Nu #10, Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 2
No.: 10
Name: Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 2
Author: manaika
Series: Hakuoki
Pairing: Shinpachi/Sanosuke
Rating: older teens, see warnings.
Warnings: Toba-Fushimi scenes, meaning spoiler, character death and loads of angst. Further it’s yaoi, so guy loves guy scenes, cursing
Summary: Made for 30kisses, list Nu/acquisition. #10. Sometimes foolish decisions can ruin your life, but make it so there won’t be regrets.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki, or any of it’s characters. The creators do. My muse owns the idea of the fic, myself the work and the time I put into writing it. Credit me at least those, ok?
Notes
The last part might differ slightly, since I wrote it several months ago. But I have to say I feel higly accomplished. I have written two shots in one day. It gives me hope.
Set during Toba Fushimi, episode 12.
Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 2
#10. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer
He had been right. They didn’t have time to spare.
After Kondo-san’s injury and the incident with Okita that no one dared to name, things were a chaos and before they knew it, they were caught in the middle of Toba-Fushimi. For two weeks now Sano had been waiting to get off Shinpachi’s shit list, was waiting for another chance. Not that he had much time to wait, that was. The SaCho alliance had been moving lately and the Shinsengumi had their hands full with trying to subdue them.
And now this.
Sounds of battle were coming from everywhere, audible even behind the thick walls of their headquarters. The tenth unit was supposed to be in reserve, coming to aid wherever it was necessary. It made Sano crazy. He was here behind the walls and out there his comrades were dieing. Maybe Shinpachi was dieing.
He thought of Shinpachi.
He thought of their fight.
He thought of the charm Sano gave him, before Shinpachi headed out, the one he got from Saito to bring him luck with his beloved.
Kami-sama, he was so pathetic...
A sudden commotion caught his attention.
A messenger had arrived, reporting now to Hijikata. The man was familiar to Sano. A sense of dread filled him and as he listened to the man talk, his blood froze.
„Second unit reporting! Rushed into battle...Completely...surrounded...weapons...wide range...Need back-up.“ And he fainted. Sano saw the blood soak the man’s sky blue haori a deep shade of red.
He saw Hijikata shake.
„I’ll go.“ He announced.
Hijikata looked at him.
„The second unit is essential to the shinsengumi with their fighting skills, we cannot afford to loose them.“
Hijikata eyed him for a few moments. Then the comander nodded.
„Go.“
Sano bolted out of the gates and upon his command, the whole unit was following him.
ox*xo
He was such a fool, Shinpachi thought, as he parried the blade of another enemy. Blood was everywhere, the men around him were dieing and he himself didn’t know if he was alive, or just moving automatically. He let his emotions get the better of him for a moment, he acted too hurriedly and now his men were paying with their lives for it. He was such a wretched leader... He wanted to forget, just for a single moment forget that he still hadn’t talked to Sano, that he hadn’t told him how he loved him and forgave him, even when he had the chance...
The charm in his pocket felt heavy as lead.
Now it seemed, that he never will tell him that. Even if the back-up they requested should arrive soon.
Because he was such a fool.
„Sorry, everyone!“ he shouted, his wounded soul seeking forgiveness by those he made suffer. „Your friggin’ reckless unit captain’s gonna drag you through the pits of hell!“
„C’mon, that’s nothing new!“ he heard his corporal, his friend of a long time say. „An unit captain shouldn’t talk like that!“ Of course Shimada knew what he had been through. This was his way of telling him to get his act together, that it would be alright. He wasn’t alone. Shinpachi smiled gratefully.
A reckless fool like him didn’t deserve to have such a friend.
The enemies were rounding on them and they stood side by side. They were surrounded. With no means of escape. The only way out for them, was to break through.
And so Shinpachi lead them, lead them with a raised sword and they clashed with the enemy. Almost there.
That was when gunshot errupted and he heard the last groans of his mean, when they fell, shot down from a distance that seemed impossible. Shinpachi was shocked. The latest weaponry that the SaCho disponated with was frightening. And that was when he knew this was it.
They were dead.
He would never see Sano again.
He would never tell him...
And just then a familiar spear appeared from behind the corner and bored itself into the son-of-a-bitch that was pointing his gun at Shinpachi.
He couldn’t believe his eyes.
„Shinpachi!“ the strength of the familiar voice resonated through the street. „The tenth unit will guard your back! Now go and wreak some havoc!“
The relief of hearing that voice was impossible to describe.
Even in spite of the distance between them, Shinpachi knew he was looking directly into Sano’s eyes as he grinned victoriously. Sano was here. With him. They were together again. Nothing could stop him now.
He cut down the enemy he had been struggling with a minute ago with a warrior’s cry, new determination pounding in his veins as he lead his mean to safety.
And he knew then, that no matter what, Sano wouldn’t leave him. Never again. Not anymore.
ox*xo
They lost sight of each other in the battle, but Sano stabbed every enemy he saw, did everything in his might to assure Shinpachi’s safe return to the headquarters, even if he knew they were fighting against the odds. How did things become like this, he wondered, as he parried an oponent’s sword. Where was the time of the dream, that careless time of long nights, bright stars and expensive sake?
