christmas music
so, i've told you before about my christmas cry. the annual 'oh-god-i-can't-stop-the-tears-i-sure-hope-i'm-alone' for this. usually sparked by music. usually the 'it's in every one of us' song from the john denver and the muppets christmas album. or 'merry xmas (war is over)' by john lennon and a choir of small children. these will both do it for me.
in fact i try to make this happen on purpose. pop these babies in my cd player on the way up to mom and dad's on christmas eve, i'm all melancholied out by the time i get there. this is what works for me. although occassionally the christmas cry backfires and i open up a spring and end up silently crying to 'night of silence' in the middle of communion at mass. that song...couldn't tell you any of the lyrics, and i'm not sure that anyone who doesn't go to transfiguration catholic church would even know what i'm talking abuot, but...man...
these are not the only songs of christmas that 'get' me. oh no. almost anything written during world war II (here's looking at you 'i'll be home for christmas' and slow versions of 'white christmas'), 'have yourself a merry little christmas', and for some ungodly reason mannheim steamroller*'s version of 'silent night'. all of these make me want to run to the bathroom, or under the covers or into my car and just bawl like a baby.
that said...in the past few years...i have found myself considerably less and less christmas-y. i no longer find the urge to listen to christmas music in general, but specifically not around christmas. i find that there are other cd's that make me think of christmas time and winter in happier, less likely to have an emotional melt-down way. like jump little children's 'magazine'. or coldplay's 'rush of blood to the head'. both of these make me think of december and driving around with my friends, or the first christmas when i could afford to buy real non-big lots presents for my family. so does weezer's blue album. and 'let it be'.
while i'm perfectly fine with my insanely secular life and self finding a christmas in completely secular music, it makes me sometimes miss being a faithful catholic. i love my family deeply and more than any christmas pagent or mass or whatever, i've always enjoyed spending time with them more than anythign else at christmas. that's what's important to me, i suppose. and there's nothing wrong with that.
but every year i go to mass on christmas eve with my folks. sometimes laura can make it, sometimes not. and every year i'm glad i've made it out. like going to a birthday party for someone you don't really know and the party's not that great, but you see so many mutual friends who you only see at this one party so you haveto go. have to. and i mean...it's for jesus. he's done some stuff, right? yeah.
last year, i didn't make it to mass. i meant to. but i didn't. actually, i think my folks went to christmas morning and i was beat on christmas eve and either unwilling to go it alone or just..i don't know. i don't remember. that's not the point. i reckon the point is, i am a slave to ritual and tradition. and that makes me a bit superstitious.
now, i'm not turning over any old/new leaves of religion or anything. i'm not even endorsing church-going, per se...but this year blew. and i totally missed a big end of year tradition for me last year. a big ritual. so this year, come hell or high water, i will be going to a christmas eve mass. and i will listen to the painfully white choir sing the 'funky hallelujah' and hopefully not cry during communion, and see all these people i used to know with their spouses and children and their children's children...all grown up...all frozen in my memory and tied irrevocably to who i used to be. it is comfort. if nothing else.
merry christmas. may you find a warm little memory hole to crawl into.
*please note - blogger does not promote or endorse the listening to of mannheim steamroller for any reason ever. to quote the onion's av club ' [mannheim steamroller is proof that] God hates you and has employed a New Age outfit as a vessel for his wrath.' but for whatever reason - that silent night kills me. fucking kills me.