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Mar 04, 2014 01:32

One of the most powerful insights I have had in my life is the realization of fear being a completely illusionary state. In order for me to come to this place of no fear, I had to be absolutely terrified to be alive. So how would I have ended up being terrified to be alive and break thought to the truth that fear is not real? Well, I believed my thinking. And what thoughts did I have to believe to bring me to a place of total fear? There are a lot of them, but the primary, and most confusing belief was that I had to build a sense of self that the world around me would love, accept, and confirm that my human existence was ok. unfortunately for the multiple selves that tried to come into the world, it never really took away the fact that a small feminine gay man of color could never really click in, can never really assimilate. There were too many attributes about me that were different. If by chance I had fit in somewhere, that sense of self would have worked out, and I would be living in an identified life. So the realization these past ten years revealed to me was that I have been toiling, and desperately trying to construct a "self" completely and totally out of fear. And the self, was never real to begin with. My "self" still somewhat lingers. I like to compare it to walking into a house that was never unpacked. It's broken, incomplete, and a mix of different identities my self tried to expand into. The most amazing thing about this realization is that I now live in the freedom of knowing that I never have to construct a new self. I am completely free of the desire to build up a sense of self. It is something that I no longer have to do anymore, and that freedom feels so amazing. The fear, the internal warfare, and the psychological slavery, is finally over.

*This journal entry is a reflection of Thandi Newton's speech "Embracing Otherness" on TED talks.
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