Сцена из "Мастера и Маргариты"
Warning: во-первых, это вообще не смешно, а во-вторых, смешно только тем, кто понимает американский военный юмор. Если вы, к примеру, смотрели "Сержанта Билко" в оригинале или читали "Уловку-22", that's a start.
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Woland: Who the hell is this guy?
Behemoth: Sir, this is the author of that book...
W: Ah yeah. At ease, soldier. State your rank and mission!
Master: Master sergeant, sir! Honorably discharged from a psych ward, sir!
W: You wrote a damn good book, soldier, you know that?
M: Sir, thank you, sir!
W: Yes, a damn good book. This Pilate character is a fine soldier, isn't he?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: A damn fine soldier, yes. But this Jesus, he is a pussy, a real fucking pussy, man. Why didn't he kick that damn traitor Judas in the nuts, eh?
M: Sir, because he was a pussy, sir!
B: Yeah, instead he kissed the guy, didn't he? Was he a faggot or something?
M: Sir, Jesus didn't kiss nobody, that's a goddamn lie. Permission to kick this damn cat in the nuts, sir!
W: Denied. This damn cat is your new commanding officer, man, so you will show him some respect, do you understand me?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: I also didn't like this Afranius character. Was he FBI? I hate the damn Feds!
B: More like the Secret Service, sir.
W: Hate them too. Anyway. Where was I? Ah yeah. Sergeant, why didn't your Jesus die like a fucking soldier, fighting for freedom of his goddamn country?
M: Sir...
W: I tell you why, soldier. Because he was weak! He was a goddamn civvy, wasn't he? No combat training at all?
M: Sir, no sir!
W: Well, I told you, soldier, and I am telling you again - this is a fine book you wrote. But a fine book with a fucking gay ending, you know what I mean?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: You will write a new one, a straight one.
M: Sir, yes sir! What do you want me to write, sir?
W: Have you seen that goddamn movie, whatsitsname...
M: The Terminator, sir?
W: Yeah, maybe... No, wait. The Gladiator! Have you seen it? It's a damn fine movie, don't you agree?
M: Errr...
W: I said DO YOU AGREE, SOLDIER?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: Then you know what to do. Woland's men don't write books about pussies, remember that, soldier, and remember that good. If this Jesus must die...
Everybody: Must die, must die, this Jesus must die!
W: Shut the fuck up, all of you! Anyway. Where was I? Ah yeah. So. If he must die, he will die like a fucking soldier, understood? Dismissed!
*************************************
Woland: Who the hell is this guy?
Behemoth: Sir, this is the author of that book...
W: Ah yeah. At ease, soldier. State your rank and mission!
Master: Master sergeant, sir! Honorably discharged from a psych ward, sir!
W: You wrote a damn good book, soldier, you know that?
M: Sir, thank you, sir!
W: Yes, a damn good book. This Pilate character is a fine soldier, isn't he?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: A damn fine soldier, yes. But this Jesus, he is a pussy, a real fucking pussy, man. Why didn't he kick that damn traitor Judas in the nuts, eh?
M: Sir, because he was a pussy, sir!
B: Yeah, instead he kissed the guy, didn't he? Was he a faggot or something?
M: Sir, Jesus didn't kiss nobody, that's a goddamn lie. Permission to kick this damn cat in the nuts, sir!
W: Denied. This damn cat is your new commanding officer, man, so you will show him some respect, do you understand me?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: I also didn't like this Afranius character. Was he FBI? I hate the damn Feds!
B: More like the Secret Service, sir.
W: Hate them too. Anyway. Where was I? Ah yeah. Sergeant, why didn't your Jesus die like a fucking soldier, fighting for freedom of his goddamn country?
M: Sir...
W: I tell you why, soldier. Because he was weak! He was a goddamn civvy, wasn't he? No combat training at all?
M: Sir, no sir!
W: Well, I told you, soldier, and I am telling you again - this is a fine book you wrote. But a fine book with a fucking gay ending, you know what I mean?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: You will write a new one, a straight one.
M: Sir, yes sir! What do you want me to write, sir?
W: Have you seen that goddamn movie, whatsitsname...
M: The Terminator, sir?
W: Yeah, maybe... No, wait. The Gladiator! Have you seen it? It's a damn fine movie, don't you agree?
M: Errr...
W: I said DO YOU AGREE, SOLDIER?
M: Sir, yes sir!
W: Then you know what to do. Woland's men don't write books about pussies, remember that, soldier, and remember that good. If this Jesus must die...
Everybody: Must die, must die, this Jesus must die!
W: Shut the fuck up, all of you! Anyway. Where was I? Ah yeah. So. If he must die, he will die like a fucking soldier, understood? Dismissed!