how do you measure, measure a year?
When I think back on this year I can't believe how much has changed. I alone have changed so much in just these past 12 months. The Amanda from a year ago wouldn't even recognize me now. I've become a completely different person, a better person, most of the credit for which goes to the people I now have in my life. I never thought I would have friends like the ones I have now. I guess that would be because throughout this year I learned, among many other things, that the people I thought were "real friends" weren't and I didn't even know what real friends were until these amazing people came into my life. I now have a group of friends that are simply wonderful and a lot of people will live their whole lives and never have one friendship that compares to the friendships I have with all of my friends. I'm lucky to have these people.
If I had to sum up the way I feel about the passing year I would say this... I've had better, but I've had worse. This year hasn't been that easy for me, but through the hard times I learned a lot, not only about the world and other people but about myself too. I think I went into this year searching for a part of me that wasn't really there. I spent so much time focusing on being who everyone thought I was I forgot that I was allowed to change and grow. I never focused on who I really was and all the things that made me who I am. I built up this picture in my head of everything I had to be and in that picture there wasn't room for anything else.
Since then I've torn that picture down and thrown it away. I'm making a new one, but it’s not done because one of the things I've learned this year is that your picture... it shouldn't be done. People never stop growing and changing. You'll never get it perfect on the first try and that's ok because perfect is not real and I do not have to try and make it reality. Change isn't always bad, sometimes it’s needed. If you’re open to change it can add to who you are. But you have to be ready to allow things to happen. Honestly the truth is whether you allow life to happen or not, it’s going to. The more prepared you are for it the better off you'll be. You can try and fight it but that's only going to make you more miserable along the way.
I think back to January and I think about how different everything was. I was someone I don't even know now and I thought I would never change. I was too scared to face things on my own and I was even more afraid to let anyone help me. The funny part about that was, not too many people were pushing to get in my bubble.
When I look back through this passing year the first thing I think of are the people that have changed everything....
Somehow I just think me and Autumn were meant to find our way back to each other. She is honestly one of the best friends I have ever had and I don't think there is anyone else that is quite like her. I've never met someone so passionate about everything in her life, especially the people in it. Her passion for everything rubs off on anyone and everything she comes in contact with. I'm not even kidding the girl is always smiling. At the beginning of this year Autumn and I were the kind of friends that you see in the hall and smile and wave to or the kind of friend you call when you really need something. I never imagined we'd become what we are now. We’re inseparable, for the second time in our lives. However this time I don't think either one of us would let each other go for anything else in the world.
In Casey I found something I never expected to find. Keeping things inside was something I did best. There were secrets I had I honestly thought I would take to my grave, simply because I thought holding things inside was easier. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. Then I met someone that cared so much I had to let him in. Unlike anyone else in my life he pushed and pushed until I confided in him and when I did I knew I could trust him. He’s become my outlet and my best friend. He’s always concerned and he always cares. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with a bigger heart. I don’t know what I would do without Casey. I don’t even want to try and imagine where I would be without him in my life. He keeps me in check and he makes me laugh when I don’t think I can. He listens to my senseless babble and then when there is nothing else he can do he holds onto me and lets me cry on his shoulder, he makes me feel safe. I could ask for a better friend and if I have anything to say about it I’ll never have to.
Alex and I have been close for a while now. Throughout this year we’ve been close and distant. We’ve had our share of fights and disagreements; I think that’s what makes us so close. Our fights made our friendship stronger but I know Alex would rope the moon for me if I really needed him to. That’s one of the many things that makes Alex so amazing. He’s always willing to go above and beyond for you. Unfortunately some people take him for granted because of this but I couldn’t be more grateful. Alex takes care of me, he’s like my big brother and I love him to death. I’m really going to miss him when he leaves me.
Kristi is another one I’ve known forever and we have defiantly had our share of bad times but see the thing about Kristi is I never once thought we wouldn’t be friends again because with Kristi I know that she’ll always be there. We could be in the middle of a fight or we could not speak for months but if I call her and say…
“Kristi, make me laugh”
She’ll say…
“Amanda, I’m gay”
…and I’ll laugh forever.
