(no subject)
It's been fairly quiet in our world lately. My mother received the ok to go on disability retirement, though she won't receive her first check until December. My sister is in some form of medical trade school, and apparently doing well. My father is still in remission.
Baruch Hashem.
My husband's family seems fairly fine, except for the excess drama they inject into our lives. Despite the fact that I've begged for someone to watch him, just for a few hours, only when we desperately need help, we've been turned away. If not turned away, then we've been interrogated as if we're criminals, and not allowed time with a babysitter. He loves his grandparents so much, and they can't bother to spend time with him. It's disgusting. And I'm so far away from my family, who would be so happy to be a part of his life. The depression is killing me. Literally. I really feel like I need to see someone, but it's not worth the eyerolling from my husband.
I've decided to go ahead and enroll my Aaron into the Special Children's Center, just so I can get a break every now and then. And can I tell you that I feel really awful about that? He's such a good boy, and I love him so much, but sometimes, mommy just needs a break. He doesn't go to bed until 10-10:30, and then he's up by 6. I have no time to my self, and I hardly recognize my husband. It's very, very hard sometimes.
Zev was dead against him joining anything like this because he feels like it makes us stand out. Maybe it makes his diagnosis more real? I don't know, but he's been diagnosed for four years now, and this isn't something that goes away. It's not something you can take a pill for and suddenly "be normal". His speech is improving by leaps and bounds, but it's still painfully obvious that he isn't like other six year olds. It doesn't usually bother me, but when it does, it's like I can't handle it.
We were in a restaurant, just last week, and I think he got a little overstimulated. So he's jumping in the booth, talking REALLY LOUD, and trying to pull a lamp over, while climbing across a small half wall, which separated tables. We rarely go out to eat, because food is just so expensive, but I needed a break. Badly. There came a point where I told Zev, "If you don't shut him up, I'm leaving." And he looked at me surprised, and said to let him be. That he's just having a good time.
Essentially, I'm struggling to find a way to teach him how we behave in public, while still being understanding that he's going to have meltdowns, and he's going to overstimulate. Sometimes he's going to get overexcited, and not be able to control things like the volume of his voice, or how much he moves around. I guess I just expect a level of behavior, and when it falls short, in my agitated state (more on that soon), I simply cannot deal. I promise, I'm trying.
I can't sleep well at night. I open my eyes feeling more tired than when I went to bed. Looking back at my father's younger years, I see a lot of what happened to him, happening again to me. Falling asleep at the drop of a hat, and yet fully aware of everything that's going on around me. Drooling so much that I have to sleep on a pile of towels, and remove one each time I wake up. Sleeping better in a chair, than in a bed. Sometimes waking myself up snoring.
I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea. Both my parents have a terrible case. Three out of four of my grandparents had it, and one died too young to know for certain. I'm so tired, and so irritable, and my mood swings are out of this world. Sometimes I'm okay, and then there's sometimes where I'm downright mean. I'm exhausted, and Zev is 99% of the time, working my last nerve, and my son's blown through 98% of the 99%, before he even opens his eyes. It's just...It's very hard. I need to go for a sleep study, but every time I mention it, there's more eye-rolling from my husband. He says that it's all in my head, but really, I'm not so sure...
I'd be a whole lot less mean, if I could just get some god-damned sleep!
Little things like my favorite lamp being broken (which means no embroidery) has been enough to send me off into a rampage. It's nothing external--I'm not bothering anyone else, but inside my mind is like a gripe fest. The lamp is broken, so I can't stitch. Aaron is up, so I can't clean. I need to pee, but Zev's in the bathroom. There's scratching in the attic--I wonder if we'll find another mouse carcass in the kitchen. The cat is gouging the counters with her claws--I'm going to kill her. The house has fleas, and I smell like a lemon factory. Why did I bathe in lemon juice when I just shaved my legs?!
It makes me nuts. That's all!
Aaand, onto animals. Within the last two months, we've lost two rabbits. Both to a combination of old age, and an unknown illness. My son is very hard on the cat, and I can see it's having an effect on her. All his squishing and squeezing is giving her aches, and she struggles to jump onto the countertops now, where we keep her food and water. He makes huge messes, and eats from her bowls if we don't. She lays around much more, and she's thinner than she used to be. I think her time is coming soon too, though I hope she gives us a few more years. As much as I hate her claws, I love her.