He looked around.
The half of his men was already gone and SaCho soldiers were getting more and more by the minute. He cursed. If Shinpachi managed to break through and clear a path for the headquarters, it should be done by now. Right now he should be on his way back to the quarters. If not... Sano stopped the thought right there. No time to think about that. He needed to get his men out.
„We’re going back! Everyone stop fooling around and finish their oponents off! We have more important business to do than to play around whole day!!!“ he bellowed and a chorus of agreements resonated through the air. He smirked. The day where the tenth unit of the Shinsengumi went down was yet to come.
On their way back, they met Saito. The captain of the third unit had also considerably less men than he started with, Sano noted dully.
„How did it go?“ he asked, as their backs met, their weapons turned to the enemies.
„We couldn’t do anything.“ Saito pressed out of himself.
Sano barred his teeth at how much truth that sentence hid. It could be the catchword for the entire day. But they still kept fighting as it was the only thing they could do. There was nothing else left for them.
Somehow they managed to break through the SaCho and return to the headquarters with a handfull of men, where Hijikata-san and Chizuru greeted them.
Saito explained the situation, but Sano only had eyes for the wounded man that was drapped across his back, with the thought that it could have been Shinpachi. Everyone who died could have been Shinpachi.
Where was he?
Why wasn’t he waiting for him at the gates?
Maybe because he wasn’t back yet?
Sano paled at the thought at what that meant.
„Shinpachi!“ He needed to confirm it. „Shinpachi isn’t back yet?!“
„No...“ Gen-san answered him and it was like a stab into his heart. The sound of explosion errupted in the distance. He couldn’t but look away, the pain of what that meant too strong.
ox*xo
Everyone was gathered in the conference room, listening to Saito’s report, as they were deciding on their next steps. Everyone had frowns on their faces at the thought of what might be with the most reckless and hot-headed unit captain as Saito described the range of the newest weaponry.
„Two of three bullets hit their targets, even from considerable distances.“
Sano tried to imagine it.
„If a volley of them came firing from above all at once...“
It was impossible. He closed his eyes, trying to chase away the images in his head. No way...
„It’d be horrible.“ He heard Chizuru say. „Does that mean that Nagakura-san and Shimada-san are...?“ she trailed off, not able to finish the sentence, afraid to say it out aloud, to accept what it meant.
Sano thought about accepting the fact that he would never kiss Shinpachi again. Never tell him... Words unsaid piled up in the back of his throat and made him sick and want to scream.
Shinpachi...
„Yo.“
The word cut through the silence of the room like an explosion. Everyone looked up in disbelief at the source of that cheerfull voice.
„We just got back.“
„Shinpachi?!“
Sano knew he was gaping, but he didn’t give a damn. He resisted the urge to pinch himself.
„What’s with you?“ there mild humor in Shinpachi’s voice, as if the sheer relief of being back from the nightmare made the face that everything had been real easier to bear. „I’m not a ghost. I’ve still got my feet.“ He tried a joke and that was when Sano finally believed it - Shinpachi was alive and well. Well enough to joke.
His lover sat down.
„It was a nightmare.“ He started and Sano’s smile fell. The battle had been horrible and even if they could forget it for a moment, nothing could undo the slaughter and terror it brought. „They had it raining iron bullets at us. There was no way we could break into their headquarters.“ There was no way, huh? Sano saw Shinpachi’s expression as the clear, blue eyes opened, realising what had been the stake and the cost. „In the end, I sent a bunch of men to their deaths.“
No one said anything, no one found the right words to make it better. Because there were no such words in the face of truth.
An explosion that errupted really near the headquarters tore them out of their reverie. Smoke was dragging along the ground.
„It looks like we no longer live in an age of sword and spears.“
The truth of that statement hit Sano like a bucket of ice, as he watched the blood seep through the vice-commander’s bandages from how hard he clutched his sword. The times were changing, a new age was knocking on their doorstep and there was no room left for the Shinsengumi on the wheel of the turning time. They lost. All that was left to do, was fight ’till the end.
„We are going to retreat.“ Hijikata-san announced, to everyone’s surprise. „But we haven’t lost yet!“ he pounded the hilt into the wooden ground resolutely like he was stabbing the Heart of the SaCho alliance with it. „They’ll pay for this.“
The determination made everyone nod in agreement, ready to follow their vice-captain...no, their commander, Sano corrected himself, wherever he lead them. But it couldn’t erase the seed of doubt that had planted itself in Sano’s heart. After what he had seen, he felt rather sceptic about the outcome of this war. But maybe it was just his current pessimism. If Hijikata-san, with all of the burdens and responsibilities he had to carry nowadays, still had enough determination to be ready to see this through, Sano was too.
ox*xo
He was resting against a pillar, waiting for the orders for retreat to sound, once the reinforcements arrived and the rasetsu unit announced the path was clear, when Shinpachi approached him.
„Sano.“
He opened his eyes and raised his head to look at his comrade.
„Shinpachi.“
„May I?“ the brunette asked, gesturing to the ground next to him.
