You Know That Crane Stance Makes You Look Like An Idiot, Right?
Consider the following fighters throughout history
(just go with me here, I promise this will prove relevant shortly):
• Ninja
• Samurai
• Viking
• Mongol
• Hun
(NOT the same as the Mongol Horde)
• Aztec Warrior
• Zulu Warrior
• Hoplite
(circa ancient Greece)
• Legionary
(circa ancient Rome)
• Persian Immortal
(though they don’t ACTUALLY live forever)
• Carthaginian
(Ancient Moroccan Conqueror)
• Hashasin
(Arabic Assassin)
• Zhan Shi
(Chinese Warrior)
• Calasirian
(Egyptian Soldier)
• Medieval Knight
• Squire
(Not to be confused with a common page)
Now, just looking at those choices, which one would you most obviously NOT select to fight for you?
It’s okay, feel free to take your time and think about it. I'll give you a minute to talk amongst yourselves.
Did you say Squire? If so, you are in the vast majority.
This sucks for me as, I am the Squire. More specifically, I am the squire for a fighting game called Chronos Arena, the tag line of which is, “Choose from the greatest warrior types in history, and go one-on-one, head-to-head in the Arena of Doom!” Now, I ask you, where exactly does history record a Squire being a great warrior? Although, to be fair, this game isn’t exactly what I would refer to as an expert in history, but it is pretty sophisticated for turn-based, play-by-play, attack/counter-attack battle action media. We have basic templates so you can customize your own warriors and name them what you want. You can't edit their back stories though.
I guess every game has to have its one lame character; that one who is not super-fast, or all that agile, or even very strong. You know, that one whose moves are all weak compared to the other characters?
Yeah, well... that’s me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not as slow as the Knight, and I’m way more armored than the Aztec, Zulu, Ninja, Hashasin, and Calasirian. But I’m not as tough as any of them, and nowhere near as athletic. I do have full armor, though it’s not as heavy as the knight’s... just chain mail, not plate metal. But, that is my one saving grace. It lets me move easier than the Knight, and, at least it takes a while to take me out. You have to take a lot of blows and do a lot of damage to get though all those tiny links.
My choice of weapons are sword, spear, and dagger. I also have a shield. So, on the face of it, I might not seem like such a bad choice overall, right? Well, you could make that choice, but you’d be wrong. You see, I have no ranged weapons, but the other fighters do, so they can sit back and pepper me, and I just have to stand there and take it. Fortunately, the chain mail blocks most of it (score one for armor!), for a while, anyway. The Knight doesn't have ranged weapons, either, but we’ll talk about him a bit later.
I don't know whether it’s a glitch in the programming or intentional, but I have a habit of dropping my weapons, usually at the most inopportune of moments, like when I’m backed into a wall, or dead center of the arena. (If you do a leg sweep on me, there is a 50/50 chance I’ll lose my balance and accidentally just impale myself with whatever weapon I happen to have on me at the time). Now, if I was programmed to drop them when only fighting the Zulu, Viking, Aztec, Hoplite, Calasirian, or Hashasin, I would understand. I mean, after all none of those ladies (and I use that term loosely) is wearing much clothing, so maybe I’m just easily distracted? I mean, the Viking -nay, Valkyrie -has a breastplate with cleavage popping out of it, and a steel skirt made of sword blades. So yeah, her spinning skirt attack rocks (you really shouldn’t let yourself get hypnotized by it though, the scars just aren’t worth it).
What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah.
She’s considered to be “heavily armored,” for the female characters, that is. Yes, you got me right. She is heavily armored. But otherwise, she’s barely wearing anything at all. And, yes, she still beats the living crap out of me every time we fight.
Hell, for that matter, everybody beats the crap out of me. I am the first character everyone faces, unless you choose me, then the first person you usually face is the Aztec or the Greek, which is interesting, as the supposed “Greek Warrior” is actually really an Amazon. I know what you’re thinking (assuming that you’ve already set aside your confusion about the fact that those two are from completely different continents on opposite hemispheres, and represent centuries of separation in history, so how could they possibly be confused for one another?) ... you’re thinking, how are those two (the Aztec and the Amazon) all that different, right? Well, one has a shield, and the other doesn’t; one has a skirt, the other a loin cloth. Oh, and one has a brass bra, the other a jaguar pelt bra. They both have spears and swords. Oh yeah, and, the Aztec also has a ceremonial dagger that is used in her final move. (She knocks you to the ground, hops on top of you, gyrates her hips into you, and then thrusts the dagger into your chest.) Man, losing to her causes me severe psychological torment.
