(no subject)
Had a sad dream.
This guy and I were on the run. There was some obligation we had that we didn't want to keep. We were also sort of at odds with each other, but we resolved to work together because we shared a common goal. We were racing to find this outcast individual who managed to avoid similar obligations and see how he did it. (At least that's what I got the feeling we were doing) We found where he lived-- an area made mostly of clouds and gleaming white pipes with a spiral staircase leading up to another level of pipes 'n' clouds. We were close. We climbed the stairs, to another level, and another set of stairs.. and another.. Finally we were right beneath where the outcast lived, the ceiling- made of cloud like the other levels, but having those gleaming white pipes going down the length of it, changing thicknesses at joints and having bends and couplings and various plumbing stuff. Since the ceiling was cloud, I could poke my head up through the floor of the outcast's living space. Someone behind us called off the chase since we'd made it to a place where we didn't matter. The authoritative voice asked 'if he's up there'. I looked and from my viewpoint, I saw 2 beds, the frames made of that gleaming white pipe, naturally. One empty, one with a being in it, covered by blankets of cloud. I told him yes, and he left us alone. At this point, the other guy I was with let me just go on alone or something. He ceased to matter at that point in the dream. When I climbed up there through the piping in the 'floor', I saw a man just rising from bed. He looked young, maybe 30-35, but his style was dated. He'd removed himself from society a few decades ago, and somehow, didn't age. I didn't know entirely why I was there at that point. I think most of it was curiosity and to prove I could find this guy.
He knew me, though.
We talked a little bit, and I found he was very kind.
He led me to a small screen and told me he had pictures I'd want to see. Showed me a bunch of him and my mom. His life with her. In them, I learned that the 2 were happy. I found it hard to believe my mom had settled down that much-- The time of the pictures was after my older sister (when she took her and ran from her father to just, start a new life.. I begrudge her that..) and before me.
I found at this point, I was falling for this kind, broken man. We had many things in common.
Among the pictures was one of a truck mostly submerged in a large pool. I recalled hearing about this incident-- Mom was in the truck, and it was an accident, and while she'd made it out ok, the stress of it killed her unborn baby.
This man's child.
He didn't say much about it, but I recounted what I'd heard about it. I also told him that I hadn't really believed it because of her other wild bullshit.
Toward the end of the pictures I noticed -I- came into them.
After conversation over the other pictures, I asked him if he was my father.
No, he wasn't-- The 2 of them didn't last long after the truck/miscarriage incident- mom couldn't bear to look at him. She cast him out and he tried to deal with it, but couldn't. I guess he just still knew her when I was born.
At that point, I looked over the edge of his lair-- it had no walls and he could see everybody going about their lives. I said something about how small the people were. He told me he often thinks that himself.
At this point, I was very depressed. I hadn't found my father and I didn't have much to live for in the real world, having escaped my obligation-- whatever it was-- that would've set the rest of my life for me. I laid my head on his shoulder and said I wished I could stay here-- as if I couldn't-- but he didn't object. Somehow I think if I had stayed in his fortress of solitude, I wouldn't have stopped aging and found the same comfort there as he did.
At the end, someone saw me from below, and beckoned to me-- It was my team lead from work, calling me down to do something.
I woke up at that point.
Recounting my dream made me cry. This dream's meaning was not shrouded in mystery for once. This was about Charlie-- I had a new friend Charles over at my house last night to play D&D with us and I referred to him as Charlie when I was talking to Brian at one point. I felt a pang of grief for Charlie.
It was about Charlie, resentment for my mom not keeping in touch with neither Jess's dad nor mine, and about still not knowing my father.
Charlie was a very broken man, who thought often of the past, and was also very kind.
The moral of the dream? I need to find my dad, I think. I had been putting it off.. I'm still terrified, and I think I HAVE found him, but I think I was also rejected, as he never responded to my letter.
Why did I fall for this guy? Idunno. It's a dream. Father issues? Dunno about that.. Tom's more of a father than I've ever had, so I think I'm pretty much covered on needing fatherly love..
