its been so long
its has been so long since i have written in this thing. i think that its because there has been so much on my mind i needed to sort it all out before i could even begin to put it into words. there are several different situations that have really been stressing me out. i dont know which to start with so im just gunna go. lets go with the most recent. today i was in a meeting with one of my ex's and i had the overwhelming urge to make out. not because i wanted to do it but b/c i felt the need to prove to myself that i still could. well i fought the urge b/c i feel like i have grown up enough to know that it isnt good to do that to people but the day isnt over yet and i just have to have some self control b/c no good could come from it. anyway that was nothing major but yesterday there was a bit of a run in but not really so much a run in as much as there was an avoidance. there is this friend that i had a huge falling out with for several different reasons and i never really had any real closure for that relationship. it was my own choice that wasnt really a choice. that makes no sense so let me explain... it all came down last semester. well this wass the last semester of my last year in college and i was taking 22 hours. you do the math. i had NO time. when i wasnt in class i was preparing to be in class and when i wasnt preparing i was sleeping. there just werent enough hours in the day. so needless to say i didnt really have time to attempt to mend a friendship that i didnt even have time to decided was worth mending. so needless to say i just let it die. well anyway this person was around the other day and while i am more than willing to at least attempt to be friendly/civil it appears as though this person feels that avoidance is the way to deal with it. i realize that everyone deals with it their own way but i mean we are all adults here and im not so fragile that i cant handle it. well i was bothered by the whole avoidance thing and then i was bothered b/c i was bothered. it was just a vicious cycle that never really seems to end. well anyway it made me thinkg that maybe i should try and at least attempt to talk about it. well then today i found out that this other person is completely ok with the way that things are and well that bothers me A LOT. im just not ok with the way that things are. im sure that they are better this way but i just dont know and i need to know. i dont know whether to talk about it with this person or not. i just cant decide. ok so that is that. now there is the situation with the boy and we like to call him. well he called me on the day that my grandmother died ( the next problem) and told me that he had enlisted in the army. well that really didnt go over so well. i was destroyed. while i support our soldiers that are over there i do not support the reasons. i have had a friend over there for a while now and he had already been over there once and was shot in the line of duty. so i think its safe to say that im not so ok with the whole sending people i love and care about off to war. well he told me that he would leave in november and all i could do is cry. i still want to cry about it when i think about it. well this was all about a month ago and i havent been able to call him b.c i dont really know what to say. im not ok with it but i will support him if he decides this is something that he really wants to do. well i got up the courage to text him the other day and i havent heard back from him. that really bothers me. i feel like its all just slipping right through my fingers. i hate that feeling of helplessness. i know that everything happens for a reason but i want to be able to control it all and i just cant. so i just dont know where to go from here with him. then there is the death of my grandmother. her and grandpa just moved down here this past spring and she turned 90 in may. she died right after brennans birthday and watching her funeral was quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever done. i love my grandmother and her and i were so alike. we have the same sense of humor and they say that as long and me and my dad are alive she will live on. well that is some consolation but damnit i want her here. i know thats selfish and i know she is in a better place but that does not make this any easier or hurt any less. i guess its safe to say that i am not dealing with it well. i just wish i know how to deal with this all. i mean i know that everyone has problems and im not trying to be like poor pittiful me but just needed to use this to get all my thoughts out in one place... so i guess we will just see what happens