But no matter what else happens, if you select me as your champion, the fifth character you’re going to face is the most badass fighter in the entire game - the Knight.
With the Knight, you’d almost think we’d be more evenly matched. After all, I’m technically a knight-in-training. Not to be confused with that era a few centuries after my heyday, when the role of squire (and here I use the lowercase “s”) became infused with that of a page, where squires eventually became nothing more than prepubescent unarmed errand boys, whose primary defense was simply that it was socially unacceptable to harm them. No, my job was to protect my Lord’s flank, to prove myself on the battlefield for my Sire, until he would find me worthy to take the knee, and receive proper armor and title.
But, here, the Knight is more than my ranking superior. In addition to all the same armaments as me, he also has a warhammer, a military pike (half ax, half spear, all business), and, as if that wasn’t enough, he has a Claymore, too, whereas I have a bastard sword. Don’t get me started on the irony there. He is the bastard, here, not me. His sword takes up nearly half the screen; one slice and you’re knocked down to half power, I swear. Of course, he also has a long sword, too. What does he need two swords for, you might wonder? The Claymore is what he uses for his grand finisher... he cleaves you in half VERTICALLY. Ugh. Talk about a finisher.
My finisher? Glad you asked. My finisher is... ... ...Oh crap, I forgot what my finisher is! I mean I never win, how the heck would I know how I would do it??? I don't even know what my ending is! I could tell you what every other fighter has for an ending. But I’m not going to... it’s just too depressing for me. Just once, though, I would really love to be able to get past the Knight. Maybe my finishing move is a swift kick to the nuts. In his case, I sure hope it is.
Of course I rarely even get to the Knight, anyway. I usually wind up being hand-carved to smithereens by one of the other fighters before I even get the chance to face him. I most often find myself on the butt end of a spear, or worse. The only thing I can hope for is the in the sequel, they make me an evil Knight, or I go rogue, and become some kinda super badass.
Hey, a guy can dream, right?
Oh, somebody’s dropping a token into the game. Gotta go, time for me to get my ass whooped.
Say, if you ever get the chance to play, at least once, even if it’s just for shucks & grins, choose me, and if we’re both really lucky, just maybe, we can make it all the way to that damned Knight, and finally beat him senseless.
LJI WEEK 22:
SWEEP THE LEG
(just go with me here, I promise this will prove relevant shortly):
• Ninja
• Samurai
• Viking
• Mongol
• Hun
(NOT the same as the Mongol Horde)
• Aztec Warrior
• Zulu Warrior
• Hoplite
(circa ancient Greece)
• Legionary
(circa ancient Rome)
• Persian Immortal
(though they don’t ACTUALLY live forever)
• Carthaginian
(Ancient Moroccan Conqueror)
• Hashasin
(Arabic Assassin)
• Zhan Shi
(Chinese Warrior)
• Calasirian
(Egyptian Soldier)
• Medieval Knight
• Squire
(Not to be confused with a common page)
Now, just looking at those choices, which one would you most obviously NOT select to fight for you?
It’s okay, feel free to take your time and think about it. I'll give you a minute to talk amongst yourselves.
Did you say Squire? If so, you are in the vast majority.
This sucks for me as, I am the Squire. More specifically, I am the squire for a fighting game called Chronos Arena, the tag line of which is, “Choose from the greatest warrior types in history, and go one-on-one, head-to-head in the Arena of Doom!” Now, I ask you, where exactly does history record a Squire being a great warrior? Although, to be fair, this game isn’t exactly what I would refer to as an expert in history, but it is pretty sophisticated for turn-based, play-by-play, attack/counter-attack battle action media. We have basic templates so you can customize your own warriors and name them what you want. You can't edit their back stories though.
I guess every game has to have its one lame character; that one who is not super-fast, or all that agile, or even very strong. You know, that one whose moves are all weak compared to the other characters?
Yeah, well... that’s me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not as slow as the Knight, and I’m way more armored than the Aztec, Zulu, Ninja, Hashasin, and Calasirian. But I’m not as tough as any of them, and nowhere near as athletic. I do have full armor, though it’s not as heavy as the knight’s... just chain mail, not plate metal. But, that is my one saving grace. It lets me move easier than the Knight, and, at least it takes a while to take me out. You have to take a lot of blows and do a lot of damage to get though all those tiny links.
