Long awaited update, yet again.
Everyone comes to a point in their lives when they stop and take a look, and wonder has it all worth it.
I suppose, in the end, I will say yes, even if that's not how I feel
I've been thinking a lot these last couple of weeks, taking a look at what I've built here in this city; friendships, duties, family, relationships... I've come to the realization that I need something else. My only problem is I don't know what.
My job is trudging along as always. So far I've made it through two lay-off sessions and a set of store closures, but with business still heading steadily on that nose-dive, and no turn-around for at least 3 more years, I'm not sure if I want to stay with the company. I like my job, and I'd love to keep it. For the most part, my co-workers are great, and although my manager can be an ass, he's a decent guy to have to work with. But after playing the political game there to ensure that I do have some job security, I've grown rather tired of the whole thing.
My latest breakup has pretty much left me broken. After hearing from someone for three years that you're the only person they want to be with, then having them leave you, to jump into another relationship after a month, with someone whom they've told you they'd never had any feelings for outside of a long-term friendship. It's left me feeling lied to, betrayed, and completely shattered. This of course then leads me to ask myself if I was the problem to begin with, if I'm not worth it. Not worth the hassle. I've been told that that isn't the case, but quite frankly, actions speak louder than words, and the actions that have been shown are screaming. Of course, when ones emotions are involved, some things get said that probably shouldn't be, and that has happened, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm sorry I haven't helped the overall situation, but what is done is done, and while I see him being happy, so unlike the way he was with me... It just brings it all round full circle. It's something I don't like to see of myself; wouldn't think anyone else would of themselves, either. I think the hardest thing about this is that I still love him. A part of me always will. But that same part of me hates him, and all for the same reasons, too.
Game most recently for me has started seeming a chore. Something that people expect me to do, rather than something I *want* to do. I don't know if it's just the need of a different character, or just need to drop it all together for a while. I tried that before, and really only came back because people kept bugging me about it. I'm pretty sure I still need more of a break.
I know this post will upset a couple, intrigue a few, and in some cases, be completely pointless to others (those of you who haven't heard from/seen me post in years). I've done the whole 'disappear without notice' act before, and I know it tends to piss people off more than anything else, which makes them hunt me down. Heh. But the thing is, I don't want to disappear. I want to figure some things out for myself. I'd like some company, of some sort, but the few who offer to come around always do (not that that is a bad thing, but some different faces would be welcome!), and some of those whom I'd love to see more of are never available.
More often than not, with it being summer, I find myself sitting at home, roommates gone, trying not to go stir-crazy. Heh. At least in a month or so it will be a bit more pleasant outside, and I'll be more inclined to just go somewhere for the sake of going.
I guess when it's all boiled down, this post is pretty much an explanation as to why I may be suddenly contacting some of you, or why you may not be hearing from me at all. Trying to change things up, do something different, see what I really need to get out of this rut.
I suppose, in the end, I will say yes, even if that's not how I feel
I've been thinking a lot these last couple of weeks, taking a look at what I've built here in this city; friendships, duties, family, relationships... I've come to the realization that I need something else. My only problem is I don't know what.
My job is trudging along as always. So far I've made it through two lay-off sessions and a set of store closures, but with business still heading steadily on that nose-dive, and no turn-around for at least 3 more years, I'm not sure if I want to stay with the company. I like my job, and I'd love to keep it. For the most part, my co-workers are great, and although my manager can be an ass, he's a decent guy to have to work with. But after playing the political game there to ensure that I do have some job security, I've grown rather tired of the whole thing.
My latest breakup has pretty much left me broken. After hearing from someone for three years that you're the only person they want to be with, then having them leave you, to jump into another relationship after a month, with someone whom they've told you they'd never had any feelings for outside of a long-term friendship. It's left me feeling lied to, betrayed, and completely shattered. This of course then leads me to ask myself if I was the problem to begin with, if I'm not worth it. Not worth the hassle. I've been told that that isn't the case, but quite frankly, actions speak louder than words, and the actions that have been shown are screaming. Of course, when ones emotions are involved, some things get said that probably shouldn't be, and that has happened, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm sorry I haven't helped the overall situation, but what is done is done, and while I see him being happy, so unlike the way he was with me... It just brings it all round full circle. It's something I don't like to see of myself; wouldn't think anyone else would of themselves, either. I think the hardest thing about this is that I still love him. A part of me always will. But that same part of me hates him, and all for the same reasons, too.
Game most recently for me has started seeming a chore. Something that people expect me to do, rather than something I *want* to do. I don't know if it's just the need of a different character, or just need to drop it all together for a while. I tried that before, and really only came back because people kept bugging me about it. I'm pretty sure I still need more of a break.
I know this post will upset a couple, intrigue a few, and in some cases, be completely pointless to others (those of you who haven't heard from/seen me post in years). I've done the whole 'disappear without notice' act before, and I know it tends to piss people off more than anything else, which makes them hunt me down. Heh. But the thing is, I don't want to disappear. I want to figure some things out for myself. I'd like some company, of some sort, but the few who offer to come around always do (not that that is a bad thing, but some different faces would be welcome!), and some of those whom I'd love to see more of are never available.
More often than not, with it being summer, I find myself sitting at home, roommates gone, trying not to go stir-crazy. Heh. At least in a month or so it will be a bit more pleasant outside, and I'll be more inclined to just go somewhere for the sake of going.
I guess when it's all boiled down, this post is pretty much an explanation as to why I may be suddenly contacting some of you, or why you may not be hearing from me at all. Trying to change things up, do something different, see what I really need to get out of this rut.