She’s just amazing like that. We’ve always been able to get through everything that life has thrown at us and trust me life has thrown quite a bit at me and Kristi but I love the girl to death. She makes me laugh like nobody’s business and we’re always there for each other when it’s important. But that’s what being a sister is all about and to me that’s what Kristi is. She’s the sister I never had and I don’t think anyone could do a better job at being one.
Shannon is someone that can ALWAYS make me laugh no matter what is getting to me. I never thought the two of us would become as close as we have but the thing about Shannon is he hates to see anyone sad. He’ll do whatever it takes to make you laugh and even when nothings wrong he’s making you laugh. He’s so much fun to be around. I can’t ever remember a time when I was with him and not laughing. He seems to come into a place, stir up commotion and then tip toe out laughing. But the thing is I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way because without Shannon my life would be a lot more boring. He not only makes me laugh but he looks out for me and we have the best talks. Shannon can be silly and carefree but he has a good heart, as all my friends do. If he knows you need to talk he’s not shy about letting and he always will throw some sort of advice at you whether it’s real advice or just something that will make you laugh. I know Shannon has made my year a lot more enjoyable and I’m real glad he was a big part of it.
Mandy doesn’t know how amazing she really is and that’s ashamed because she is one of the most incredible people I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. Through this year we have gotten to know each other better and become close. I think I’d be a little lost without her. She cares so much about everyone that she makes you feel like you can always turn to her and I’m so lucky to have a friend like that. My wish for her this year is that she can see through to how completely awesome she is and how much she DOES deserve to be happy without people getting her down. I love that girl to pieces.
Kyle and I were close last year but not nearly as close as we have become. He’s become my go to kid. When I’m having a rough time he usually gives me hope and provides me with advice. Because of Kyle I still have hope in humanity. He’s one of the most amazing people I know but he’ll never admit that and he hates hearing it too, he’s stubborn and a buttface sometimes but he’s also someone I couldn’t live without. He makes me see the good and the bad in the world and everyone needs someone like that in their life.
Kaitlynn is someone new. She’s something good that 2005 has brought to me. If you don’t know Kaitlynn then you’re missing out. She doesn’t think so but trust me I know so. She has this smile and when she smiles at you, you can’t help but smile back. She’s naive and young but I love that about her. She cares about everything and everyone, even people that have put her down. She thinks way too little of herself and she never gives herself enough credit. She’s smart girl and a pretty girl and she doesn’t see that at all. I have a wish for her this year as well. I want her to be able to see through all the past experiences she’s had with people and I want her to see how truly amazing she really is. I know that it could take forever for her to see that if she ever does and if she doesn’t that’s sad but I want her to know this. I think she’s amazing and pretty and smart and funny and everything that a good friend should be. I want her to know my opinion and I want her to carry it with her wherever she goes. Because that girl is stronger than she thinks and smarter than she knows and no matter what I will always be right by her side to help her through everything. When she can’t make it I’ll carry her until she can get back on her feet. She’s someone that deserves to see who she really is and I’m so glad she is a part of my life. I’d be lost without her bright shinning smile. I love my Kaitlynn more than life.
Most of the people above became a BIG part of my life around May. It started as something simple. It was just five friends watching Phantom and that turned into an every Friday event. Sometimes thinking about Friday was what got me through the week. My MovieNights<3 and my MovieNight<3 Crew have helped to make everything that was good about this year. Some of the best memories I have I have had with them. There have been so many laughs and tears and they were there for it all.
That’s what is so amazing about my group of friends, we all care so much about each other. Sometimes I feel closer to them then I do with my own family. In a lot of ways they have become my family. We all take care of each other and when someone is sad we all pile on top of them until we can find a way to make them smile. With people like my friends it’s hard not to smile.
Sure there have been friendships lost and bad experience throughout this year but if there is one thing I’ve learned about this year and about life in general it’s this, measure you’re life in love. I know that probably sounds really cheesy but it’s the honest to god truth.
Bad things happen. You’re probably going to cry just as much as you laugh and you know sometimes unfair things are going to happen but that doesn’t mean you have nothing. Count up the people that love you, the people you love because as long as you have that to hold onto you’re going to be ok and I can say that from personal experience.
The world isn’t always nice and sometimes it can be a scary place. But I know when I feel like the rains never going to stop I have people that are there, people that dry my tears and make me smile, people that show me the rainbows coming after the rain. I know that as long as I have that everything is going to be ok and it’s my hope that 2006 will be full of just as many good memories and hopefully only half as much bad.
