Dear Aug 8
Dear Aug 8th,
It is 8:21pm, I am sober, had my usual afternoon coffee, period on its way, a bit hungry. In a fairly normal state.
Feelings for me often come a bit delayed. They need to soak in.
He leaves tomorrow morning. I saw him last night and this morning for the last time. I went to the beach after that with my brother (I kinda wish i went alone, but I guess company is good)
I miss you.
I held it together pretty strong for a while. I did my god damn best to not spend all of yesterday and today crying. I didn't want to spend the last memory like that.We did ok. There of course were tears, but we have done way worse before.
it's your gifts that make me never want to loose you. When I see gonzo I think of you and how you bonded with him. This feels so much harder than with others. Because there is still love, and little betrayal. Thus it feels closer to loosing someone to death (minus the health probelms which add a whole other layer of sadness)
I just try to have hope for the future.
but honestly, I know my feelings ossilate, but he was a good one. He wasn't perfect. Nor am I. We did want to walk the same path.
I think in another life or another soecity where we co-raised our children as part of a tribe this wouldnt be as sad. I would likely already be a mother, I would have many partners through my journey. If i subtract that I am looking for a long term partner to start a modern family with... then this is less sad. it takes away a layer of failure here.
I dont know how to do the work and things I need to do. I dont know how to love again really. I dont know how on earth I can find another person. Just to think how the condo has fluxicuated. Just to think how I have aged. Looking back and looking forward feel painful. Being present feels bleak.
They say you only have 3 loves in your life. I am likely 2 down. I have one more. that is the only thing that gives me hope.
I miss you.
The pain in my heart is so real and I want it to go away, but I also want to feel it, so I can try to understand what it is telling me (other than I miss him and that I want someone here with me) Do I need to learn something?
Just how do i start the next chapter. How can I honour this pain. And how an i honour him and our time while still moving on.
It is 8:21pm, I am sober, had my usual afternoon coffee, period on its way, a bit hungry. In a fairly normal state.
Feelings for me often come a bit delayed. They need to soak in.
He leaves tomorrow morning. I saw him last night and this morning for the last time. I went to the beach after that with my brother (I kinda wish i went alone, but I guess company is good)
I miss you.
I held it together pretty strong for a while. I did my god damn best to not spend all of yesterday and today crying. I didn't want to spend the last memory like that.We did ok. There of course were tears, but we have done way worse before.
it's your gifts that make me never want to loose you. When I see gonzo I think of you and how you bonded with him. This feels so much harder than with others. Because there is still love, and little betrayal. Thus it feels closer to loosing someone to death (minus the health probelms which add a whole other layer of sadness)
I just try to have hope for the future.
but honestly, I know my feelings ossilate, but he was a good one. He wasn't perfect. Nor am I. We did want to walk the same path.
I think in another life or another soecity where we co-raised our children as part of a tribe this wouldnt be as sad. I would likely already be a mother, I would have many partners through my journey. If i subtract that I am looking for a long term partner to start a modern family with... then this is less sad. it takes away a layer of failure here.
I dont know how to do the work and things I need to do. I dont know how to love again really. I dont know how on earth I can find another person. Just to think how the condo has fluxicuated. Just to think how I have aged. Looking back and looking forward feel painful. Being present feels bleak.
They say you only have 3 loves in your life. I am likely 2 down. I have one more. that is the only thing that gives me hope.
I miss you.
The pain in my heart is so real and I want it to go away, but I also want to feel it, so I can try to understand what it is telling me (other than I miss him and that I want someone here with me) Do I need to learn something?
Just how do i start the next chapter. How can I honour this pain. And how an i honour him and our time while still moving on.