Sano nodded and straightened a little to give Shinpachi more space.
Once the other was seated, companioble silence settle between them, like it used to be, but not for too long.
„Did you want something?“ Sano asked.
Shinpachi nodded. „Yeah.“ He turned to look into Sano’s golden eyes. „Sano, I...“ he trailed off, searching for the right words. „Concerning our conversation at the back yard...“
Sano felt his heart speed up, beating with hope.
„As we were out there, fighting and with a rain of iron pounding into our bodies, I realized that...“ he trailed off as a presence appered beside them. Their hands reached for their weapons instantly.
„It’s me.“
They relaxed at the familiar voice.
„Saito?“
„I’m sorry to disturb, but it’s an urgent emergency.“
And upon seeing the serious expression on the otherwise stoic and collected face, they knew it was.
„Yamazaki was here. The Yodo clan betrayed us, they sided with the SaCho.“
They both froze with shock.
„Hijikata-san is out there to get Yukimura-kun and Gen-san back, Yamazaki went after him to prevent a possible disaster, but he said he needed back-up. Possibly someone strong to subdue Hijikata-san. There’s no telling what our commander will do with the current emotions in his heart.“
Shinpachi and Sanosuke bolted up, hands grasped tightly in their hands.
They have seen the expression on their commander’s face during the battle. The expression of utter sadness and despair for loosing those that had been with him for so long...
But nothing could prepare them for what they came in sight with as they arrived at place, Gen-san dead in the puddle of his own blood, Yamazaki bloodied and barely cosnscious in Chizuru’s arms and Hijikata-san looking like he was about to collapse under the giant, invisible weight that pressed on his shoulders, as they slumped.
„Hijikata-san!“
„What the hell happened?!“ Sano really wanted to know. This was the worst scene he had come across that day and that spoke volumes.
„Take care of Yamazaki.“ Was the answer and Sano had trouble believing that the rough, low voice belonged to the demon-vice Hijikata.
As Shinpachi obliged and the severeness of the wound on the back of their ninja spy was revealed, they gasped in horror.
„This looks bad.“
„Vice-comander, what exactly happened here?“ Saito asked as he looked at the dead body of their comrade, of the one who had been so old and wise and now dead.
„I never thought I would sacrifice a subordinate for my own survival...“
None of them eve rthough that and yet today it had happened too often to count. Half of their men was dead, another half uncertain. A unit captain was dead, their best spy and medic probably dieing. And their tall commander, who had always been like a rock in the hurricane, looked so...tired of life. Sano wondered what else would encounter them at the end of this dark day. Though, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.
ox*xo
He and Shinpachi took their wounded comrade as the others proceeded to dig a grave for the fallen one. They had been ordered to go to Osaka for medical treatment and meet up with Kondo-san for further orders. The weight of their wounded comrade was heavy between them, his presence reminding them of what was and what could have been.
„Have you...have you two made up?“ A weak voice interrupted Sano’s thoughts and they looked between them in awe. They didn’t expect Yamazaki to say a word. He shouldn’t even have strength left to do that.
„You shouldn’t talk.“ Shinpachi said. „Save your breath and strength.“
„Have you two...made...up?“ Damn it, that guy was stubborn as hell. It was probably better they gave him an answer and let him have his peace.
Juts...what was the answer?
They looked at each other.
What would happen now?
There were still unspoken words between them, words that needed to be said.
„You should...talk...it out.“ Yamazaki was panting, his voice getting weaker. „Don’t...don’t let...not like this...“
„Yamazaki, you really should shut your trap and rest.“ Shinpachi tried to reason.
„We are alright with each other.“ Sano found himself saying. He looked deep into Shinpachi’s eyes, searching for confirmation...for certainity. Shinpachi just stared at him for a long moment. Then there was a smile and a nod.
„I’m glad...“ After this, Yamazaki said no more.
Words were still untold between them, but things were alright. They would pull through. They would get the time to say what was untold.
ox*xo
They didn’t find the time untill on the ship that would sail them over to Edo. With their supreme commader gone, the rasetsu unit annihilated, their best men wounded, it was meaningless to continue the battle. A few hours of rest before the fight would continue it’s viscious existence.
Sano found Shinpachi in one of the rooms, just standing there, eyes cast somewhere into distance. However his look focused again as Sano stepped in, closing the door behind himself.
He approached Shinpachi and laid a hand on his shoulder. For a while nither of them knew what to say. They Shinpachi pulled out a small object out of his pocket and showed it into Sano’s face. It was the lucky charm.
„You gave me this, yeah?“
„Yeah.“ Sano breathed, wondering what this was about.
„It felt heavy in my pocket. It kept reminding me of you. It kept reminding me...that there’s still something I haven’t told you, still something left for me to do. It probably saved my life. Thank you.“
Sano couldn’t but smile.
„Saito will like to hear that. He made me accept it, saying that he’s sure it will bring me as much luck as it brought him. I don’t really think he believes in such superstitions, but it seems to have served a purpose. I’ll have to thank him later.“
Shinpachi put it into his pocket again.
