Trying to pinpoint my unease
First off, Merry Christmas everyone!
Anyway, I had an interaction with a coworker yesterday which is still vexing me today. To be honest, I should be happy with the result because I was able to prove that taking the high generosity ground reaps greater benefits.
On the other hand, while I tried not to make a big deal about it, my coworker displayed an increase in selfish behavior later that day.
We had a food day for Christmas Eve at work. Since being only current team, I've made a habit of bringing something extra so if someone forgets to bring something I can cover them by saying that I brought that dish on their behalf. I do this because the team I was on before had someone who was a real bitch and tried to shame people out of participating in all rapport building activities. It was hell working around that person and I wanted to promote a feeling of including in my new team because people generally work better when they don't feel like outcasts. I also did it because I knew that one of my coworkers was having a rough time making ends meet because his home got hit with the tornado last May and they had a newborn. I knew that another coworker showed signs of being overwhelmed and I figured she would probably forget too.
The second food day I brought extra stuff because I knew that some of our people were on vacation and wouldn't know about or remember it. We were being swamped at work, so I didn't have a chance to meet personally with one of the people who had forgotten instead I did a message in our team chat room telling her that I wanted her to know that the dish was on her behalf because she was my teammate and didn't want her to feel left out. Our new manager picked up on that and echoed that we were a team and that no one should be excluded. I'm pretty sure this was what lost him the position as our manager, because the coworker I had the interaction with yesterday is someone who believes that if you don't bring something, you shouldn't eat. She is also someone who pitches a fit to upper management whenever she can't get her way. She has cost more than one supervisory person to be removed from our team because they offended her. And then she had the gall to make comments like "oh it's a shame they aren't with us anymore," and "I'm a nice person; I want the best for everyone." In my experience, if you have to remind people that you're nice, it's because you aren't nice. Only people trying to justify their bad behavior go out of their way to tell people how nice they are. Now, I'm not saying that this woman doesn't do nice things and show generosity on occasion - in fact she will go overboard with how much she spends to highlight how awesome she can be - but she has this obsession with not being cheated that pretty much submarines the goodwill of others.
Which brings us to yesterday. I was originally going to bring brownies to get rid of the mixes in our house, but then I realized that even though I signed up first, most of the rest of our team was bringing sweets too, which would have made our Christmas Eve food day a diabetic nightmare. So, I became the only person to bring an entrée. I also brought the ham sausage my dad sent me because I can only handle so much ham and we had the ham from my son's work too. (Both hams were awesome BTW. I just can only eat so much of it.) The coworker mentioned that it was nice of me to do that and I pointed out that I normally bring extra stuff to so others can eat too. She brought up her objection to doing that because some people are leeches and bring very little or none at all and she feels that wrong. I said that when I tell someone that I specifically brought the food so they can participate, they tend to feel obligated to bring their own stuff later. Because I didn't want to name names, I refrained from pointing out that the last two food days, everyone brought stuff and no one forgot about it. I also admitted that I did realize that there are people who take advantage of others, though I've never brought food for someone like that. I surmised that it might be something unconscious on my part that causes me to avoid doing so. But to be honest, I'm actually surprised of the results of my generosity this year, though I didn't say this to my coworker. Yet at the same time, it bears out what I know about humans and group behaviors from grad school. No matter how introverted and individual people can be, there is a hard wired response to conform to the expectations of any group we feel accepted by. The response can be fought and undermined, but it is one of the basic underpinnings of social cohesion - something my former team lacked.
Of course I didn't give my coworker that lecture. Instead, we silently agreed to disagree - or at least I assume so with her response of "well, that wasn't the way I was raised." A great observation to lead to self enlightenment, but a lousy reason to do something. And I pointed out that I was raised by someone who had a similar view as her and I choose not to follow it because I saw how bitter it made her. Maybe I shouldn't have share that last part, no matter how true it is.
Later the teams that work the early shift were given a chance to leave early. Personally, as someone who had worked the early shift at another company, I realize that those shifts usually get shafted when it comes to early release times. I have no problem with those who come early, leaving first when work is slow. It wouldn't have even been an issue if it weren't for the fact that one of our teammates were told about the time available by a friend on an early shift. Not only did this teammate apply for the time off in our system, despite the fact that at that time she would have had to come back after lunch, but being the inexperienced person that she was, she told everyone around her about it. Which led to several people trying to apply for it and being denied, including the coworker I had been discussing generosity with. She threw a fit about how unfair it was, even though we all knew that if things stayed slow, we'd get offered the same opportunity in fact, our manager was able to get approval for us to extend our lunch to enjoy our potluck. But even with that, my vocal coworker could not stop her outrage about not being able to leave when the early shifts did.
As it turned out, we did get a chance to leave early. I was approved to leave 3 hours early, though I had to take the last of my accrued paid leave for the last hour. Not a problem considering my leave balances will be reset in a week.
I guess I sort of feel responsible for my coworker's tantrum, even though she still would have complained, I'm not sure she would have been so childish about it if I haven't made her feel insecure.