im an adult tonight at midnight
tomorrow is my 18th birthday. i dont know whether to be really stoked..or to be bummed...im going to miss being a kid. i mean, i still am at heart...but with age comes responsibility and i dont think im ready for all of that yet. the whole idea of paying bills, and living on my own next year, and graduating, and basically GROWING UP scares the fuck out of me. i started crying in my moms arms tonight because i really dont know if im ready to grow up and take on the real world. ive always said.. " i cant wait to just live my life and be on my own" but now that its creeping up on me..im starting to get really scared. i dont know. but on a better note..im going to hopfully have a kickass night and go out with all my closests friends downtown and do what girls do best...dance and get crazy haha... that should be fun... britney,lindsey,jamie,danielle,natalie,billy,nick,and sarah are all joining me on my night of adulthood if you will. hehe..
my mom paid for me to get my hair did for my birthday since its always a butt load of money... i got a full frost and a haircut from my salon.. it looks really awesome...a lot of blonde back in it, just how i like it=) and they cut a few inches off and added long choppy layers to it..it looks hot. im happy with it..and on top of getting my hair done, i got a job offer there to be a part time receptionist which im really thinking about taking. getting my foot in the door at a salon is what ive been waiting for and especially at that salon..hot heads is the place that inspired me to want to became a hair stylist from the begining..the only downfall about taking that job there would be the drive... from my house in apopka to the alt. mall everyday..it would suck..traffic,gas,rushing home from school.. i dont know--but its what i really wanna do..its just so far away from my house =( we'll see. i have tp pray on it and see what god says is right for me at this point in my life.
so i basically broke down in tears in front of my whole family tonight int he living room and told them im sorry for all the bitchy things ive done to them in the past and how i know im not the easiest person to live with and i basically treat them all like scum.. but them, being an understanding and loving family, hugged me and said it was okay and they are just trying to accept ALL the sides of me as i grow up into a women...including the bitchy sideo of me, which by the way..im working on changing drastically with this new year. speaking of the new year, i have set a lot of new goals for myself that i WILL reach with enough will power and drive within myself. organize myself, make better grades(its the last semester of my senior year, i have to push myself ten times as hard as i ever have before in the past) get in shape..start running and exercising more often and eat healthier..try to make time for breakfast and all that shit... ive toned down on the partying so i need to keep that under control as well... try and just make peace with everyone and everything that comes my way. live, love, laugh... thats my focus.. i need to just breath and chill more. i need to stop worrying about finding love. with love comes happiness in my eyes..and with out it im a lump of sad depressed amanda but in a way..thats bad. i have to learn to be independant amanda and not always rely on a man to keep me happy. i need to leanr to live my life and enjoy each day i live with or without a boyfriend. yes, having one would make things so much better but i cant always get what i want. atleast not at this point and time in my life. he will come when god is ready for me to handle a relationship and right now my life is too scattered and messy to deal with another persons feelings accept my own. then theres jason..whom i really enjoy being around..and who makes me laugh, and who i can see myself with and having fun with..but then theres his wall...the wall he wont let down for anyone. and i understand why, because i was there. i was the one who was dumped on my ass and left heart broken. but i got over it and moved on. i wish i could just drill it in his head that im not hear to hurt him and i genuinwinly want to get to know him on another level than just his friends. like i said, im not necisarrily ready for a relationship..but to just have that one special person that cares about me and i care about them just as much in my life would make things a lot easier on me..why not him? i want to crack him open and i want him to trust me.. we dont even know each other that well but there is just somthing about him--when we hang out....i want to know more..i want him to just talk and talk and talk about himself and ill just sit and listen. ::sigh:: i dont even know where im going with this entry..its all over the place and my fingers are literally starting to cramp up.... so for now...im done rambling... if i think of anything else i want to say ill come back and edit this mother fucker and add more to it for your viewing pleasures..hehe... im gone for now. bye
-scatter brained amanda
IF YOU READ THIS ALL I GIVE U MAD PROPS ;)
my mom paid for me to get my hair did for my birthday since its always a butt load of money... i got a full frost and a haircut from my salon.. it looks really awesome...a lot of blonde back in it, just how i like it=) and they cut a few inches off and added long choppy layers to it..it looks hot. im happy with it..and on top of getting my hair done, i got a job offer there to be a part time receptionist which im really thinking about taking. getting my foot in the door at a salon is what ive been waiting for and especially at that salon..hot heads is the place that inspired me to want to became a hair stylist from the begining..the only downfall about taking that job there would be the drive... from my house in apopka to the alt. mall everyday..it would suck..traffic,gas,rushing home from school.. i dont know--but its what i really wanna do..its just so far away from my house =( we'll see. i have tp pray on it and see what god says is right for me at this point in my life.
so i basically broke down in tears in front of my whole family tonight int he living room and told them im sorry for all the bitchy things ive done to them in the past and how i know im not the easiest person to live with and i basically treat them all like scum.. but them, being an understanding and loving family, hugged me and said it was okay and they are just trying to accept ALL the sides of me as i grow up into a women...including the bitchy sideo of me, which by the way..im working on changing drastically with this new year. speaking of the new year, i have set a lot of new goals for myself that i WILL reach with enough will power and drive within myself. organize myself, make better grades(its the last semester of my senior year, i have to push myself ten times as hard as i ever have before in the past) get in shape..start running and exercising more often and eat healthier..try to make time for breakfast and all that shit... ive toned down on the partying so i need to keep that under control as well... try and just make peace with everyone and everything that comes my way. live, love, laugh... thats my focus.. i need to just breath and chill more. i need to stop worrying about finding love. with love comes happiness in my eyes..and with out it im a lump of sad depressed amanda but in a way..thats bad. i have to learn to be independant amanda and not always rely on a man to keep me happy. i need to leanr to live my life and enjoy each day i live with or without a boyfriend. yes, having one would make things so much better but i cant always get what i want. atleast not at this point and time in my life. he will come when god is ready for me to handle a relationship and right now my life is too scattered and messy to deal with another persons feelings accept my own. then theres jason..whom i really enjoy being around..and who makes me laugh, and who i can see myself with and having fun with..but then theres his wall...the wall he wont let down for anyone. and i understand why, because i was there. i was the one who was dumped on my ass and left heart broken. but i got over it and moved on. i wish i could just drill it in his head that im not hear to hurt him and i genuinwinly want to get to know him on another level than just his friends. like i said, im not necisarrily ready for a relationship..but to just have that one special person that cares about me and i care about them just as much in my life would make things a lot easier on me..why not him? i want to crack him open and i want him to trust me.. we dont even know each other that well but there is just somthing about him--when we hang out....i want to know more..i want him to just talk and talk and talk about himself and ill just sit and listen. ::sigh:: i dont even know where im going with this entry..its all over the place and my fingers are literally starting to cramp up.... so for now...im done rambling... if i think of anything else i want to say ill come back and edit this mother fucker and add more to it for your viewing pleasures..hehe... im gone for now. bye
-scatter brained amanda
IF YOU READ THIS ALL I GIVE U MAD PROPS ;)