Our grey rabbit is the last of the bunch, and he seems to be well enough. He too, though, seems to have slowed down. With all these things in mind, I've decided that we need pets that aren't eulogized over. There's too much heartbreak over these tiny creatures, so we've decided to get fish. Goldfish, to be precise.
And it all started when my Aaron came home from camp with a feeder. Poor thing was in a beta bowl, so we went right out and bought a ten gallon startup kit. Bought the whisper kit because my dad and I used tetra everything, and never had a problem with it. Biggest waste of thirty-five dollars ever. The filter was bad, and unless we returned the whole setup, Petsmart wouldn't help us. So we bought an Aquaclear. It's not an expensive filter, but expensive enough to irritate my husband! Lol! I bought one rated to clean 20-50g's, and put a baffle on it, to kill some of the current. I wanted to cycle the filter quickly so that I could move the two surviving goldfish (Pinto, the feeder died on us, two days after buying the tank. That pissed Z off even more!) into a 40 breeder that I picked up from Petco, at their dollar per gallon sale. Next time, It'll be a 55! Mark my words!
I don't know that even the aqua clear, and the submersible pond pump are filtering to my liking, so when I upgrade, I'm doing two 560gph sub pumps, the aqua clear 50, and possibly an AC 70. These are really messy fish!
My dad and I always did tropicals, and I rarely remember him doing water changes, though he was a religious carbon user. I'm doing thirty percent changes daily, just to keep the ammonia levels down! It doesn't take long to do, and I don't mind doing it. It keeps me busy, and they're really cute. They're relaxing, and that's the important part, for me at least.
I need to relax.
In case you were curious, here's a photo of them. The water is a little cloudy, but I had just stirred up the rocks. We have finally beaten the bacterial bloom that clouded up our water for more than a month.
So, that's pretty much where we're holding. My inlaws are awful, I'm cracking up, and my husband is...well...himself.
Hopefully everyone is enjoying their summer, and hopefully, I'll hear from you soon. :)
Baruch Hashem.
My husband's family seems fairly fine, except for the excess drama they inject into our lives. Despite the fact that I've begged for someone to watch him, just for a few hours, only when we desperately need help, we've been turned away. If not turned away, then we've been interrogated as if we're criminals, and not allowed time with a babysitter. He loves his grandparents so much, and they can't bother to spend time with him. It's disgusting. And I'm so far away from my family, who would be so happy to be a part of his life. The depression is killing me. Literally. I really feel like I need to see someone, but it's not worth the eyerolling from my husband.
I've decided to go ahead and enroll my Aaron into the Special Children's Center, just so I can get a break every now and then. And can I tell you that I feel really awful about that? He's such a good boy, and I love him so much, but sometimes, mommy just needs a break. He doesn't go to bed until 10-10:30, and then he's up by 6. I have no time to my self, and I hardly recognize my husband. It's very, very hard sometimes.
Zev was dead against him joining anything like this because he feels like it makes us stand out. Maybe it makes his diagnosis more real? I don't know, but he's been diagnosed for four years now, and this isn't something that goes away. It's not something you can take a pill for and suddenly "be normal". His speech is improving by leaps and bounds, but it's still painfully obvious that he isn't like other six year olds. It doesn't usually bother me, but when it does, it's like I can't handle it.
We were in a restaurant, just last week, and I think he got a little overstimulated. So he's jumping in the booth, talking REALLY LOUD, and trying to pull a lamp over, while climbing across a small half wall, which separated tables. We rarely go out to eat, because food is just so expensive, but I needed a break. Badly. There came a point where I told Zev, "If you don't shut him up, I'm leaving." And he looked at me surprised, and said to let him be. That he's just having a good time.
Essentially, I'm struggling to find a way to teach him how we behave in public, while still being understanding that he's going to have meltdowns, and he's going to overstimulate. Sometimes he's going to get overexcited, and not be able to control things like the volume of his voice, or how much he moves around. I guess I just expect a level of behavior, and when it falls short, in my agitated state (more on that soon), I simply cannot deal. I promise, I'm trying.