And before he could stop it, word were pouring out of Sano. „I was afraid you would die. That I would hear about your death a minute later. I was afraid. Afraid that I would lose you without telling you how sorry I am and how much I love you.“
Their eyes met and Shinpachi was surprised to find Sano’s shining.
„So I’m telling you now: I’m sorry I made you mad. I love you. I’m sorry I cheated on you. I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you. I love you, Shinpachi and I’m truly sorry for everything. I might be a fool, but I’m not stupid. What happened to Yamazaki can happen to any of us.“ He put his arms around the broad shoulder and he felt strong arms encircle his waist. „And I don’t want it to happen without you knowing all of this.“
„He isn’t dead yet.“
„Yes, yet. Be reasonable Shinpachi.“
Shinpachi didn’t say anything just looked away. „Sano I...I know I’ve been an ass. I know you have always prefered woman and I know you love me. It’s true that it wasn’t right to cheat on me, but right now I can’t bring myself to care. Right now the only thing that matters is that you are safe and in my arms. That you aren’t dead. That you didn’t die out there, like the many men I led today...“
Sano felt the hold around him tighten and he returned the squeeze with equal strength.
„Sano?“
„Yeah?“
„Let’s always be together.“
Sano smiled one of those sad smiles. „Yeah. Untill death do us part.“ Shinpachi tensed and Sano stroked his back calmingly. „And Shinpachi?“
„What’s it?“
„Promise me, that it won’t be you to go first.“
Sano swore he felt the lump that formed in Shinpachi’s throat as he realized what was Sano asking him. But Sano wasn’t backing down.
„Promise me you won’t let me see your death.“ Their eyes met again, Sano’s full of sincerity. „I don’t want to live longer than you.“
„That’s a selfish request.“
„Your’s wasn’t any better.“
„That’s true.“ Then Shinpachi nodded. „Alright. If I can ask something selfish, you should too. It’s fair. And after all, it seems we have only little time left. We should be doing selfish things more often, now that we can die any moment.“
They smiled at each other.
And as if on cue, as if there had been an agreement between them, they said in unison, their voices sounding like one:
„I love you.“
And then, they kissed.
A sure press of lips against lips, real and honest and there, sure as the new day come. They held their breath, savoring the moment within them. The only noise around them was the squeeking of the wooden bricks, the whisper of the ocean’s waves and the faint sound of Chizuru’s chatter from the room next to them. Everything seemed alright, like they were at the beginning of a random day.
The sound of shattering brought them back to reality and they broke apart.
It came from the room next to them. The only one who could have dropped it, was Chizuru, because Yamazaki was lying in the bed. But Chizuru rarely dropped anything, only when she startled, or got surprised. What it meant in this case, they didn’t dare to guess. There was the sound of rushed footsteps and then a moment of silence.
And then a heartwrenching cry of agony that shattered their hopes into a million tiny pieces of shards, just like that mug moments ago.
Sano buried his face in the crook of Shinpachi’s neck, while taking hold of the front of his kataginu and Shinpachi gritted his teeth and clutched the back of Sano’s dofuku. They didn’t need to hear it, to know what happened.
Shinpachi felt a single drop, hot and wet fall into the crook of his neck and slide down his chest, pausing only above his heart and Sano heard a small hitch of breath, a choking sound pass the gritted teeth, just by his ear.
-x-
Not an hour later they were up on the deck, staring at the bandaged form of their comrade, bound to the board that would carry it down to the bottom of the sea.
Yamazaki was dead.
All Sano could think of was, ’it could have been Shinpachi.’
All Shinpachi could think of was, ’it could have been Sano.’
Together, not saying anything, just seeking assurance by the other’s presence, they took the board and pushed it over the rail. They watched as it slowly disappeared into the sea, fading away into the blue depths.
Shinpachi’s voice broke the silence, rough with emotions, rough with what he had seen, rough with what had happened, rough with loss and pain.
„A bunch of our comrades have died fighting for the Bakufu. It’s like they’ve died in vain.“
Come to think of it, out of everything they were doing, what wasn’t in vain, Sano contemplated.
But right now he didn’t have the strength to think about it. For now the only thing he focused on, was standing upright. His knees felt weak and he didn’t want anything, but his mind wander into darkness, forgetting just for a while everything that had happened.
But he couldn’t. Their comrades deserved to be remembered.
If it had been Shinpachi and not Yamazaki floating to the grounds of cold water, Sano would have wished in a moment of weakness to forgett everything about him. But at the same time he knew, that the thought of forgeting, would have hurt more than any pain the loss of his beloved could have given him. Because Shinpachi’s existence was everything Sano would have left of him. And this thought alone drove him forward.
Everything had been real. And even if it now seemed like a nightmare, many things that happened have been good. And it were those good things that were worth fighting and dieing for. And Sano knew their fallen comrades would have agreed, dieing in vain or not.
Sano stared into the water, colored by the sunrise into a deep azure hue, much like Shinpachi’s eyes.
And he decided.
He would stay with Shinpachi, fight next to him, fight for him. And for him, he would die. And Sano promised himself to make sure, it wouldn’t be in vain.
