(no subject)
so last night was fun!.....NOT! all i did was cry. cry and sob and cry and pause and breath and then id gt light headed then i'd cry some more. and i'm not talking about tears comming down my face, i'm talking about loud crys the way baby's cry where they can hardly breath and you just want to drop dead at any minute. so loud that my mom came the stairs, told me to shut the fuck up, and slammed more door shut! i feel like total and udder shit and i have for the past week, even longer. i'm so sick of EVERYTHING! and i'm so stressed about everything that i just want to give up. i hated crying that much but thinking about my mom yelling at me again, thinking about my stupid grades, thinking about my husband, everything, and i just started balling! and for a frickin hour or more. the only time i stoped was when i fell asleep. im just so tired and so blah that took a shit load of medicine last night that i didn't need to, then i thought about what i had done and how if i didn't wake up in the morning how fucking scared id be and how many people i'd hurt, especially my husband and i couldn't do that. i just feel like shit and all i needed last night was my mom to hug me and calm me down and just be there for me, give me a little break, ya know!? but that didn't happen. i got bitched at for my grades once again and she doesn't understand. i'm hard on myself as it is, i'm pissed at myself all the time and her yelling at me doesn't help! understand what shes trying to get through, but she can't keep telling me who i am and what to do because i'm not her and she can't live her life through me. yea she fucked up, but i'm not stupid enough to make her mistakes! all she had to do last night was yell at me a little and then try and calm me down and try to understand more of why i've been so depressed and so fucked up lately. she didn't, she made things worse. i can't go anywhere during break or hang out with anyone, i have to stay home and do work and study. i wanted a break for so long from everything, i finally get it and i have to do school shit at home for 2 weeks. and like i know my dad's right, this kind of thing happens to a lot of people, and there's always someone who has it worse than me, but i just can't handle it like them. i'm too weak and way too emotional. okay...now that i vented...i don't know when the next time i'll be on is so Merry Christmas to all...lol The OC Chrismaka! that was funny! and to all a good break.