ignored as the tall brunet began squawking at him dramatically, shoving at the blond only to be shoved back and soon escalating into a full tussle in the middle of the room.
Logan watched carelessly as the two battled back and forth, it didn't last long though because James' cellphone went off and he immediately pulled away from the blond, complaining about his hair.
"Hello?" he answered, smoothing his hair back into place. Whatever was said over the phone suddenly stopped him in mid-grooming, eyes bugging out.
"Carlos what are you talking about? Where are you?" James sped off towards the living room, eyes searching for the remote. He snagged it from where it rested on the couch, immediately jabbing the buttons with his thumb to change the channel. Still by the kitchen, Logan and Kendall watched James buzz around the living room, barking at Carlos into his phone.
"No Carlos, I have no idea who would've-" he cut himself off, looking up at Logan. Something in the pretty boys' eye shook Logan to the core. His stomach sank and he suddenly felt he needed to vomit.
James. Carlos. Shouting. Remote. TV.
TV. Logan gulped and ran over to the couch, he snatched the remote from James, dodging as he tried to grab it back from him. Flipping the channels, Logan finally found what he was scared to prove true.
On the TV was Griffin, broadcasting to some news network on the latest news with his boy bands, and that's when he heard it.
"Sources have told me that a Logan Mitchell of Big Time Rush has recently come out about being a woman? Is this true Mr. Griffin?" the news reporter turned his mic over to Griffin to respond. The CEO plucked the mic from the reporters hand face the camera.
"As I've been told yes, but I'm sure I and the band came come to some sort of definite conclusion to present to the media." His eyes never left the camera and Logan knew the man, expecting the boys to watch, was sending them a warning.
The rest of the broadcast fell on deaf ears as Logan completely shut down. He could faintly hear James shouting at Carlos to get back 'asap' over the phone, while another phone in the background started to ring. He could fuzzily make out Kendall trying to calm Gustavo down as the man was in his latest tirade over the boys actions. The broadcast continued on, becoming a light buzz in his ears as the world spun around him.
The last thing he saw was a fuzzy picture of himself popping up on the television.
'Logan Mitchell of Big Time Rush - male or female?'