Feelings of Relationships Lost
My little sister likes this 17 year old at her high school, he drives a car, and he can get a job, though he just lost two seasonal ones. HE doesn't know that she likes him. In fact, Nicole is starting to believe that he likes me, but I am far too old, and I am taken, as far as I know. She asked me if I have ever talked to someone so much and about so much, that there is this long silence in conversations, where neither one speaks, just listens. All that happens is breathing. sighing. nothing. everything.
I told her yes. Many times.
I was probably 15 years old in the middle of the summer, maybe closer to September than I would like, because I know school must have started, or was close to it, and it was very late, I should have been sleeping. I don't remember if Ian called me or if I called him but I remember sitting on my driveway outside looking up at the sky, getting fidgety, going up the stairs to the patio, watching the tops of trees, sitting on the ledge of the balcony/patio, where my parents always hate that i still sit up there when on the patio, up there, chairs don't seem right. I suppose they didn't seem right then either. Ian was in the middle of a crisis, where he liked "3" girls he said, and I was like "wow. lucky girls. Before I even knew that Ian could possibly like me at all, because I thought very poorly of myself and also thought that he would only like people that were like Amanda, and I suppose I never really felt much like Amanda, or maybe I just thought I was worse than Amanda in many ways and therefore thought.. I didn't stand a chance. I guess I didn't even think that I could like Ian, after all I was busy trying to fight for Erik, and by that time I might have even had Erik back, temporarily. Regardless, I was nieve, and didn't believe that he could like me, so phone calls late at night, about his girl problems seemed completely innocent to me. Before the phone call Ian had been talking about things being too hard to bear, I still asssume it was the girlfriend problem. Its funny how when you feel distressed it makes you say crazy things like, "Your boat is sinking" .. Can't you see, this boat is sinking. The main gist of that conversation was that Ian liked Amanda but she wasn't talking to him, he liked Emily, but she was sending the wrong signals, something like "I like you, but I don't know how much and whatfor". and that.. I was a problem. Because he thought he might grow to like me.. a lot. "hrm". Lindsay beginning to realize that talks on the phone in the dark of the night are a bad thing. That was way before Ian and I could talk and not talk. WE still had everything to ssay, and I Think the only real silence that night was Ian saying under his breath, so he thought I couldn't hear him say "I love you" and I stopped.
...
...
...
That was the only silence. That was it.
Years later, talking to Andy in the parking lot of Krispy Kreme, Gurnee or Mundelein seemed all too familiar. Just because, he was talking about his girl problems. Heather and how she was spreading rumors about him, and he had been lookign for something to hold on to to take him away from whatever the heck was ailing him. He said later, that I was an answer to a prayer. I was an answer to one of his prayers. Go figure. I thought I was helping. BUt it turns out that all I had to be was there.
I listen to girl problems too much, maybe that's why I become the girl problems.
This started it out as something much different, but I wish I could give nicole all the advice I have in me. Dont' be me. Don't idolize me, don't ask me about guys, just go with your gut because it's gottta be better than what I did. When I tell the story about IAn and I to anyone that didn't sit back and live it with us they sit with their eyes open and their jaws dropped like "what" " why did you do that!?" "why'd you move to green bay", "are you crazy" and I still think the answer was yes. I was crazy. I probably still am. in fact. I think maybe I've been crazy the entire time and I am only now realizing it. I've been this person for a long time, I just found her recently. I would not take back the jumping into a cold pool that I experienced with jumping into a relationship with Ian, the immediateness of it made it that much crazier, and that much... deeper. After all, Love is Deep right? Love is a Wild Ride. Love is ..
I don't even think I would take back what happened with Andy because it was a choice I make and there is no good reason to live your life thinkin gwhat if, and what could have been. I wish I had done things differently, and burned less bridges, and kept more things sacred, and kept myself sacred. But I didn't. and Mending is the hardest part. Mending a relationship that needed mending a long time ago and it didn't get it. Rick Rack. try to double stitch. Go in reverse, double knot. Make the bond stronger, ... Hem. Mend. Fix. Repair. Rework. TAke a seam ripper, finish taking out all the seams. and pin them together, and run them through a sewing machine until the bond doesn't pull apart.
