i don't know anymore?!?

[mandibaby027027]

I sersiouly don't even know what to think and feel, it feels like a major part of my life just walked out on me, the only thing ive ever actaully rreally cared about is gone....and im starting to come to reality and realize its just another "fight" its done and over with. My heart hurts so bad, i just wish things would work out and id be happy again. He is the most amazing guy that ive ever met, the guy who brought out the best in me, the guy who ive shared so many memories and dreams with..is gone--how can that be..?? the last few weeks have been so shitty without "HIM" in my life..but i guess him and everyone else is right, i just have to move on, he said all he needs is time, but i'm not dumb, hes just letting me down easy...and telling me what i want to hear..and of corse im falling into the trap of it, im just not strong enough to believe all hes telling me are lies to keep me holding on, i love him with all my heart, and it hurts that hes gone..i dont want to face it, i just wanna run away and hide from it all. but theres no way out of it, 1st heartbreak, 1st love..it happens to everyone sooner or later. and it sucks so bad, but it only makes you a stronger person inside. right now i feel like nothing is right, ill never feel better, and no i'm not wanting every1 to feel sorry for me, im just letting my feelings out. i go out w/my friends, ya i have fun, but when im alone, i breakdown, i cry for hours, and i dont understand im so upset, and hes just out having the time of his life?? maybe he never cared in the 1st place..or maybe he did? maybe i cared too much and tried to much?? I love this kid with everything that i have, that will never change-hes so speical to me and i just want him to reazlie that hes changed my life so much...for the better...i just keep telling my self, things will get better,things will change, maybe one day soon he'll come back around, but you always gotta plan on the worse..don't ever count on someone, you'll just be let down. i'm not writing this for jay to feel bad for me. but i really do love him and care so much about this kid, that id do anything in the world for him...but time will tell everything..

i love you forever :-/...:-(
mandi