I wish I could lie for all of you.........
........And tell you that the summer is wonderful.
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I abruptly went out of town last Friday for an undetermined amount of time. I was supposed to work all of memorial day weekend but I called in and got it covered. My grandpa was expected to not live through the weekend. So we went to Cali and got back Wednesday night. We got there Saturday morning, had breakfast and then headed to the hospital. We stayed there for awhile trying to talk to my grandpa. He was on morphine and was totally out of it and asleep we guess. A couple times he kind of seemed like he was there listening to us, but we weren't sure. We took a break for lunch and then went back. Still no signs from him. He kind of seemed excited when we said we would bring music for him the next day. All that night I was scared of the phone call. The one you get and then you know that it's over. I cried myself to sleep. The phone call came at 630-7ish. We were off to the hospital. My uncle greeted us. My grandpa was gone. We all went in and just stood there. There was casual conversation. Everyone was remaining strong while the rest of my uncles and a close family friend were on the way. I was determined to stay strong. People kept pacing the hallways. I was fighting back tears. My mom and dad were out in the waiting room down the hall. I was in the room with my grandpa and I couldn't do it anymore. As I walked down the hall I just started bawling....
So that's it, my grandpa passed away Sunday morning. I feel so weak, so sad, so alone, so astonished. Things are still pretty surreal. Typing this out just know seemed kind of insincere, but I know I need support from someone and there's no way I could say what I needed to say on the phone. I desperately tried to call people when I got back and got nobody. I did finally talk to brad, but I can't really talk to him about death, he seems to avoid the subject.
I just can't believe that it's over. He was diagnosed with cancer in November, I didn't find out until March, and I still didn't really know that it was this serious. I didn't know that it was this bad. Seeing he was so hard. I would never have recognized him. He was so thin and frail. My grandpa was always a strong built man. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel selfish saying that. It's not about me at all.
I'm trying so hard to get better, but then life just hits me with blow after blow sometimes. Also thinking about how this is affecting the rest of the family hurts. I know my uncles, my mom and dad, and my grandma are in so much pain. I can't imagine. I still can't believe it.
I've realized my parents have raised me to hold all my feelings inside. At the hospital I just kept thinking don't cry. I did, but I wouldn't talk to anyone. I hate myself for holding my feelings inside.
I haven't gone to sleep without crying since Thursday night.
My grandpa's last words occured on Thursday night. They were to my grandma. He said, "Good night"
My grandpa also did not want a funeral, so we had no service, nothing. He wanted to go to science. As it turns out that is something that must be arranged in advance just in case you ever need to know. Luckily one of the nurses called a friend and my granpa was in high demand. Both UC-Davis and San Francisco wanted him and would pay for the shipping. San Francisco will be recieving him and they will study the cancer. I pray that something good may come out of this, at least that is a happy not.
On a semi-happy note too, so I don't leave you guys on a negative, my grandma and grandpa (pre-death) decided to give me there truck. So I am now the proud owner of a 91 Red Toyota Pickup Truck. It will be in Spokane and I am very excited about it. We drove it up from Cali and I now have a vehicle of my own. So I would love to drive people around. Yes, I will be driving a truck, it does seem wierd.
I've learned a lot this summer. Although I can't wait for it to be over. I want so badly for time to pass smoothly. I really need to talk to you guys though. I've tried to call but nobody answers their phones and then when you call back it's on the cell and my cell is a secret cell which means its on silent and i can't answer if my mom is home anyway, so call the house if it is before 10 at night. Anyway, I miss you all so much and I hope and pray that all is well with you.
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I abruptly went out of town last Friday for an undetermined amount of time. I was supposed to work all of memorial day weekend but I called in and got it covered. My grandpa was expected to not live through the weekend. So we went to Cali and got back Wednesday night. We got there Saturday morning, had breakfast and then headed to the hospital. We stayed there for awhile trying to talk to my grandpa. He was on morphine and was totally out of it and asleep we guess. A couple times he kind of seemed like he was there listening to us, but we weren't sure. We took a break for lunch and then went back. Still no signs from him. He kind of seemed excited when we said we would bring music for him the next day. All that night I was scared of the phone call. The one you get and then you know that it's over. I cried myself to sleep. The phone call came at 630-7ish. We were off to the hospital. My uncle greeted us. My grandpa was gone. We all went in and just stood there. There was casual conversation. Everyone was remaining strong while the rest of my uncles and a close family friend were on the way. I was determined to stay strong. People kept pacing the hallways. I was fighting back tears. My mom and dad were out in the waiting room down the hall. I was in the room with my grandpa and I couldn't do it anymore. As I walked down the hall I just started bawling....
So that's it, my grandpa passed away Sunday morning. I feel so weak, so sad, so alone, so astonished. Things are still pretty surreal. Typing this out just know seemed kind of insincere, but I know I need support from someone and there's no way I could say what I needed to say on the phone. I desperately tried to call people when I got back and got nobody. I did finally talk to brad, but I can't really talk to him about death, he seems to avoid the subject.
I just can't believe that it's over. He was diagnosed with cancer in November, I didn't find out until March, and I still didn't really know that it was this serious. I didn't know that it was this bad. Seeing he was so hard. I would never have recognized him. He was so thin and frail. My grandpa was always a strong built man. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel selfish saying that. It's not about me at all.
I'm trying so hard to get better, but then life just hits me with blow after blow sometimes. Also thinking about how this is affecting the rest of the family hurts. I know my uncles, my mom and dad, and my grandma are in so much pain. I can't imagine. I still can't believe it.
I've realized my parents have raised me to hold all my feelings inside. At the hospital I just kept thinking don't cry. I did, but I wouldn't talk to anyone. I hate myself for holding my feelings inside.
I haven't gone to sleep without crying since Thursday night.
My grandpa's last words occured on Thursday night. They were to my grandma. He said, "Good night"
My grandpa also did not want a funeral, so we had no service, nothing. He wanted to go to science. As it turns out that is something that must be arranged in advance just in case you ever need to know. Luckily one of the nurses called a friend and my granpa was in high demand. Both UC-Davis and San Francisco wanted him and would pay for the shipping. San Francisco will be recieving him and they will study the cancer. I pray that something good may come out of this, at least that is a happy not.
On a semi-happy note too, so I don't leave you guys on a negative, my grandma and grandpa (pre-death) decided to give me there truck. So I am now the proud owner of a 91 Red Toyota Pickup Truck. It will be in Spokane and I am very excited about it. We drove it up from Cali and I now have a vehicle of my own. So I would love to drive people around. Yes, I will be driving a truck, it does seem wierd.
I've learned a lot this summer. Although I can't wait for it to be over. I want so badly for time to pass smoothly. I really need to talk to you guys though. I've tried to call but nobody answers their phones and then when you call back it's on the cell and my cell is a secret cell which means its on silent and i can't answer if my mom is home anyway, so call the house if it is before 10 at night. Anyway, I miss you all so much and I hope and pray that all is well with you.