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When something lifechanging happens I guess I always come here because I can only verbally get so much out without havung a nervous breakdown. And there's only 2 people I can really talk to. And talking does me no good because I cry. And I hate telling the same story. And now the story has changed so its going to be even harder. I can't talk to my dad because he just repeats , its so bad, over and over. Sadly many people both my mother and I thought would pull through in a time like this haven't , and I am actually very very surprised, she isn't. Its sad that times like this you learn so much about people. People you think are close to you. That my work friends , have sent my mom cards , when family haven't even called. Maybe I just expect too much. All I know is , I come home and my house is so quiet and it feels empty and sad. I've never felt anything like it , but it hits me as soon as I walk in the door. And last night was the worst. But tonight was bad too. Ill never get used to it. And im hoping and looking forward to the day it ends. Im usually optimistic , I wish I could say everything could be okay and mean it. How did that 15% chance come through ? These past weeks I have prayed, and I really can't tell you the last time I've prayed, im far from religious. But I guess that put everything out there for me. Why would god do ths to my mother, who has done nothing to hurt anyone. Who has a heart of gold,, gives her all to her job everyday working with the elderly. Does everything for me, im basically spoiled rotten. She takes me to the doctors all the time when im sick stays all night with me at hospitals throughout my redic amount of illnesses. Puts up with all my bullshit, we fight a lot but I still love her so much. She dosnt deserve any of this. I feel awful that my father won't let me go with them but I guess I would just be baggage anyway.
Through alll this im so happy and grateful that I have my patrick I don't know what id do without him id just be home crying all day like I am right now. But when im with him my mind is free.and if I need to talk he's always there he always has something encouring and reassuring to say no matter what. But most of all he just gets my mind off things. Being with him is so different than anyone else. I don't think I could ever explain it no matter how much I tried. Its just so simple , not what I was used to in the past , but the way things should be.
Im dreading 10 hours of work tomorroew because im gunna have to tell the story at least 6 times. Maybe I can get away with the I don't wanna talk about it line. Because I can't be stuck alone in my mind for 10 hours. I always think too much at work, I don't know why.
Through alll this im so happy and grateful that I have my patrick I don't know what id do without him id just be home crying all day like I am right now. But when im with him my mind is free.and if I need to talk he's always there he always has something encouring and reassuring to say no matter what. But most of all he just gets my mind off things. Being with him is so different than anyone else. I don't think I could ever explain it no matter how much I tried. Its just so simple , not what I was used to in the past , but the way things should be.
Im dreading 10 hours of work tomorroew because im gunna have to tell the story at least 6 times. Maybe I can get away with the I don't wanna talk about it line. Because I can't be stuck alone in my mind for 10 hours. I always think too much at work, I don't know why.