I told her yes. Many times.
I was probably 15 years old in the middle of the summer, maybe closer to September than I would like, because I know school must have started, or was close to it, and it was very late, I should have been sleeping. I don't remember if Ian called me or if I called him but I remember sitting on my driveway outside looking up at the sky, getting fidgety, going up the stairs to the patio, watching the tops of trees, sitting on the ledge of the balcony/patio, where my parents always hate that i still sit up there when on the patio, up there, chairs don't seem right. I suppose they didn't seem right then either. Ian was in the middle of a crisis, where he liked "3" girls he said, and I was like "wow. lucky girls. Before I even knew that Ian could possibly like me at all, because I thought very poorly of myself and also thought that he would only like people that were like Amanda, and I suppose I never really felt much like Amanda, or maybe I just thought I was worse than Amanda in many ways and therefore thought.. I didn't stand a chance. I guess I didn't even think that I could like Ian, after all I was busy trying to fight for Erik, and by that time I might have even had Erik back, temporarily. Regardless, I was nieve, and didn't believe that he could like me, so phone calls late at night, about his girl problems seemed completely innocent to me. Before the phone call Ian had been talking about things being too hard to bear, I still asssume it was the girlfriend problem. Its funny how when you feel distressed it makes you say crazy things like, "Your boat is sinking" .. Can't you see, this boat is sinking. The main gist of that conversation was that Ian liked Amanda but she wasn't talking to him, he liked Emily, but she was sending the wrong signals, something like "I like you, but I don't know how much and whatfor". and that.. I was a problem. Because he thought he might grow to like me.. a lot. "hrm". Lindsay beginning to realize that talks on the phone in the dark of the night are a bad thing. That was way before Ian and I could talk and not talk. WE still had everything to ssay, and I Think the only real silence that night was Ian saying under his breath, so he thought I couldn't hear him say "I love you" and I stopped.
...
...
...
That was the only silence. That was it.
Years later, talking to Andy in the parking lot of Krispy Kreme, Gurnee or Mundelein seemed all too familiar. Just because, he was talking about his girl problems. Heather and how she was spreading rumors about him, and he had been lookign for something to hold on to to take him away from whatever the heck was ailing him. He said later, that I was an answer to a prayer. I was an answer to one of his prayers. Go figure. I thought I was helping. BUt it turns out that all I had to be was there.
I listen to girl problems too much, maybe that's why I become the girl problems.
This started it out as something much different, but I wish I could give nicole all the advice I have in me. Dont' be me. Don't idolize me, don't ask me about guys, just go with your gut because it's gottta be better than what I did. When I tell the story about IAn and I to anyone that didn't sit back and live it with us they sit with their eyes open and their jaws dropped like "what" " why did you do that!?" "why'd you move to green bay", "are you crazy" and I still think the answer was yes. I was crazy. I probably still am. in fact. I think maybe I've been crazy the entire time and I am only now realizing it. I've been this person for a long time, I just found her recently. I would not take back the jumping into a cold pool that I experienced with jumping into a relationship with Ian, the immediateness of it made it that much crazier, and that much... deeper. After all, Love is Deep right? Love is a Wild Ride. Love is ..
I don't even think I would take back what happened with Andy because it was a choice I make and there is no good reason to live your life thinkin gwhat if, and what could have been. I wish I had done things differently, and burned less bridges, and kept more things sacred, and kept myself sacred. But I didn't. and Mending is the hardest part. Mending a relationship that needed mending a long time ago and it didn't get it. Rick Rack. try to double stitch. Go in reverse, double knot. Make the bond stronger, ... Hem. Mend. Fix. Repair. Rework. TAke a seam ripper, finish taking out all the seams. and pin them together, and run them through a sewing machine until the bond doesn't pull apart.