the victim's thrill
i colour my hair when i'm feeling depressed or out of control. tonight, for the third time in one month, i coloured my hair. i like it. but how long will that last really? for two weeks? two days? we'll see. it sounds silly, and maybe it is, but i think it's something more psychological. i can't sleep. normally i'm struggling to keep my eyes open by 11:30 but tonight i'm wide awake. i slept until noon, but that's normal too (on days off) so i don't know. i'm really a mess lately. i've always been a mess. all i do is feel. i can't bring myself to turn my emotions in to thoughts because with that might come an understanding of what's really wrong and then i might have to face it. i'm not ready for that. i've never been ready for that. so instead i just block out negative feelings so that i don't have to think about them. i pretend that everything is okay until i really believe i'm okay for a while. then the whole cycle starts again. here i feel like i'm just existing and not doing anything really. i hate that and it makes me want to die. like, what's the point if i'm not doing anything? that's not a suicide note and i'm not going to slit my wrists in the bathtub or anything, but i'm just saying. i can't commit to anything... at all. not relationships, not what i'm going to wear that day, not where i'm going to go to school, what i'm going to do with my life, what i'm going to eat for breakfast, where i'm going to live... nothing. it's starting to get old and frustrating to the point where i just don't want to do anything because then i won't have any decisions to make.... nothing to consider and nothing to think about. but then i end up just existing.
what is wrong with me?!
what is wrong with me?!