Previous parts are HERE
Name: Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 2
Author: manaika
Series: Hakuoki
Pairing: Shinpachi/Sanosuke
Rating: older teens, see warnings.
Warnings: Toba-Fushimi scenes, meaning spoiler, character death and loads of angst. Further it’s yaoi, so guy loves guy scenes, cursing
Summary: Made for 30kisses, list Nu/acquisition. #10. Sometimes foolish decisions can ruin your life, but make it so there won’t be regrets.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hakuoki, or any of it’s characters. The creators do. My muse owns the idea of the fic, myself the work and the time I put into writing it. Credit me at least those, ok?
Notes
The last part might differ slightly, since I wrote it several months ago. But I have to say I feel higly accomplished. I have written two shots in one day. It gives me hope.
Set during Toba Fushimi, episode 12.
Your sad smile will guide my heart, part 2
#10. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer
He had been right. They didn’t have time to spare.
After Kondo-san’s injury and the incident with Okita that no one dared to name, things were a chaos and before they knew it, they were caught in the middle of Toba-Fushimi. For two weeks now Sano had been waiting to get off Shinpachi’s shit list, was waiting for another chance. Not that he had much time to wait, that was. The SaCho alliance had been moving lately and the Shinsengumi had their hands full with trying to subdue them.
And now this.
Sounds of battle were coming from everywhere, audible even behind the thick walls of their headquarters. The tenth unit was supposed to be in reserve, coming to aid wherever it was necessary. It made Sano crazy. He was here behind the walls and out there his comrades were dieing. Maybe Shinpachi was dieing.
He thought of Shinpachi.
He thought of their fight.
He thought of the charm Sano gave him, before Shinpachi headed out, the one he got from Saito to bring him luck with his beloved.
Kami-sama, he was so pathetic...
A sudden commotion caught his attention.
A messenger had arrived, reporting now to Hijikata. The man was familiar to Sano. A sense of dread filled him and as he listened to the man talk, his blood froze.
„Second unit reporting! Rushed into battle...Completely...surrounded...weapons...wide range...Need back-up.“ And he fainted. Sano saw the blood soak the man’s sky blue haori a deep shade of red.
He saw Hijikata shake.
„I’ll go.“ He announced.
Hijikata looked at him.
„The second unit is essential to the shinsengumi with their fighting skills, we cannot afford to loose them.“
Hijikata eyed him for a few moments. Then the comander nodded.
„Go.“
Sano bolted out of the gates and upon his command, the whole unit was following him.
ox*xo
He was such a fool, Shinpachi thought, as he parried the blade of another enemy. Blood was everywhere, the men around him were dieing and he himself didn’t know if he was alive, or just moving automatically. He let his emotions get the better of him for a moment, he acted too hurriedly and now his men were paying with their lives for it. He was such a wretched leader... He wanted to forget, just for a single moment forget that he still hadn’t talked to Sano, that he hadn’t told him how he loved him and forgave him, even when he had the chance...
The charm in his pocket felt heavy as lead.
Now it seemed, that he never will tell him that. Even if the back-up they requested should arrive soon.
Because he was such a fool.
„Sorry, everyone!“ he shouted, his wounded soul seeking forgiveness by those he made suffer. „Your friggin’ reckless unit captain’s gonna drag you through the pits of hell!“
„C’mon, that’s nothing new!“ he heard his corporal, his friend of a long time say. „An unit captain shouldn’t talk like that!“ Of course Shimada knew what he had been through. This was his way of telling him to get his act together, that it would be alright. He wasn’t alone. Shinpachi smiled gratefully.
A reckless fool like him didn’t deserve to have such a friend.
The enemies were rounding on them and they stood side by side. They were surrounded. With no means of escape. The only way out for them, was to break through.
And so Shinpachi lead them, lead them with a raised sword and they clashed with the enemy. Almost there.
That was when gunshot errupted and he heard the last groans of his mean, when they fell, shot down from a distance that seemed impossible. Shinpachi was shocked. The latest weaponry that the SaCho disponated with was frightening. And that was when he knew this was it.
They were dead.
He would never see Sano again.
He would never tell him...
And just then a familiar spear appeared from behind the corner and bored itself into the son-of-a-bitch that was pointing his gun at Shinpachi.
He couldn’t believe his eyes.
„Shinpachi!“ the strength of the familiar voice resonated through the street. „The tenth unit will guard your back! Now go and wreak some havoc!“
The relief of hearing that voice was impossible to describe.
Even in spite of the distance between them, Shinpachi knew he was looking directly into Sano’s eyes as he grinned victoriously. Sano was here. With him. They were together again. Nothing could stop him now.
He cut down the enemy he had been struggling with a minute ago with a warrior’s cry, new determination pounding in his veins as he lead his mean to safety.
And he knew then, that no matter what, Sano wouldn’t leave him. Never again. Not anymore.
ox*xo
They lost sight of each other in the battle, but Sano stabbed every enemy he saw, did everything in his might to assure Shinpachi’s safe return to the headquarters, even if he knew they were fighting against the odds. How did things become like this, he wondered, as he parried an oponent’s sword. Where was the time of the dream, that careless time of long nights, bright stars and expensive sake?
