(no subject)
A lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. Some of them are legitimate. I'm terrified of heights, for example. For the most part, I think that's a rational fear. People that are afraid of bugs and spiders....while I don't share their fear, I certainly understand it. Even irrational fears of things like ice and ball lightning i can kind of understand. What I can't understand are people that are afraid of living life. I don't mean people that are afraid of doing things like jumping out of airplanes to make their lives intense or something. I mean the people that are afraid of driving and that check their doors and windows five times a day to make sure they are locked and that don't ever do anything outside of their comfort zone, or even people that hide behind lazyness or kids or insecurities or vices or past experiences to prevent them from fully living their life.
All that being said, I think I must be one of those people. I have to be. If I weren't, my life would have to be different. Right?
But, then again, what's the scariest most difficult thing we encounter as humans? At the risk of sounding cliche, I say love.
It's why i think God put us on this planet...to love each other. to love ourselves. to love Him. if we can't do those 3 simple things, what else is there?
What it comes down to is that love is the one thing that we cannot be afraid of in this world. the one thing that we have to fight for and that we can't let go of. It's responsible for a lot (possibly all) of the good things in this world.
But it's also what makes us cry and hurt more than any bullet could ever and what makes people jump off the Brooklyn bridge or live in a cave in the woods. Because it's so scary and difficult.
I'd like to think that I'm good at love. Or, at least, that I don't suck at it. But I really don't know.
Anyway, I leave next week. I still haven't gotten ANY information from the park about where I'm living, what my schedule will be or what I'm doing. They said they mailed it last week. It's really frustrating. I'm apprehensive enough about the whole thing as it is. Not knowing anything is making it even worse.
Somehow I have found myself back at the mindset that this isn't the way my life is supposed to be right now. This wasn't the plan. It wasn't where I was supposed to be. This wasn't even the plan 2 months ago. How did things get so horribly off track in just two months? The movie I'm watching...some cheesy chick flick with ashton kutcher....just said something along the lines of "this is your life, right now. it's not going to wait for you to get back on your feet." cut to ashton standing outside his unrequited love's door serenading her. I wish I could get to that point, where somebody could say something to me or i could read something or see something where I would just get to the point of action. Where I would know what I wanted to do - what would get me out of my funk, and then I would do it. I can't even imagine somebody doing something like that for me. Getting over their fears and taking action. Taking a risk. Doing something.
My mind is just such a complete mess sometimes.
I really hope that good things happen when I move. Otherwise I'm going to be miserable. And I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull myself out of it. And I feel like I'm going to be rather cut off from my support system.
I'm pathetic and dramatic sometimes. Even as I'm writing, I can see through my words. I know things will be okay and I know it won't be as bad as I think it will. I know that I will find a guy that will love me more than I can imagine, even though I can't imagine anything better right now. And I know that even though my plans haven't worked out, things will work out.
Wow, I will be amazed if anybody else can follow all of this psychosis.
I need to go do something more productive.
All that being said, I think I must be one of those people. I have to be. If I weren't, my life would have to be different. Right?
But, then again, what's the scariest most difficult thing we encounter as humans? At the risk of sounding cliche, I say love.
It's why i think God put us on this planet...to love each other. to love ourselves. to love Him. if we can't do those 3 simple things, what else is there?
What it comes down to is that love is the one thing that we cannot be afraid of in this world. the one thing that we have to fight for and that we can't let go of. It's responsible for a lot (possibly all) of the good things in this world.
But it's also what makes us cry and hurt more than any bullet could ever and what makes people jump off the Brooklyn bridge or live in a cave in the woods. Because it's so scary and difficult.
I'd like to think that I'm good at love. Or, at least, that I don't suck at it. But I really don't know.
Anyway, I leave next week. I still haven't gotten ANY information from the park about where I'm living, what my schedule will be or what I'm doing. They said they mailed it last week. It's really frustrating. I'm apprehensive enough about the whole thing as it is. Not knowing anything is making it even worse.
Somehow I have found myself back at the mindset that this isn't the way my life is supposed to be right now. This wasn't the plan. It wasn't where I was supposed to be. This wasn't even the plan 2 months ago. How did things get so horribly off track in just two months? The movie I'm watching...some cheesy chick flick with ashton kutcher....just said something along the lines of "this is your life, right now. it's not going to wait for you to get back on your feet." cut to ashton standing outside his unrequited love's door serenading her. I wish I could get to that point, where somebody could say something to me or i could read something or see something where I would just get to the point of action. Where I would know what I wanted to do - what would get me out of my funk, and then I would do it. I can't even imagine somebody doing something like that for me. Getting over their fears and taking action. Taking a risk. Doing something.
My mind is just such a complete mess sometimes.
I really hope that good things happen when I move. Otherwise I'm going to be miserable. And I don't know if I'll have the strength to pull myself out of it. And I feel like I'm going to be rather cut off from my support system.
I'm pathetic and dramatic sometimes. Even as I'm writing, I can see through my words. I know things will be okay and I know it won't be as bad as I think it will. I know that I will find a guy that will love me more than I can imagine, even though I can't imagine anything better right now. And I know that even though my plans haven't worked out, things will work out.
Wow, I will be amazed if anybody else can follow all of this psychosis.
I need to go do something more productive.