(no subject)
Last night we did this Thanksgiving Dinner style event at some friends apartment. After dinner we all sat around and I realized this is the happiest I have ever been and things are good. Its weird I think that things could be better. I know I have the most fantastic group of friends and I love them dearly it just seems like there is always unfinished words or actions to be done. Possibly its this unresolved whats going on with a certain friend of mine. Possibly this is just the time when we are suppose to grow apart, I can't even begin to think I know.
The last few months have gotten constantly harder. I never knew what it was like to lose a friend, and I didn't think I would take it this hard. I know I made it harder on myself. I thought it would be easier to not be a part of a public outcry of emotion during her wake and funeral and just say good bye personally to her. I know now that I was wrong and that maybe those events are a good part of saying good bye and grieving for this person. I can never take back the fact that I did not go I will always regret it. Maybe that regret is what is making me hold onto the fact that I will never see her again that much harder. I find myself still visiting the sites where people write to her, I so want to tell her (and her family that reads it often) how wonderful she was, but I feel like since I did not make the effort to come and say good bye it does not matter what I think.
I cannot begin to decipher this strange life we know and live, and the longer I try the move of it I miss.
The last few months have gotten constantly harder. I never knew what it was like to lose a friend, and I didn't think I would take it this hard. I know I made it harder on myself. I thought it would be easier to not be a part of a public outcry of emotion during her wake and funeral and just say good bye personally to her. I know now that I was wrong and that maybe those events are a good part of saying good bye and grieving for this person. I can never take back the fact that I did not go I will always regret it. Maybe that regret is what is making me hold onto the fact that I will never see her again that much harder. I find myself still visiting the sites where people write to her, I so want to tell her (and her family that reads it often) how wonderful she was, but I feel like since I did not make the effort to come and say good bye it does not matter what I think.
I cannot begin to decipher this strange life we know and live, and the longer I try the move of it I miss.