He looked around.
The half of his men was already gone and SaCho soldiers were getting more and more by the minute. He cursed. If Shinpachi managed to break through and clear a path for the headquarters, it should be done by now. Right now he should be on his way back to the quarters. If not... Sano stopped the thought right there. No time to think about that. He needed to get his men out.
„We’re going back! Everyone stop fooling around and finish their oponents off! We have more important business to do than to play around whole day!!!“ he bellowed and a chorus of agreements resonated through the air. He smirked. The day where the tenth unit of the Shinsengumi went down was yet to come.
On their way back, they met Saito. The captain of the third unit had also considerably less men than he started with, Sano noted dully.
„How did it go?“ he asked, as their backs met, their weapons turned to the enemies.
„We couldn’t do anything.“ Saito pressed out of himself.
Sano barred his teeth at how much truth that sentence hid. It could be the catchword for the entire day. But they still kept fighting as it was the only thing they could do. There was nothing else left for them.
Somehow they managed to break through the SaCho and return to the headquarters with a handfull of men, where Hijikata-san and Chizuru greeted them.
Saito explained the situation, but Sano only had eyes for the wounded man that was drapped across his back, with the thought that it could have been Shinpachi. Everyone who died could have been Shinpachi.
Where was he?
Why wasn’t he waiting for him at the gates?
Maybe because he wasn’t back yet?
Sano paled at the thought at what that meant.
„Shinpachi!“ He needed to confirm it. „Shinpachi isn’t back yet?!“
„No...“ Gen-san answered him and it was like a stab into his heart. The sound of explosion errupted in the distance. He couldn’t but look away, the pain of what that meant too strong.
ox*xo
Everyone was gathered in the conference room, listening to Saito’s report, as they were deciding on their next steps. Everyone had frowns on their faces at the thought of what might be with the most reckless and hot-headed unit captain as Saito described the range of the newest weaponry.
„Two of three bullets hit their targets, even from considerable distances.“
Sano tried to imagine it.
„If a volley of them came firing from above all at once...“
It was impossible. He closed his eyes, trying to chase away the images in his head. No way...
„It’d be horrible.“ He heard Chizuru say. „Does that mean that Nagakura-san and Shimada-san are...?“ she trailed off, not able to finish the sentence, afraid to say it out aloud, to accept what it meant.
Sano thought about accepting the fact that he would never kiss Shinpachi again. Never tell him... Words unsaid piled up in the back of his throat and made him sick and want to scream.
Shinpachi...
„Yo.“
The word cut through the silence of the room like an explosion. Everyone looked up in disbelief at the source of that cheerfull voice.
„We just got back.“
„Shinpachi?!“
Sano knew he was gaping, but he didn’t give a damn. He resisted the urge to pinch himself.
„What’s with you?“ there mild humor in Shinpachi’s voice, as if the sheer relief of being back from the nightmare made the face that everything had been real easier to bear. „I’m not a ghost. I’ve still got my feet.“ He tried a joke and that was when Sano finally believed it - Shinpachi was alive and well. Well enough to joke.
His lover sat down.
„It was a nightmare.“ He started and Sano’s smile fell. The battle had been horrible and even if they could forget it for a moment, nothing could undo the slaughter and terror it brought. „They had it raining iron bullets at us. There was no way we could break into their headquarters.“ There was no way, huh? Sano saw Shinpachi’s expression as the clear, blue eyes opened, realising what had been the stake and the cost. „In the end, I sent a bunch of men to their deaths.“
No one said anything, no one found the right words to make it better. Because there were no such words in the face of truth.
An explosion that errupted really near the headquarters tore them out of their reverie. Smoke was dragging along the ground.
„It looks like we no longer live in an age of sword and spears.“
The truth of that statement hit Sano like a bucket of ice, as he watched the blood seep through the vice-commander’s bandages from how hard he clutched his sword. The times were changing, a new age was knocking on their doorstep and there was no room left for the Shinsengumi on the wheel of the turning time. They lost. All that was left to do, was fight ’till the end.
„We are going to retreat.“ Hijikata-san announced, to everyone’s surprise. „But we haven’t lost yet!“ he pounded the hilt into the wooden ground resolutely like he was stabbing the Heart of the SaCho alliance with it. „They’ll pay for this.“
The determination made everyone nod in agreement, ready to follow their vice-captain...no, their commander, Sano corrected himself, wherever he lead them. But it couldn’t erase the seed of doubt that had planted itself in Sano’s heart. After what he had seen, he felt rather sceptic about the outcome of this war. But maybe it was just his current pessimism. If Hijikata-san, with all of the burdens and responsibilities he had to carry nowadays, still had enough determination to be ready to see this through, Sano was too.
ox*xo
He was resting against a pillar, waiting for the orders for retreat to sound, once the reinforcements arrived and the rasetsu unit announced the path was clear, when Shinpachi approached him.
„Sano.“
He opened his eyes and raised his head to look at his comrade.
„Shinpachi.“
„May I?“ the brunette asked, gesturing to the ground next to him.
