Millisar
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this strange sort of limbo where everyone but me is moving on with life and I'm trapped in a weird kind of high school mentality of who do I get to play with today. I keep hearing about people pairing off and living together, or moving out of town for better job opportunities, or other things like that. I knew when I came back to Michigan that things wouldn't just go back to the way they were before I moved to Iowa, but it's still incredibly unsettling. It makes me feel like I can't tell who I should let myself get attached to because any of them might up and decide to just go do something with their lives and leave me behind. I do know a couple of people at least who I'm pretty sure aren't going anywhere anytime soon, but I feel like that might change at any time. I need constants in my life; I need to know that someone here isn't going anywhere so I feel like I have best friends again. I'm thinking back longingly on days I know will never come back, and I'm looking for something or someone to cling to so I can convince myself that that old feeling of belonging somewhere isn't gone forever. Along with other factors, I think this is a large part of why I'm still single; either I don't try at all because it feels futile, or I try too hard out of desperation and the desire to stop feeling like I'm falling behind. I've always hated that feeling, like everybody is in Pewter City and I'm still stuck in Viridian, and by the time I reach Pewter they've all gone through Mt. Moon already.
It occurs to me that I probably spend too much time thinking about the past and not enough looking forward to the future, but I've always felt like the future is too uncertain to predict to any respectable degree of accuracy. Or, well, that mine is like that at least.
And now I suddenly find myself missing the days when there were a bunch of people who read my words regularly and helped to give me feedback and perspective. It ties back into that feeling of belonging, I think. I'm also kind of wondering what all those people are doing with their lives now. There we go again - everyone but me has moved on and started making themselves important, and I'm just sitting here talking to an empty room that used to be full of people who wanted to hear what I have to say.
I should try to distract myself from this feeling. That's about all I can do for right now.
It occurs to me that I probably spend too much time thinking about the past and not enough looking forward to the future, but I've always felt like the future is too uncertain to predict to any respectable degree of accuracy. Or, well, that mine is like that at least.
And now I suddenly find myself missing the days when there were a bunch of people who read my words regularly and helped to give me feedback and perspective. It ties back into that feeling of belonging, I think. I'm also kind of wondering what all those people are doing with their lives now. There we go again - everyone but me has moved on and started making themselves important, and I'm just sitting here talking to an empty room that used to be full of people who wanted to hear what I have to say.
I should try to distract myself from this feeling. That's about all I can do for right now.