Now if you’re still reading this you really deserve something special.
Oh and this will be my last entry in this livejournal simply because I don’t like the memories that as in it and I want to go with the new year and “start a new” so if you read my livejournal feel free to add my new one measureinlove06.
If I had to sum up the way I feel about the passing year I would say this... I've had better, but I've had worse. This year hasn't been that easy for me, but through the hard times I learned a lot, not only about the world and other people but about myself too. I think I went into this year searching for a part of me that wasn't really there. I spent so much time focusing on being who everyone thought I was I forgot that I was allowed to change and grow. I never focused on who I really was and all the things that made me who I am. I built up this picture in my head of everything I had to be and in that picture there wasn't room for anything else.
Since then I've torn that picture down and thrown it away. I'm making a new one, but it’s not done because one of the things I've learned this year is that your picture... it shouldn't be done. People never stop growing and changing. You'll never get it perfect on the first try and that's ok because perfect is not real and I do not have to try and make it reality. Change isn't always bad, sometimes it’s needed. If you’re open to change it can add to who you are. But you have to be ready to allow things to happen. Honestly the truth is whether you allow life to happen or not, it’s going to. The more prepared you are for it the better off you'll be. You can try and fight it but that's only going to make you more miserable along the way.
I think back to January and I think about how different everything was. I was someone I don't even know now and I thought I would never change. I was too scared to face things on my own and I was even more afraid to let anyone help me. The funny part about that was, not too many people were pushing to get in my bubble.
When I look back through this passing year the first thing I think of are the people that have changed everything....
Somehow I just think me and Autumn were meant to find our way back to each other. She is honestly one of the best friends I have ever had and I don't think there is anyone else that is quite like her. I've never met someone so passionate about everything in her life, especially the people in it. Her passion for everything rubs off on anyone and everything she comes in contact with. I'm not even kidding the girl is always smiling. At the beginning of this year Autumn and I were the kind of friends that you see in the hall and smile and wave to or the kind of friend you call when you really need something. I never imagined we'd become what we are now. We’re inseparable, for the second time in our lives. However this time I don't think either one of us would let each other go for anything else in the world.
In Casey I found something I never expected to find. Keeping things inside was something I did best. There were secrets I had I honestly thought I would take to my grave, simply because I thought holding things inside was easier. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. Then I met someone that cared so much I had to let him in. Unlike anyone else in my life he pushed and pushed until I confided in him and when I did I knew I could trust him. He’s become my outlet and my best friend. He’s always concerned and he always cares. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone with a bigger heart. I don’t know what I would do without Casey. I don’t even want to try and imagine where I would be without him in my life. He keeps me in check and he makes me laugh when I don’t think I can. He listens to my senseless babble and then when there is nothing else he can do he holds onto me and lets me cry on his shoulder, he makes me feel safe. I could ask for a better friend and if I have anything to say about it I’ll never have to.
Alex and I have been close for a while now. Throughout this year we’ve been close and distant. We’ve had our share of fights and disagreements; I think that’s what makes us so close. Our fights made our friendship stronger but I know Alex would rope the moon for me if I really needed him to. That’s one of the many things that makes Alex so amazing. He’s always willing to go above and beyond for you. Unfortunately some people take him for granted because of this but I couldn’t be more grateful. Alex takes care of me, he’s like my big brother and I love him to death. I’m really going to miss him when he leaves me.
Kristi is another one I’ve known forever and we have defiantly had our share of bad times but see the thing about Kristi is I never once thought we wouldn’t be friends again because with Kristi I know that she’ll always be there. We could be in the middle of a fight or we could not speak for months but if I call her and say…
“Kristi, make me laugh”
She’ll say…
“Amanda, I’m gay”
…and I’ll laugh forever.
She’s just amazing like that. We’ve always been able to get through everything that life has thrown at us and trust me life has thrown quite a bit at me and Kristi but I love the girl to death. She makes me laugh like nobody’s business and we’re always there for each other when it’s important. But that’s what being a sister is all about and to me that’s what Kristi is. She’s the sister I never had and I don’t think anyone could do a better job at being one.