Sano nodded and straightened a little to give Shinpachi more space.
Once the other was seated, companioble silence settle between them, like it used to be, but not for too long.
„Did you want something?“ Sano asked.
Shinpachi nodded. „Yeah.“ He turned to look into Sano’s golden eyes. „Sano, I...“ he trailed off, searching for the right words. „Concerning our conversation at the back yard...“
Sano felt his heart speed up, beating with hope.
„As we were out there, fighting and with a rain of iron pounding into our bodies, I realized that...“ he trailed off as a presence appered beside them. Their hands reached for their weapons instantly.
„It’s me.“
They relaxed at the familiar voice.
„Saito?“
„I’m sorry to disturb, but it’s an urgent emergency.“
And upon seeing the serious expression on the otherwise stoic and collected face, they knew it was.
„Yamazaki was here. The Yodo clan betrayed us, they sided with the SaCho.“
They both froze with shock.
„Hijikata-san is out there to get Yukimura-kun and Gen-san back, Yamazaki went after him to prevent a possible disaster, but he said he needed back-up. Possibly someone strong to subdue Hijikata-san. There’s no telling what our commander will do with the current emotions in his heart.“
Shinpachi and Sanosuke bolted up, hands grasped tightly in their hands.
They have seen the expression on their commander’s face during the battle. The expression of utter sadness and despair for loosing those that had been with him for so long...
But nothing could prepare them for what they came in sight with as they arrived at place, Gen-san dead in the puddle of his own blood, Yamazaki bloodied and barely cosnscious in Chizuru’s arms and Hijikata-san looking like he was about to collapse under the giant, invisible weight that pressed on his shoulders, as they slumped.
„Hijikata-san!“
„What the hell happened?!“ Sano really wanted to know. This was the worst scene he had come across that day and that spoke volumes.
„Take care of Yamazaki.“ Was the answer and Sano had trouble believing that the rough, low voice belonged to the demon-vice Hijikata.
As Shinpachi obliged and the severeness of the wound on the back of their ninja spy was revealed, they gasped in horror.
„This looks bad.“
„Vice-comander, what exactly happened here?“ Saito asked as he looked at the dead body of their comrade, of the one who had been so old and wise and now dead.
„I never thought I would sacrifice a subordinate for my own survival...“
None of them eve rthough that and yet today it had happened too often to count. Half of their men was dead, another half uncertain. A unit captain was dead, their best spy and medic probably dieing. And their tall commander, who had always been like a rock in the hurricane, looked so...tired of life. Sano wondered what else would encounter them at the end of this dark day. Though, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.
ox*xo
He and Shinpachi took their wounded comrade as the others proceeded to dig a grave for the fallen one. They had been ordered to go to Osaka for medical treatment and meet up with Kondo-san for further orders. The weight of their wounded comrade was heavy between them, his presence reminding them of what was and what could have been.
„Have you...have you two made up?“ A weak voice interrupted Sano’s thoughts and they looked between them in awe. They didn’t expect Yamazaki to say a word. He shouldn’t even have strength left to do that.
„You shouldn’t talk.“ Shinpachi said. „Save your breath and strength.“
„Have you two...made...up?“ Damn it, that guy was stubborn as hell. It was probably better they gave him an answer and let him have his peace.
Juts...what was the answer?
They looked at each other.
What would happen now?
There were still unspoken words between them, words that needed to be said.
„You should...talk...it out.“ Yamazaki was panting, his voice getting weaker. „Don’t...don’t let...not like this...“
„Yamazaki, you really should shut your trap and rest.“ Shinpachi tried to reason.
„We are alright with each other.“ Sano found himself saying. He looked deep into Shinpachi’s eyes, searching for confirmation...for certainity. Shinpachi just stared at him for a long moment. Then there was a smile and a nod.
„I’m glad...“ After this, Yamazaki said no more.
Words were still untold between them, but things were alright. They would pull through. They would get the time to say what was untold.
ox*xo
They didn’t find the time untill on the ship that would sail them over to Edo. With their supreme commader gone, the rasetsu unit annihilated, their best men wounded, it was meaningless to continue the battle. A few hours of rest before the fight would continue it’s viscious existence.
Sano found Shinpachi in one of the rooms, just standing there, eyes cast somewhere into distance. However his look focused again as Sano stepped in, closing the door behind himself.
He approached Shinpachi and laid a hand on his shoulder. For a while nither of them knew what to say. They Shinpachi pulled out a small object out of his pocket and showed it into Sano’s face. It was the lucky charm.
„You gave me this, yeah?“
„Yeah.“ Sano breathed, wondering what this was about.
„It felt heavy in my pocket. It kept reminding me of you. It kept reminding me...that there’s still something I haven’t told you, still something left for me to do. It probably saved my life. Thank you.“
Sano couldn’t but smile.
„Saito will like to hear that. He made me accept it, saying that he’s sure it will bring me as much luck as it brought him. I don’t really think he believes in such superstitions, but it seems to have served a purpose. I’ll have to thank him later.“
Shinpachi put it into his pocket again.
