Advent Reflections
As dry as fallen leaves beneath my feet,
so does my soul, my being seem to be
in this gray Autumn of my journey home.
No more the heady days of Spring
when, bursting with anticipation
and new born faith,
my soul frolicked amidst flowers of grace
within my heart
and bathed in the warmth of reconciliation.
As each day unfolded more of the mystery
I mellowed as the summer ran its course.
The endless days and balmy nights
caressed me in sweet solitude and peace.
Then as the days grew cool
and Autumn came abreast
of my passage down that winding, varied path;
a final show of glory, majesty
as trees were crowned with flaming reds and gold;
Fit for a King, we end our holy year.
But now the shortened days, the barren trees;
the waiting and the longing has begun,
as night closes in on us we yearn
for that brief glimpse of eternity.
We wait for the Advent of our Lord
to ease the lonely aching of our hearts;
to plant anew the seeds of faith and hope,
dispel the darkness with a blazing star.
Throughout the desolation of the bleak,
long winter’s night we wait
for that faint glimmer to appear,
to lead us to the Birthing of the Word
and our true beings deep within our hearts.
A longer explanation of my spiritual explorations follows, behind the second cut.
I have been dwelling lately on the question of redemption. Being the season of Advent, this of course becomes a central theme for a Catholic as they prepare for Christmas. I was once very much on a spiritual path, a quest of sorts to understand my spiritual side. I approached this academically as I do most subjects, voraciously reading as much as I could. I stumbled across Thomas Merton and was quite caught up with his writings. I became affiliated with the Benedictine monastery, St. Leo Abbey and would go there on retreats to escape the reality of life for a weekend or two. I was rising at the crack of dawn to pray with the monks, chanting the psalms as has been done for centuries. Life at a monastery revolves around prayer, and prayer revolves around the psalms. And the psalms are full of violence, and vengeance. I found it very hard to reconcile the prayers I was chanting with the teachings of Jesus and the way of life of the monks. Theirs was a life dedicated to prayers and acts of mercy. Their way of life treated everything as sacred, including the common dishes in the kitchen. God is present in all things. Jesus taught love, mercy, forgiveness. Turn the other cheek, love your enemy, pray for your persecutor. I could not come to terms with this paradox, this idea of an all-loving God who on one hand would preach mercy and forgiveness yet demand a blood sacrifice as redemption. This god was one of vengeance, an unforgiving god, holding sins of our forefathers against us, demanding we atone. I could not worship this god. How could the Church be against the death penalty, yet hold up the death of Jesus as justified? Needless to say, I ended up not finding spiritual wisdom, and eventually fell away from the Church.
I read a wonderful book recently, Jesus Against Christianity, which put all this in perspective for me. By placing the god in the psalms in a space in time where the mindset of the people believed in vengeance as justice made sense. By showing how Jesus was put to death by the government, for political reasons makes so much more sense than what I had been taught as a child. I have reconciled myself with my faith, but not the Church. I do not believe in Original Sin, nor the need for Redemption in order to be reconciled with God. My spiritual pathways now are more in tune with many other worldwide paths…and for that I am probably a heretic. But at least I am at peace with myself.
So…how does all this relate to anything? I guess I have been thinking about these things as well as what I have been writing about and they all came together in a way that is hard to express but somehow makes sense deep down inside.
Redemption and forgiveness, mercy and love. Each of these things must come from within and extended to another. The message of love does not coexist with the message of vengeance.
Profound thoughts, I know. Or maybe not so profound. More like a bit convoluted, and strange. Sort of like my brain. I guess I haven’t really spread any seasonal cheer. I apologize. I started this with the idea of being a “little ray of sunshine” and ended up being more of a “dark cloud”.
So I promise, no more angst.
(except in my fics, of course!)