Shannon is someone that can ALWAYS make me laugh no matter what is getting to me. I never thought the two of us would become as close as we have but the thing about Shannon is he hates to see anyone sad. He’ll do whatever it takes to make you laugh and even when nothings wrong he’s making you laugh. He’s so much fun to be around. I can’t ever remember a time when I was with him and not laughing. He seems to come into a place, stir up commotion and then tip toe out laughing. But the thing is I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way because without Shannon my life would be a lot more boring. He not only makes me laugh but he looks out for me and we have the best talks. Shannon can be silly and carefree but he has a good heart, as all my friends do. If he knows you need to talk he’s not shy about letting and he always will throw some sort of advice at you whether it’s real advice or just something that will make you laugh. I know Shannon has made my year a lot more enjoyable and I’m real glad he was a big part of it.
Mandy doesn’t know how amazing she really is and that’s ashamed because she is one of the most incredible people I have ever had the privilege of getting to know. Through this year we have gotten to know each other better and become close. I think I’d be a little lost without her. She cares so much about everyone that she makes you feel like you can always turn to her and I’m so lucky to have a friend like that. My wish for her this year is that she can see through to how completely awesome she is and how much she DOES deserve to be happy without people getting her down. I love that girl to pieces.
Kyle and I were close last year but not nearly as close as we have become. He’s become my go to kid. When I’m having a rough time he usually gives me hope and provides me with advice. Because of Kyle I still have hope in humanity. He’s one of the most amazing people I know but he’ll never admit that and he hates hearing it too, he’s stubborn and a buttface sometimes but he’s also someone I couldn’t live without. He makes me see the good and the bad in the world and everyone needs someone like that in their life.
Kaitlynn is someone new. She’s something good that 2005 has brought to me. If you don’t know Kaitlynn then you’re missing out. She doesn’t think so but trust me I know so. She has this smile and when she smiles at you, you can’t help but smile back. She’s naive and young but I love that about her. She cares about everything and everyone, even people that have put her down. She thinks way too little of herself and she never gives herself enough credit. She’s smart girl and a pretty girl and she doesn’t see that at all. I have a wish for her this year as well. I want her to be able to see through all the past experiences she’s had with people and I want her to see how truly amazing she really is. I know that it could take forever for her to see that if she ever does and if she doesn’t that’s sad but I want her to know this. I think she’s amazing and pretty and smart and funny and everything that a good friend should be. I want her to know my opinion and I want her to carry it with her wherever she goes. Because that girl is stronger than she thinks and smarter than she knows and no matter what I will always be right by her side to help her through everything. When she can’t make it I’ll carry her until she can get back on her feet. She’s someone that deserves to see who she really is and I’m so glad she is a part of my life. I’d be lost without her bright shinning smile. I love my Kaitlynn more than life.
Most of the people above became a BIG part of my life around May. It started as something simple. It was just five friends watching Phantom and that turned into an every Friday event. Sometimes thinking about Friday was what got me through the week. My MovieNights<3 and my MovieNight<3 Crew have helped to make everything that was good about this year. Some of the best memories I have I have had with them. There have been so many laughs and tears and they were there for it all.
That’s what is so amazing about my group of friends, we all care so much about each other. Sometimes I feel closer to them then I do with my own family. In a lot of ways they have become my family. We all take care of each other and when someone is sad we all pile on top of them until we can find a way to make them smile. With people like my friends it’s hard not to smile.
Sure there have been friendships lost and bad experience throughout this year but if there is one thing I’ve learned about this year and about life in general it’s this, measure you’re life in love. I know that probably sounds really cheesy but it’s the honest to god truth.
Bad things happen. You’re probably going to cry just as much as you laugh and you know sometimes unfair things are going to happen but that doesn’t mean you have nothing. Count up the people that love you, the people you love because as long as you have that to hold onto you’re going to be ok and I can say that from personal experience.
The world isn’t always nice and sometimes it can be a scary place. But I know when I feel like the rains never going to stop I have people that are there, people that dry my tears and make me smile, people that show me the rainbows coming after the rain. I know that as long as I have that everything is going to be ok and it’s my hope that 2006 will be full of just as many good memories and hopefully only half as much bad.
Now if you’re still reading this you really deserve something special.
Oh and this will be my last entry in this livejournal simply because I don’t like the memories that as in it and I want to go with the new year and “start a new” so if you read my livejournal feel free to add my new one measureinlove06.