And its only noon...
Alright.. so where the fuck to start? Do i start with anger? or do i start with confusions? fuck... blah, so yea thats becoming a more prominent word of my vocabulary.
So, took the day off work, for the damn dr.'s apts. Went had my eyes examined.. he said even tho im havin trouble seein with this script, can't change it because it would be worse.. so that sucks. But he is gonna give me a trial pair with a different curvature to see how that works. Ok... so morning started out ok. Then went to the dr's (after sitting for an hour and a half reading in my truck, which was actually kinda pleasant). Got there.. and after scheduling the appt to have this shit taken care of.. oh sorry, we dont have any of the stuff here, it has to be ordered. You should go to a podiatrist to have it taken care of. WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT HAVE ANY ORDERED I MADE THE APPT OVER A MONTH AGO!!!!! So yea, Melissa is kinda pissed, had to spend $15 i don't have on the stupid appt to begin with.. just for them to not do anything and send me to another dr that is $30 dollars a visit, and they want me to come in every 2 weeks. Who the fuck has the time and money to do this? Plus, they scheduled me for an appt on Thursday at 630 am in Front Royal.. then i have to work at 830, then i have to work at 530, wtf dude.. im not gonna be able to walk.. i told them to give me a number and i would make an appt.. but NOOO.. fuck it all to hell.
ok.. next.. wtf is up with Am? ok maybe im just a lil pissy right now bc of the above stated issues, but it was kinda bothering me last nite, as i told u(u being one of the two of u that actually reads this, i think i forgot to tell the other one of u.. sorry..luv ya still tho) So, yea.. she calls and we were talkin, and we always joke bout how if she ever manages to find a way out here to visit that we would end up fuckin just bc its been so long. Well hell, then she proceeds to tell me that she could fuck tammy w.out having feelings again, and becky, and this person and blah de blah blah blah. Well... except me (please dont take this as i was just tryin to get ass bc i never thought we were serious) so yea.. she said that she misses me and compares ppl to me (which given i have been on the receiving end of sumpin similar is kinda wierd.. but hello.. why the hell would you wanna have me as ur baseline? couldn't u do a lil better geez) and neway proceeded to tell me how she messed up and shouldn't have left me or let me be with nik.. and just a bunch of other shit, like how when my mom died she wanted to be there for me bc she knew her and all this shit.. and just wtf.. i dunno.. don't get me wrong, at one point, i was in love with her, and i do still love her as a friend, but i knew it was never gonna last w. us neway. And i know that me and Nik have had that whole (even tho the convo never took place) convo bout shit with us, its different. At least in some ways. I mean, i think that Nik has a thing with loving ppl, and she may not quite be honest w. herself bout it, and tells ppl that she feels sumpin stronger then what she might actually feel (this is my lj.. u let me have my say) but i do know that she did and does care about me, where as i feel that amity wants me back to get her life in order. And neone who has dated me will know what i mean, but the fact is, i dont wanna clean someones life up just so they can walk away later.. and i dont wanna be with am. blah.. ok.. so next.. speakin of nik.. wtf was up with that shit bout movin in and not worryin bout april? if i am supposed to "assume" whatever it is i am assuming then why get the chinese symbol? bc to me it means that she will no longer be a part of ur life.. she wouldn't be allowed here and the list goes on of ways to keep her outta my life.. i mean hell we can't talk as friends she sure as hell aint gonna let u live w. me. so that makes me assume that she either wants to leave her, or in some way is considering it. Now, does this go back to that convo we never had a while back and am i supposed to read that far into shit? or does this mean she needs a way outta the relationship and doesn't have the balls to just end it? I mean hell, she wouldn't tell me.. just said i was supposed to assume, but i could take that to a whole helluva lotta different routes. Ok.. then last nite, aside from the fact that i was up so late, that my child decided to kneed her claws into my tit, and play freeway in the house.. i prolly had the best sleep i have had in a really long time. geez. and i could tell once i had fallen asleep that i made myself comfy because when i was woke up, my arm was kinda moved. It was great to actually have her as a friend for a while. I feel safe goofin off with her like that. oh, and i was doin really good bout not mentioning someones state of mind until she was the one who brought it up. i dont have any say on that any more.. first shes 18.. do what u want, but second shes not my gf. was she just tryin to piss me off? anyway.. i dunno.. what is up with all that? a lil insight might be nice.
ok.. THEN.. so emailed that pno chick thinkin.. geez don't let it be some sn that april has that she has hidden from nik bc i just couldn't deal with that shit. No.. uh uh.. not her.. it was Tasha. why does that not surprise me. She had been tryin to tell shasta that me and megan had some secret agenda, then changing it all and megan is tryin to get me away from shasta (when hello... not even with her). can i not just meet a sane normal girl who just wants to be happy? i mean, hell.. obviously i am far from totally sane.. but my god.
I just want someone to come lay with me and tuck me in and say that everything is gonna be alright, and actually mean it. Yanno I'm kinda at the point where i feel i have a couple (and only a couple) too many people who care about me. If i didn't have to worry bout them, then i could just disappear away from everyone, live my own boring lonely life, but w.out all this freakin crap of the world. I wouldn't have to worry bout what i looke liked bc i wouldn't date neone, i wouldn't have to worry bout what ppl thought of me, or anything.
Im gonna go get in a really fuckin hot bath, read the rest of this book so i can give it back to shasta (and maybe just disappear from her life, i don't think she would mind to be honest) and just sulk in my own self pitty.