I can't sleep well at night. I open my eyes feeling more tired than when I went to bed. Looking back at my father's younger years, I see a lot of what happened to him, happening again to me. Falling asleep at the drop of a hat, and yet fully aware of everything that's going on around me. Drooling so much that I have to sleep on a pile of towels, and remove one each time I wake up. Sleeping better in a chair, than in a bed. Sometimes waking myself up snoring.
I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea. Both my parents have a terrible case. Three out of four of my grandparents had it, and one died too young to know for certain. I'm so tired, and so irritable, and my mood swings are out of this world. Sometimes I'm okay, and then there's sometimes where I'm downright mean. I'm exhausted, and Zev is 99% of the time, working my last nerve, and my son's blown through 98% of the 99%, before he even opens his eyes. It's just...It's very hard. I need to go for a sleep study, but every time I mention it, there's more eye-rolling from my husband. He says that it's all in my head, but really, I'm not so sure...
I'd be a whole lot less mean, if I could just get some god-damned sleep!
Little things like my favorite lamp being broken (which means no embroidery) has been enough to send me off into a rampage. It's nothing external--I'm not bothering anyone else, but inside my mind is like a gripe fest. The lamp is broken, so I can't stitch. Aaron is up, so I can't clean. I need to pee, but Zev's in the bathroom. There's scratching in the attic--I wonder if we'll find another mouse carcass in the kitchen. The cat is gouging the counters with her claws--I'm going to kill her. The house has fleas, and I smell like a lemon factory. Why did I bathe in lemon juice when I just shaved my legs?!
It makes me nuts. That's all!
Aaand, onto animals. Within the last two months, we've lost two rabbits. Both to a combination of old age, and an unknown illness. My son is very hard on the cat, and I can see it's having an effect on her. All his squishing and squeezing is giving her aches, and she struggles to jump onto the countertops now, where we keep her food and water. He makes huge messes, and eats from her bowls if we don't. She lays around much more, and she's thinner than she used to be. I think her time is coming soon too, though I hope she gives us a few more years. As much as I hate her claws, I love her.
Our grey rabbit is the last of the bunch, and he seems to be well enough. He too, though, seems to have slowed down. With all these things in mind, I've decided that we need pets that aren't eulogized over. There's too much heartbreak over these tiny creatures, so we've decided to get fish. Goldfish, to be precise.
And it all started when my Aaron came home from camp with a feeder. Poor thing was in a beta bowl, so we went right out and bought a ten gallon startup kit. Bought the whisper kit because my dad and I used tetra everything, and never had a problem with it. Biggest waste of thirty-five dollars ever. The filter was bad, and unless we returned the whole setup, Petsmart wouldn't help us. So we bought an Aquaclear. It's not an expensive filter, but expensive enough to irritate my husband! Lol! I bought one rated to clean 20-50g's, and put a baffle on it, to kill some of the current. I wanted to cycle the filter quickly so that I could move the two surviving goldfish (Pinto, the feeder died on us, two days after buying the tank. That pissed Z off even more!) into a 40 breeder that I picked up from Petco, at their dollar per gallon sale. Next time, It'll be a 55! Mark my words!
I don't know that even the aqua clear, and the submersible pond pump are filtering to my liking, so when I upgrade, I'm doing two 560gph sub pumps, the aqua clear 50, and possibly an AC 70. These are really messy fish!
My dad and I always did tropicals, and I rarely remember him doing water changes, though he was a religious carbon user. I'm doing thirty percent changes daily, just to keep the ammonia levels down! It doesn't take long to do, and I don't mind doing it. It keeps me busy, and they're really cute. They're relaxing, and that's the important part, for me at least.
I need to relax.
In case you were curious, here's a photo of them. The water is a little cloudy, but I had just stirred up the rocks. We have finally beaten the bacterial bloom that clouded up our water for more than a month.
So, that's pretty much where we're holding. My inlaws are awful, I'm cracking up, and my husband is...well...himself.
Hopefully everyone is enjoying their summer, and hopefully, I'll hear from you soon. :)