It's no surprise...
... that I didn't sleep well last night. Tried to read, not interested, tried to Watch Dr Who and the Dalek Invasion of Earth, it just annoyed me. Eating helped, but I wasn't going to over do that. I tried to sleep but just tossed and turned till some unGodly hour of the morning, and now I'm up at 6am, doing another LiveJournal.
I did come to a realization though. For a long time I've been telling myself that I still like my ex-wife, and that I was friends with her, but the truth is I don't like her at all. Not the tinniest bit. In fact, I really don't feel much of anything about her. I don't like the way she encourages my kids to keep away from me, and I don't like the way she encourages my son's lack of interest in school. Towards her though, there's nothing.
So I made a decision - no more pretense. I'm done pretending that I like her. Done with all the pleasantries and politeness. In some way, this has freed something in me. I guess, in a way, I still held on to something from our relationship. I know I tried to keep things really nice and lovey-lovey for my kids, but all that has gotten me is grief.
I'll keep sending her child support of course. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been good about it, but I have been for ages now, regardless of how little money I have to live MY life, I make sure that she gets what the Government says I have to give her. I fact I send just over double what the Government says I should be giving her. I'll even keep sending my kids birthday presents and Christmas presents. I did entertain the idea of cutting that off as well, but ya know, buggered if I'm going to be accused of not caring for them enough not to send them gifts. My Dad hasn't gotten me a birthday or Christmas gift since I was about 13, and I know how shitty that feels, so I'm not passing that on.
I didn't send them anything for Easter though. To me, Easter is a religious festival, not a chocolate festival. Both of my kids take great delight in telling me that they don't believe in God, because they know it upsets me.
It's gonna take me some time to process everything that went on last night. I feel miserable and crappy this morning, and want nothing more but to crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to do that though. I know exactly where THAT will lead, and I'm not going to let this develop into a downward spiral into depression. I haven't had a depression cycle in years, and this will not be the cause of a new one.
I did come to a realization though. For a long time I've been telling myself that I still like my ex-wife, and that I was friends with her, but the truth is I don't like her at all. Not the tinniest bit. In fact, I really don't feel much of anything about her. I don't like the way she encourages my kids to keep away from me, and I don't like the way she encourages my son's lack of interest in school. Towards her though, there's nothing.
So I made a decision - no more pretense. I'm done pretending that I like her. Done with all the pleasantries and politeness. In some way, this has freed something in me. I guess, in a way, I still held on to something from our relationship. I know I tried to keep things really nice and lovey-lovey for my kids, but all that has gotten me is grief.
I'll keep sending her child support of course. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been good about it, but I have been for ages now, regardless of how little money I have to live MY life, I make sure that she gets what the Government says I have to give her. I fact I send just over double what the Government says I should be giving her. I'll even keep sending my kids birthday presents and Christmas presents. I did entertain the idea of cutting that off as well, but ya know, buggered if I'm going to be accused of not caring for them enough not to send them gifts. My Dad hasn't gotten me a birthday or Christmas gift since I was about 13, and I know how shitty that feels, so I'm not passing that on.
I didn't send them anything for Easter though. To me, Easter is a religious festival, not a chocolate festival. Both of my kids take great delight in telling me that they don't believe in God, because they know it upsets me.
It's gonna take me some time to process everything that went on last night. I feel miserable and crappy this morning, and want nothing more but to crawl back into bed and feel sorry for myself. I'm not going to do that though. I know exactly where THAT will lead, and I'm not going to let this develop into a downward spiral into depression. I haven't had a depression cycle in years, and this will not be the cause of a new one.