So, took the day off work, for the damn dr.'s apts. Went had my eyes examined.. he said even tho im havin trouble seein with this script, can't change it because it would be worse.. so that sucks. But he is gonna give me a trial pair with a different curvature to see how that works. Ok... so morning started out ok. Then went to the dr's (after sitting for an hour and a half reading in my truck, which was actually kinda pleasant). Got there.. and after scheduling the appt to have this shit taken care of.. oh sorry, we dont have any of the stuff here, it has to be ordered. You should go to a podiatrist to have it taken care of. WTF DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT HAVE ANY ORDERED I MADE THE APPT OVER A MONTH AGO!!!!! So yea, Melissa is kinda pissed, had to spend $15 i don't have on the stupid appt to begin with.. just for them to not do anything and send me to another dr that is $30 dollars a visit, and they want me to come in every 2 weeks. Who the fuck has the time and money to do this? Plus, they scheduled me for an appt on Thursday at 630 am in Front Royal.. then i have to work at 830, then i have to work at 530, wtf dude.. im not gonna be able to walk.. i told them to give me a number and i would make an appt.. but NOOO.. fuck it all to hell.
ok.. next.. wtf is up with Am? ok maybe im just a lil pissy right now bc of the above stated issues, but it was kinda bothering me last nite, as i told u(u being one of the two of u that actually reads this, i think i forgot to tell the other one of u.. sorry..luv ya still tho) So, yea.. she calls and we were talkin, and we always joke bout how if she ever manages to find a way out here to visit that we would end up fuckin just bc its been so long. Well hell, then she proceeds to tell me that she could fuck tammy w.out having feelings again, and becky, and this person and blah de blah blah blah. Well... except me (please dont take this as i was just tryin to get ass bc i never thought we were serious) so yea.. she said that she misses me and compares ppl to me (which given i have been on the receiving end of sumpin similar is kinda wierd.. but hello.. why the hell would you wanna have me as ur baseline? couldn't u do a lil better geez) and neway proceeded to tell me how she messed up and shouldn't have left me or let me be with nik.. and just a bunch of other shit, like how when my mom died she wanted to be there for me bc she knew her and all this shit.. and just wtf.. i dunno.. don't get me wrong, at one point, i was in love with her, and i do still love her as a friend, but i knew it was never gonna last w. us neway. And i know that me and Nik have had that whole (even tho the convo never took place) convo bout shit with us, its different. At least in some ways. I mean, i think that Nik has a thing with loving ppl, and she may not quite be honest w. herself bout it, and tells ppl that she feels sumpin stronger then what she might actually feel (this is my lj.. u let me have my say) but i do know that she did and does care about me, where as i feel that amity wants me back to get her life in order. And neone who has dated me will know what i mean, but the fact is, i dont wanna clean someones life up just so they can walk away later.. and i dont wanna be with am. blah.. ok.. so next.. speakin of nik.. wtf was up with that shit bout movin in and not worryin bout april? if i am supposed to "assume" whatever it is i am assuming then why get the chinese symbol? bc to me it means that she will no longer be a part of ur life.. she wouldn't be allowed here and the list goes on of ways to keep her outta my life.. i mean hell we can't talk as friends she sure as hell aint gonna let u live w. me. so that makes me assume that she either wants to leave her, or in some way is considering it. Now, does this go back to that convo we never had a while back and am i supposed to read that far into shit? or does this mean she needs a way outta the relationship and doesn't have the balls to just end it? I mean hell, she wouldn't tell me.. just said i was supposed to assume, but i could take that to a whole helluva lotta different routes. Ok.. then last nite, aside from the fact that i was up so late, that my child decided to kneed her claws into my tit, and play freeway in the house.. i prolly had the best sleep i have had in a really long time. geez. and i could tell once i had fallen asleep that i made myself comfy because when i was woke up, my arm was kinda moved. It was great to actually have her as a friend for a while. I feel safe goofin off with her like that. oh, and i was doin really good bout not mentioning someones state of mind until she was the one who brought it up. i dont have any say on that any more.. first shes 18.. do what u want, but second shes not my gf. was she just tryin to piss me off? anyway.. i dunno.. what is up with all that? a lil insight might be nice.
ok.. THEN.. so emailed that pno chick thinkin.. geez don't let it be some sn that april has that she has hidden from nik bc i just couldn't deal with that shit. No.. uh uh.. not her.. it was Tasha. why does that not surprise me. She had been tryin to tell shasta that me and megan had some secret agenda, then changing it all and megan is tryin to get me away from shasta (when hello... not even with her). can i not just meet a sane normal girl who just wants to be happy? i mean, hell.. obviously i am far from totally sane.. but my god.
I just want someone to come lay with me and tuck me in and say that everything is gonna be alright, and actually mean it. Yanno I'm kinda at the point where i feel i have a couple (and only a couple) too many people who care about me. If i didn't have to worry bout them, then i could just disappear away from everyone, live my own boring lonely life, but w.out all this freakin crap of the world. I wouldn't have to worry bout what i looke liked bc i wouldn't date neone, i wouldn't have to worry bout what ppl thought of me, or anything.
Im gonna go get in a really fuckin hot bath, read the rest of this book so i can give it back to shasta (and maybe just disappear from her life, i don't think she would mind to be honest) and just sulk in my own self pitty.