*sigh*
This guy and I were on the run. There was some obligation we had that we didn't want to keep. We were also sort of at odds with each other, but we resolved to work together because we shared a common goal. We were racing to find this outcast individual who managed to avoid similar obligations and see how he did it. (At least that's what I got the feeling we were doing) We found where he lived-- an area made mostly of clouds and gleaming white pipes with a spiral staircase leading up to another level of pipes 'n' clouds. We were close. We climbed the stairs, to another level, and another set of stairs.. and another.. Finally we were right beneath where the outcast lived, the ceiling- made of cloud like the other levels, but having those gleaming white pipes going down the length of it, changing thicknesses at joints and having bends and couplings and various plumbing stuff. Since the ceiling was cloud, I could poke my head up through the floor of the outcast's living space. Someone behind us called off the chase since we'd made it to a place where we didn't matter. The authoritative voice asked 'if he's up there'. I looked and from my viewpoint, I saw 2 beds, the frames made of that gleaming white pipe, naturally. One empty, one with a being in it, covered by blankets of cloud. I told him yes, and he left us alone. At this point, the other guy I was with let me just go on alone or something. He ceased to matter at that point in the dream. When I climbed up there through the piping in the 'floor', I saw a man just rising from bed. He looked young, maybe 30-35, but his style was dated. He'd removed himself from society a few decades ago, and somehow, didn't age. I didn't know entirely why I was there at that point. I think most of it was curiosity and to prove I could find this guy.
He knew me, though.
We talked a little bit, and I found he was very kind.
He led me to a small screen and told me he had pictures I'd want to see. Showed me a bunch of him and my mom. His life with her. In them, I learned that the 2 were happy. I found it hard to believe my mom had settled down that much-- The time of the pictures was after my older sister (when she took her and ran from her father to just, start a new life.. I begrudge her that..) and before me.
I found at this point, I was falling for this kind, broken man. We had many things in common.
Among the pictures was one of a truck mostly submerged in a large pool. I recalled hearing about this incident-- Mom was in the truck, and it was an accident, and while she'd made it out ok, the stress of it killed her unborn baby.
This man's child.
He didn't say much about it, but I recounted what I'd heard about it. I also told him that I hadn't really believed it because of her other wild bullshit.
Toward the end of the pictures I noticed -I- came into them.
After conversation over the other pictures, I asked him if he was my father.
No, he wasn't-- The 2 of them didn't last long after the truck/miscarriage incident- mom couldn't bear to look at him. She cast him out and he tried to deal with it, but couldn't. I guess he just still knew her when I was born.
At that point, I looked over the edge of his lair-- it had no walls and he could see everybody going about their lives. I said something about how small the people were. He told me he often thinks that himself.
At this point, I was very depressed. I hadn't found my father and I didn't have much to live for in the real world, having escaped my obligation-- whatever it was-- that would've set the rest of my life for me. I laid my head on his shoulder and said I wished I could stay here-- as if I couldn't-- but he didn't object. Somehow I think if I had stayed in his fortress of solitude, I wouldn't have stopped aging and found the same comfort there as he did.
At the end, someone saw me from below, and beckoned to me-- It was my team lead from work, calling me down to do something.
I woke up at that point.
Recounting my dream made me cry. This dream's meaning was not shrouded in mystery for once. This was about Charlie-- I had a new friend Charles over at my house last night to play D&D with us and I referred to him as Charlie when I was talking to Brian at one point. I felt a pang of grief for Charlie.
It was about Charlie, resentment for my mom not keeping in touch with neither Jess's dad nor mine, and about still not knowing my father.
Charlie was a very broken man, who thought often of the past, and was also very kind.
The moral of the dream? I need to find my dad, I think. I had been putting it off.. I'm still terrified, and I think I HAVE found him, but I think I was also rejected, as he never responded to my letter.
Why did I fall for this guy? Idunno. It's a dream. Father issues? Dunno about that.. Tom's more of a father than I've ever had, so I think I'm pretty much covered on needing fatherly love..
*sigh*