And before he could stop it, word were pouring out of Sano. „I was afraid you would die. That I would hear about your death a minute later. I was afraid. Afraid that I would lose you without telling you how sorry I am and how much I love you.“
Their eyes met and Shinpachi was surprised to find Sano’s shining.
„So I’m telling you now: I’m sorry I made you mad. I love you. I’m sorry I cheated on you. I love you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you. I love you, Shinpachi and I’m truly sorry for everything. I might be a fool, but I’m not stupid. What happened to Yamazaki can happen to any of us.“ He put his arms around the broad shoulder and he felt strong arms encircle his waist. „And I don’t want it to happen without you knowing all of this.“
„He isn’t dead yet.“
„Yes, yet. Be reasonable Shinpachi.“
Shinpachi didn’t say anything just looked away. „Sano I...I know I’ve been an ass. I know you have always prefered woman and I know you love me. It’s true that it wasn’t right to cheat on me, but right now I can’t bring myself to care. Right now the only thing that matters is that you are safe and in my arms. That you aren’t dead. That you didn’t die out there, like the many men I led today...“
Sano felt the hold around him tighten and he returned the squeeze with equal strength.
„Sano?“
„Yeah?“
„Let’s always be together.“
Sano smiled one of those sad smiles. „Yeah. Untill death do us part.“ Shinpachi tensed and Sano stroked his back calmingly. „And Shinpachi?“
„What’s it?“
„Promise me, that it won’t be you to go first.“
Sano swore he felt the lump that formed in Shinpachi’s throat as he realized what was Sano asking him. But Sano wasn’t backing down.
„Promise me you won’t let me see your death.“ Their eyes met again, Sano’s full of sincerity. „I don’t want to live longer than you.“
„That’s a selfish request.“
„Your’s wasn’t any better.“
„That’s true.“ Then Shinpachi nodded. „Alright. If I can ask something selfish, you should too. It’s fair. And after all, it seems we have only little time left. We should be doing selfish things more often, now that we can die any moment.“
They smiled at each other.
And as if on cue, as if there had been an agreement between them, they said in unison, their voices sounding like one:
„I love you.“
And then, they kissed.
A sure press of lips against lips, real and honest and there, sure as the new day come. They held their breath, savoring the moment within them. The only noise around them was the squeeking of the wooden bricks, the whisper of the ocean’s waves and the faint sound of Chizuru’s chatter from the room next to them. Everything seemed alright, like they were at the beginning of a random day.
The sound of shattering brought them back to reality and they broke apart.
It came from the room next to them. The only one who could have dropped it, was Chizuru, because Yamazaki was lying in the bed. But Chizuru rarely dropped anything, only when she startled, or got surprised. What it meant in this case, they didn’t dare to guess. There was the sound of rushed footsteps and then a moment of silence.
And then a heartwrenching cry of agony that shattered their hopes into a million tiny pieces of shards, just like that mug moments ago.
Sano buried his face in the crook of Shinpachi’s neck, while taking hold of the front of his kataginu and Shinpachi gritted his teeth and clutched the back of Sano’s dofuku. They didn’t need to hear it, to know what happened.
Shinpachi felt a single drop, hot and wet fall into the crook of his neck and slide down his chest, pausing only above his heart and Sano heard a small hitch of breath, a choking sound pass the gritted teeth, just by his ear.
-x-
Not an hour later they were up on the deck, staring at the bandaged form of their comrade, bound to the board that would carry it down to the bottom of the sea.
Yamazaki was dead.
All Sano could think of was, ’it could have been Shinpachi.’
All Shinpachi could think of was, ’it could have been Sano.’
Together, not saying anything, just seeking assurance by the other’s presence, they took the board and pushed it over the rail. They watched as it slowly disappeared into the sea, fading away into the blue depths.
Shinpachi’s voice broke the silence, rough with emotions, rough with what he had seen, rough with what had happened, rough with loss and pain.
„A bunch of our comrades have died fighting for the Bakufu. It’s like they’ve died in vain.“
Come to think of it, out of everything they were doing, what wasn’t in vain, Sano contemplated.
But right now he didn’t have the strength to think about it. For now the only thing he focused on, was standing upright. His knees felt weak and he didn’t want anything, but his mind wander into darkness, forgetting just for a while everything that had happened.
But he couldn’t. Their comrades deserved to be remembered.
If it had been Shinpachi and not Yamazaki floating to the grounds of cold water, Sano would have wished in a moment of weakness to forgett everything about him. But at the same time he knew, that the thought of forgeting, would have hurt more than any pain the loss of his beloved could have given him. Because Shinpachi’s existence was everything Sano would have left of him. And this thought alone drove him forward.
Everything had been real. And even if it now seemed like a nightmare, many things that happened have been good. And it were those good things that were worth fighting and dieing for. And Sano knew their fallen comrades would have agreed, dieing in vain or not.
Sano stared into the water, colored by the sunrise into a deep azure hue, much like Shinpachi’s eyes.
And he decided.
He would stay with Shinpachi, fight next to him, fight for him. And for him, he would die. And Sano promised himself to make sure, it wouldn’t be in vain.
Previous parts are HERE