My choice of weapons are sword, spear, and dagger. I also have a shield. So, on the face of it, I might not seem like such a bad choice overall, right? Well, you could make that choice, but you’d be wrong. You see, I have no ranged weapons, but the other fighters do, so they can sit back and pepper me, and I just have to stand there and take it. Fortunately, the chain mail blocks most of it (score one for armor!), for a while, anyway. The Knight doesn't have ranged weapons, either, but we’ll talk about him a bit later.
I don't know whether it’s a glitch in the programming or intentional, but I have a habit of dropping my weapons, usually at the most inopportune of moments, like when I’m backed into a wall, or dead center of the arena. (If you do a leg sweep on me, there is a 50/50 chance I’ll lose my balance and accidentally just impale myself with whatever weapon I happen to have on me at the time). Now, if I was programmed to drop them when only fighting the Zulu, Viking, Aztec, Hoplite, Calasirian, or Hashasin, I would understand. I mean, after all none of those ladies (and I use that term loosely) is wearing much clothing, so maybe I’m just easily distracted? I mean, the Viking -nay, Valkyrie -has a breastplate with cleavage popping out of it, and a steel skirt made of sword blades. So yeah, her spinning skirt attack rocks (you really shouldn’t let yourself get hypnotized by it though, the scars just aren’t worth it).
What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah.
She’s considered to be “heavily armored,” for the female characters, that is. Yes, you got me right. She is heavily armored. But otherwise, she’s barely wearing anything at all. And, yes, she still beats the living crap out of me every time we fight.
Hell, for that matter, everybody beats the crap out of me. I am the first character everyone faces, unless you choose me, then the first person you usually face is the Aztec or the Greek, which is interesting, as the supposed “Greek Warrior” is actually really an Amazon. I know what you’re thinking (assuming that you’ve already set aside your confusion about the fact that those two are from completely different continents on opposite hemispheres, and represent centuries of separation in history, so how could they possibly be confused for one another?) ... you’re thinking, how are those two (the Aztec and the Amazon) all that different, right? Well, one has a shield, and the other doesn’t; one has a skirt, the other a loin cloth. Oh, and one has a brass bra, the other a jaguar pelt bra. They both have spears and swords. Oh yeah, and, the Aztec also has a ceremonial dagger that is used in her final move. (She knocks you to the ground, hops on top of you, gyrates her hips into you, and then thrusts the dagger into your chest.) Man, losing to her causes me severe psychological torment.
But no matter what else happens, if you select me as your champion, the fifth character you’re going to face is the most badass fighter in the entire game - the Knight.
With the Knight, you’d almost think we’d be more evenly matched. After all, I’m technically a knight-in-training. Not to be confused with that era a few centuries after my heyday, when the role of squire (and here I use the lowercase “s”) became infused with that of a page, where squires eventually became nothing more than prepubescent unarmed errand boys, whose primary defense was simply that it was socially unacceptable to harm them. No, my job was to protect my Lord’s flank, to prove myself on the battlefield for my Sire, until he would find me worthy to take the knee, and receive proper armor and title.
But, here, the Knight is more than my ranking superior. In addition to all the same armaments as me, he also has a warhammer, a military pike (half ax, half spear, all business), and, as if that wasn’t enough, he has a Claymore, too, whereas I have a bastard sword. Don’t get me started on the irony there. He is the bastard, here, not me. His sword takes up nearly half the screen; one slice and you’re knocked down to half power, I swear. Of course, he also has a long sword, too. What does he need two swords for, you might wonder? The Claymore is what he uses for his grand finisher... he cleaves you in half VERTICALLY. Ugh. Talk about a finisher.
My finisher? Glad you asked. My finisher is... ... ...Oh crap, I forgot what my finisher is! I mean I never win, how the heck would I know how I would do it??? I don't even know what my ending is! I could tell you what every other fighter has for an ending. But I’m not going to... it’s just too depressing for me. Just once, though, I would really love to be able to get past the Knight. Maybe my finishing move is a swift kick to the nuts. In his case, I sure hope it is.
Of course I rarely even get to the Knight, anyway. I usually wind up being hand-carved to smithereens by one of the other fighters before I even get the chance to face him. I most often find myself on the butt end of a spear, or worse. The only thing I can hope for is the in the sequel, they make me an evil Knight, or I go rogue, and become some kinda super badass.
Hey, a guy can dream, right?
Oh, somebody’s dropping a token into the game. Gotta go, time for me to get my ass whooped.
Say, if you ever get the chance to play, at least once, even if it’s just for shucks & grins, choose me, and if we’re both really lucky, just maybe, we can make it all the way to that damned Knight, and finally beat him senseless.
LJI WEEK 22:
SWEEP THE LEG