Bobis lecture, Home, Inferiority
Cross posted in Tabulas.
Bobis lecture, Home, Inferiority | 01:55 am by all_apologies
1. Merlinda Bobis' lecture was nice. I did not buy her books, though. No money.
What somewhat amazed me most rather than her discussion on 'polyphonic novel' was her enthusiasm. It's good to see a person very passionate about her own work.
And I thought about what she said regarding her amazement over the Main building. Well, I also think I may feel that way after graduation, when I am away from the school, and even the Philippines. (if ever I am leaving.)
2. Her 'homecoming' meant that she still considered Philippines as her 'home', the 'first'. (Australia seems to be her 'second' home)
I wonder if all migrants usually rate or rank their 'homes'.....
Well, guess I did that too. Only recently maybe I considered Philippines to be like my 'second' home. Korea was always my 'first', the place where I dreamt about my glorious, fancy, sweet 'homecoming': me coming back as some kind of successful person (I have watched too much of corrupting soap operas during my childhood which had input such idea.haha.) Well, my homecoming ended to be the opposite of what I wanted it to be..hehe.
I think (corrupted or/and bitter by the old Korean soaps) the media shows homecoming to be sweet and nice only when you come back as the 'winner'. The home country only welcomes you and acknowledges you with wide open warm arms only when you come back as a successful, famous person.
Homecoming should be personal affair, yes. But I am not that strong enough to engulf my failures nor the indifference of my country towards those who were not 'successful'. I felt bitter when I went back in...2000. God. I am quite bitter...; and twisted...and dying for attention?
3. I was watching the news (korean) and it is said that Korea ranked 33rd as the country with expensive/high rate of livelihood expenses.
I really wonder how my parents are doing.
And my sister recently met her Korean friend who had studied here (in UST) and went back to Korea. According to her (sis' friend), when she tried to apply for English teaching job in institutions she was many times rejected because she studied in the Philippines. Koreans do not credit 'Philippine' diploma. They think low of Southeastern country like Philippines. That is the usual, or the consensus of people. Or so I heard. I have heard many of such things, spoken by those Koreans who are actually living here. Well, there are some who goes against such thought, and there are many Koreans who are kind and all. But in terms of getting jobs..the reality (of undermining Philippine education) still hurts and makes me feel inferior.
Then to show those Koreans and kick some of their noble asses, I should go to the West (US would be the best choice) and study and become a scholar or whatever just to make myself feel good and feel accepted by people?? To prove myself of my 'worth'?
One of my problems is that I have molded myself with the standards that of high-end seeking, Western and Korean standards. And because I know / realized that I can not meet such standards, I feel inferior and I dont feel much passion towards whatever that I need to be doing.
Things I have heard are like "What are you gonna do after graduating as a 'lit' student?", "Its hard to get jobs these days. There are so many people who are better than you everywhere."
Sometimes, I feel ambitious that I want to make myself meet that standard and prove myself, I sometimes am like a dog waggling its tail towards society that I am dying to be 'someone' and be 'accepted' or show the people 'how good i am' but because I can not meet its standards, that I aint 'good' nor 'beautiful' nor 'intelligent' enough, then now I feel bitter about this highly competitive world. (.......wow. quite a fucked up person.)
My sense or the feeling of inferiority implies that at the very beneath of that inferiority, I most likely have very strong, big desire to be the 'superior'.
I realized this world is all about 'power'. Its power struggle. Knowledge and intelligence, wealth, beauty...all are powers that would directly or indirectly exercise some kind of suppressive power over those who possess 'less' of those things.
Worst thing is that I hate it only because I am at the side of the 'less' or the underdogs. Shit. I would be probably smiling happily and abusing my powers if I was among the other side, the powerful ones. Isnt that such a shit.
Bobis lecture, Home, Inferiority | 01:55 am by all_apologies
1. Merlinda Bobis' lecture was nice. I did not buy her books, though. No money.
What somewhat amazed me most rather than her discussion on 'polyphonic novel' was her enthusiasm. It's good to see a person very passionate about her own work.
And I thought about what she said regarding her amazement over the Main building. Well, I also think I may feel that way after graduation, when I am away from the school, and even the Philippines. (if ever I am leaving.)
2. Her 'homecoming' meant that she still considered Philippines as her 'home', the 'first'. (Australia seems to be her 'second' home)
I wonder if all migrants usually rate or rank their 'homes'.....
Well, guess I did that too. Only recently maybe I considered Philippines to be like my 'second' home. Korea was always my 'first', the place where I dreamt about my glorious, fancy, sweet 'homecoming': me coming back as some kind of successful person (I have watched too much of corrupting soap operas during my childhood which had input such idea.haha.) Well, my homecoming ended to be the opposite of what I wanted it to be..hehe.
I think (corrupted or/and bitter by the old Korean soaps) the media shows homecoming to be sweet and nice only when you come back as the 'winner'. The home country only welcomes you and acknowledges you with wide open warm arms only when you come back as a successful, famous person.
Homecoming should be personal affair, yes. But I am not that strong enough to engulf my failures nor the indifference of my country towards those who were not 'successful'. I felt bitter when I went back in...2000. God. I am quite bitter...; and twisted...and dying for attention?
3. I was watching the news (korean) and it is said that Korea ranked 33rd as the country with expensive/high rate of livelihood expenses.
I really wonder how my parents are doing.
And my sister recently met her Korean friend who had studied here (in UST) and went back to Korea. According to her (sis' friend), when she tried to apply for English teaching job in institutions she was many times rejected because she studied in the Philippines. Koreans do not credit 'Philippine' diploma. They think low of Southeastern country like Philippines. That is the usual, or the consensus of people. Or so I heard. I have heard many of such things, spoken by those Koreans who are actually living here. Well, there are some who goes against such thought, and there are many Koreans who are kind and all. But in terms of getting jobs..the reality (of undermining Philippine education) still hurts and makes me feel inferior.
Then to show those Koreans and kick some of their noble asses, I should go to the West (US would be the best choice) and study and become a scholar or whatever just to make myself feel good and feel accepted by people?? To prove myself of my 'worth'?
One of my problems is that I have molded myself with the standards that of high-end seeking, Western and Korean standards. And because I know / realized that I can not meet such standards, I feel inferior and I dont feel much passion towards whatever that I need to be doing.
Things I have heard are like "What are you gonna do after graduating as a 'lit' student?", "Its hard to get jobs these days. There are so many people who are better than you everywhere."
Sometimes, I feel ambitious that I want to make myself meet that standard and prove myself, I sometimes am like a dog waggling its tail towards society that I am dying to be 'someone' and be 'accepted' or show the people 'how good i am' but because I can not meet its standards, that I aint 'good' nor 'beautiful' nor 'intelligent' enough, then now I feel bitter about this highly competitive world. (.......wow. quite a fucked up person.)
My sense or the feeling of inferiority implies that at the very beneath of that inferiority, I most likely have very strong, big desire to be the 'superior'.
I realized this world is all about 'power'. Its power struggle. Knowledge and intelligence, wealth, beauty...all are powers that would directly or indirectly exercise some kind of suppressive power over those who possess 'less' of those things.
Worst thing is that I hate it only because I am at the side of the 'less' or the underdogs. Shit. I would be probably smiling happily and abusing my powers if I was among the other side, the powerful ones. Isnt that such a shit.